DD is 4, should I let her go to her Nans (my Grans) funeral?

[Lomond]

Or is that too young?

My Gran is very seriously ill, we have been told she probably won't make it more than another day or so.
Have been trying to tell DD about death by saying things like, Nan is very ill and sometimes when someone is really ill the doctor doesn't have any medicine that can fix them and they go to a heaven.

What should I do when it comes to the funeral? Is she too young? Would it be distressing for her to go through seeing all the family upset? Or would it help her realise that she can't see her Nan again?

I am grieving already as I know it is imminent, she has seen me upset. I have told her that it is ok to be sad but am worried about holding it together for her when it actually happens.

Other than her Grans cat two weeks ago we have not approached the subject of death and now I feel that I should have talked to her sooner.

So sorry to hear about your Gran.
There is no right or wrong answer on this topic -you really do have to do what feels right for you.
IMO, children especially this young shouldn't go to the funeral. I just don't think they need to be confronted by this level of grief at such a young age. Although - this is only my opinion.
Also, I think for you, if the worst does happen, then you should be able to grieve yourself, with your family, without the worry of looking after your lo.
Hope this helps x

Thanks for your reply. When she first took ill I thought that it would be good for her to say goodbye but now the time is near memories are coming back from my Grandads funeral and how much it hit me then. I just don't know if I can put her through it.

Has anyone taken their child to a funeral and regretted it?

My granny died a month ago. DD is 4.5 and I didn't want her at the funeral. INitially I planned that dh would bring the children (ds is 2.5) over to the house after the funeral. BUt then she got impetigo so couldn't come and in the end I am glad that I had time at the funeral and then at the do afterwards without worrying about looking after the dcs and making sure that dd wasn't upset.

My MIL died in October. Most of the family were against us bringing the boys (aged almost 4, 6 & 8), but I felt they should go. We allowed them to decide, and they all wanted to.

They were OK during the funeral itself, then during the wake, at the village hall, they had a brilliant time, and everybody was pleased they were there, they helped all of the grown ups I think, my mil doted on the boys, and everyone knew how special they were to her, so it seemed right and fitting. There were loads of tears but we also remembered what a great granny she was, and fil had put out pictures of her with the boys (amongst other things). Considering the tradgey of her death, the wake was positive and fun and we felt it was right the boys being there, and despite initial opposition/reluctance, everybody without exception during/after agreed.

Being open and honest with dd like you have is definately the best way.

I've been on a training course on helping young children understand bereavement and loss, they suggested with young children it was a good idea to explain what a funeral is by acting it out with toys and a shoe box (coffin). Even if they are not going to the funeral themselves, it takes the fear of the unknown away.

I wouldn't take my such a young child myself from a purely selfish point of view, that I'd want time to remember and say good bye myself not be a mum for an hour or so.

Your dd seeing you upset now and in the coming weeks isn't a bad thing, learning how to handle grief is a great gift you can give your child.

I think it depends on how close the relationship between your gran and children is. If it is very close and you all visit her regularly then taking dd to the funeral may help her to understand that she won't see gran again. If it is not so close then I personally wouldn't. My parents didn't take me to my grandads funeral (age 7) and I remember my rabbit died at about that time- I was more upset about the rabbit because I played with it every day IYSWIM.
So sorry for your news, very

yes, as cm said, we talked through it in very great detail (the funeral), from lots of flowers & poeple arriving at the house, lots of tears, the hearse coming, we'd ride behind in 2 special cars etc etc, and really left it to them. I guess in our case it was a bit different in that ds3, tho yonger than your dc, had 2 older brothers.

As a compromise, how about she skips the funeral but comes to the wake? Sil baby was just 4 months old - she didn't come to funeral, but did to wake, and again, everyone loved having a jolly little thing to fuss over. By the wake, most of the tears will've been shed. Why not tell her you're having a party to say goodbye to granny, then she will remember having been included/ having the opp to say goodbye. That was important to me. As a kid, we were always shut out of 'big' family stuff. I hated that.

