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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Would this be disrespectful

21 replies

fridaynighter · 14/10/2023 22:05

I lost a parent 4 months ago, albeit to a terminal illness but it was very sudden and unexpected at the end. I'm being "strong " for those around me and know I've not properly grieved yet, but it will come.
I have a big birthday coming up in 2 months time and my kids think I should celebrate and enjoy it by having a party for close family and friends at home. I love a party and I love being a hostess in normal circumstances but can't shift the feeling that this would just feel and look too disrespected 6 months after loosing a parent.
I know there's no right or wrong answer here but tell me honestly, if you were a friend of mine and were invited would you think I was being disrespectful?

OP posts:

TinChristmas · 14/10/2023 22:07

Gosh absolutely not. And I would think your parent would be mortified if you couldn’t celebrate you and be surrounded by love. Anyone who would expect their child to not have times of fun would be a pretty poor parent.

sprigatito · 14/10/2023 22:08

No, it isn't remotely disrespectful! I'm sure your loved ones will understand that it's a positive thing to do, it doesn't mean you're not grieving. Go for it.

MaggieBsBoat · 14/10/2023 22:09

Of course not! If you feel up to it and you would perhaps enjoy it, you should. Grieving and being respectful is not about life stopping it’s about living your sadness, finding a way to live with your grief and getting on with the things that your loved ones would want for you.

I‘m very sorry for your loss.

Rosiepeta · 14/10/2023 22:10

If I was your friend, I'd definitely think its not disrespectful at all.
I'm in similar shoes, it's made me realise that life is short,
we don't know how many birthdays we have so they should all be celebrated( if you want too) .
You should be celebrated.
I'm sorry for your loss, its so hard.
I do hope you have a lovely birthday whatever you decide x

CharlotteStreetW1 · 14/10/2023 22:10

I got married six months after my mother died. Honestly no one will think anything of it 🙂

Thelondonone · 14/10/2023 22:11

Not at all, life goes on. You might want to raise a glass to them (or equally not and that’s ok). Not at all disrespectful.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 14/10/2023 22:12

Grief is a very personal journey and no two people travel the same path.

The only thing I'd be a little worried about is that if it hits you at some point and you're then committed to hosting a party if you're feeling low - but good friends and close family will understand this.

I still have days when I feel that I've been run over by a freight train and my Dad died in January.

Original poster

fridaynighter · 14/10/2023 22:16

Thank you for your quick replies. Just reading them has made me cry ❤️ @Rosiepeta that's a really good point - we don't know how many birthdays we all have left.
I'm undecided but your replies help me realise it's not as disrespectful as I maybe think xx

OP posts:

Deliadidit · 14/10/2023 22:17

Life is so short and you’re here now and living! I would host the party and enjoy spending time with your family and loved ones, I’m sure everyone will understand and be only too happy to be there with you.

BigcatLittlecat · 14/10/2023 22:19

I lost my sister 6 months before my 50th. I had a party not a big one! Just close friends and family! 2 thoughts about it were, my sister would have loved the party and would have helped celebrate it! Also the funeral was horrific but lots of family came and we didn't talk to them properly as we couldn't have a traditional wake because of Covid, so I invited lots of family that had made the effort to come to funeral. It was a nice and successful party! Not like my usual parties though! I'm glad we did it! You're not being disrespectful! Plan and enjoy!

CameronCook · 14/10/2023 22:20

I am so sorry that you have lost a parent. We lost my father last year and dsis had a milestone birthday earlier this year and was conflicted about whether to celebrate it, in the end she did as we decided that life is too short not to enjoy every minute.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 14/10/2023 22:23

If you want to have a party, go for it. Do whatever you fancy. Sorry for your loss x

Millybob · 14/10/2023 22:29

Not in a million years would I think it disrespectful.
Enjoy the company and support from your family and friends and raise a glass to your parent.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/10/2023 22:33

Not disrespectful. What we've encompassed before big celebrations is gathering the siblings, having and raising a cuppa and chat about our late parent.

So the chat, referencing what they would be doing and we take on certain little traditions of our late parent.

tiredandolderthanithought · 14/10/2023 22:33

You could be me.

I'm having a similar dilemma, not due to disrespect but due to me not knowing what kind of day I'll have. Will I be feeling shit and having a happy day without him there just feels wrong.

Really don't know what to do

Heyhoherewegoagain · 14/10/2023 22:37

You celebrate and raise a glass to your parent. Would you want your child to hold back from living their life once you’re gone due to some notion of what’s “respectful”? No, thought not!

I lost my dad 5 weeks before my 50th birthday and we celebrated the hell out of it-he’d have kicked my backside if he thought I’d held back because of him

merryhouse · 14/10/2023 22:49

similar to @CharlotteStreetW1 we had a family wedding four months after my mum died.

I mean, obviously we all cried at some point during the day, but we had a celebration and a party and smiles and got annoyed with each other in exactly the same ways we always did

Your life hasn't stopped (even if it may feel like it sometimes).

Ffsnotaconference · 14/10/2023 23:02

I turned 40 last year. 4 months after my mum collapsed and died, completely out of the blue just before Christmas.

I hated it. I just wanted it to be done and over. Dad brought round a gift. Mum had bought it before she died. Almost like she knew. I went to back to bed and stayed

I actually regret it now. It came and went. I have had another birthday that just came and went. Life is passing me by. I can’t pull myself out of it. I would encourage you, if you can, to not go down that route.

UsingChangeofName · 14/10/2023 23:34

Of course it's not disrespectful.
If anything, it is all the MORE reason to celebrate life.

FluffyFluffyClouds · 15/10/2023 19:20

No, but then I'm in my late 50s and have been to a few funerals IYSWIM.
If you were my friend I'd just want to be sure you were doing it because it felt right for you, rather than some variety of "shouldism".

And TBH even if someone did do something where I raised my eyebrows internally and thought, "yikes!" - offenses against good taste or appropriate behaviour, well, it's not the end of the world.

We only pay attention to them because we feel, as social animals, that they suggest future behaviour might deviate unhelpfully from social norms. Actual behaviour (e.g. harming or neglecting people!) is far more important.

highlandcoo · 15/10/2023 22:01

I would in no way think you were being disrespectful OP. It could be a positive thing to do.

However ... you say your kids think you should. They're probably keen to feel their mum is OK and back to her old self as much as possible. They want you to be happy and that's lovely.

What do you really want to do yourself? If you'd rather wait a while, do that. Tell people you'll celebrate being 41/51 or whatever. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

But if you want to have a party, go ahead and have one. There are no rules here.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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