Visitors

[Discwriter]

My DM passed away suddenly on Thursday after a long illness. She was ill for aong time but her actual death was still sudden. I've been at home since then, did go to the shop and gym, but not really wanting to see friends or families. I usually deal with things by retreating. Today, my DH's friend just turned up with flowers and a card. I hid in the kitchen. Now I'm being told off for being so rude by my family. I know it is a nice sentiment and I do appreciate the gesture, but surely you don't just turn up? I feel I will meet and speak with people when I'm ready. I also don't answer my phone to calls, but do respond messages in time. Is this rude or normal?

Well it is a kind gesture of your husbands friend but completely understandable your not wanting to see him in person.

A text or some other message simply saying 'Thank you for the card and flowers' would be the polite thing to do.

Now I'm being told off for being so rude by my family

what relations enemies?

I can’t fathom “family” like this

He didn't do anything wrong popping in with flowers and a card. It's also okay to say you just aren't up to visitors and excuse yourself. No one was rude or wrong in this scenario.

Not a chance I’d be making my presence known 4 days after a bereavement for someone who was married to my friend

ie not my friend

I’d have left outside

My mum had lots of people just turn up at the house after the recent death of my dad, people phoning constantly too. It was kind of them but we had so much to do organising the funeral etc that it felt a bit much to deal with.

One of my friends kept texting me a lot asking how I was doing and asking if I wanted to meet up. I felt bad because she's also quite recently bereaved and I wasn't constantly checking in on her when she lost her DF. I offered to meet up but didn't push it, I guess I didn't want to annoy her after her sudden loss.

I think it varies widely by country and culture. In Ireland it would be common to pop in, subject to perhaps tragic circumstances, and pay your respects.

Very seldom would it be advised home private. The visitor meant well, you were fine to not engage. Your family could have easily thanked him and passed on your thanks for his condolences.

In a while you could have acknowledged their thoughtfulness in person if you wanted.

At least the person was trying to be there rather than do nothing.
Message saying thank you you just didn't feel up to seeing people yet but you really appreciate it

Thank you all, I am not sure which way is up, so it is good to get perspectives. I have sent a text saying thank you, it is a nice gesture - I also asked my family to allow me space.

Sorry for your loss @Discwriter . By all means ask family, friends to take on any tasks that make the next little while manageable.