If it helps, I didn't take my ds to my grandad's funeral when ds was 4. Everyone has a different view and of course it depends alot on the child and the family; my ds is a very sensitive boy and seeing LOTS of grown ups upset would have made him very anxious and insecure I felt. It was an incredibly moving service and there were lots of tears but also it was a really good time for me to say goodbye to my grandad without having to also entertain/monitor a fidgety 4 year old. Think about yourself in this; you need time to say goodbye probably more than your dd - though of course she does need to be helped to understand the whole issue.

At the wake afterwards, I think ds would have been a lovely addition though as ernest has said earlier - I guess it depends on the people there but at my grandad's it was basically a nice family get together at a pub with a garden and it would have been great to have ds there running about. Gives you a sense of what the person who's died has acheived in that they've left this family behind them

Hi I'm sorry too,
My youngest sister was 6 when my Dad died, we all said goodbye together, we done the traditional Irish thing and brought him home to wake in our house, giving all of us time to realise he wasn't going to 'wake up' and to touch him.
My most vivid memory of her at the funeral was that she needed to touch his feet.. she felt like someting was missing and needed to see if his feet were still there.
I don't think you are ever too young to say goodbye, but people do things differenty! Nobody knows your child better than you!

I think ernest is right. My ds was 4 and dd just 2 when their gran ( my mum died ) and 6 and 4 when their great gran died.
Both times they skipped the funeral but attended the wake where their presence was a big comfort to everyone (dd wanted to wear her fairy outfit to 'nanna's party' and after an hour or two in best clothes I let her)
I have positive memories of the day of my nan's funeral once the service was over.
It was a beautiful day in april, all my family and cousins were there and the children behaved impecabliy, playing in the garden all afternoon and had the chance to meet relatives they had never met before.
I am sure my nan would have loved to think of all her great grandchildren were playing in the sun rather than being put through a service they were too young to understand and seeing everyone upset.
All in all a fitting way to say goodbye.

Having a houseful of childen is the best way to bring everyone together and and remind ourselves that the deceased will live on in our memories but children represent the future.

The only problem on both occasions was finding someone to look after the dc as everyone they knew wanted to attend the funeral.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. I have to rush and collect her from nursery just now but will pop back.

I am leaning towards her skipping the service and coming along to the wake. I think she could be a comfort to my mum and sisters.

I appreciate each and every reply.

I'm sorry about your gran. I run training courses for schools on loss and bereavement and the research says that what you are doing is just right: preparing her and talking about it. She will almost certainly take quite a long time to realise that death is permanent and irreversible and will keep asking about it for many months. When my mum died I didn't take my first three children (then 4,3,and 1) to her funeral because I knew I needed to grieve (though they have since been to several funerals.) We did,however, have the coffin in church the night before and took them to see it and put garden flowers they had chosen and picked on it. We said prayers and could give them our full attention and time. They came to the funeral tea afterwards too. It worked really well for us..

Just thought I'd put my thoughts in. I don't think its a good idea.

I lost my Grandad last year and I didn't take my 5yr old DS because I went to my grandmothers funeral when I was 7 years old. The reason it sticks in my head was because I saw alot of my close family upset and that upset me. People who I thought were strong as rocks were crying in front of me and it had a big impact on me. I don't think I really understood the funeral side of it.

You never know how people are going to react at funerals and how your DD will react to seeing it.

If you are thinking of your DD saying goodbye. When my grandad passed away last year my DS wrote him a letter and we put it in the sea as his way of saying goodbye.

Again thank you all for your replies and support. You know I even feel guilty talking about it as she is still clinging on, though we have been told it won't be long now. (I have to wait until my partner gets home from work to watch the girls befor I can go and see her again.)

I have been thinking about it a lot and am not going to take the girls to the service (dd2 is 8mths) but have not made my mind up about the wake. I am going to wait and see how I feel when it happens. I think I am fooling myself when I think I am prepared for her to die as I know it's going to happen, I don't think you can ever be prepared until it actually happens. Catzy I like your idea about DD1 writing a letter, I think she would like to do that, thank you x

My dd (aged 4) and my nieces made cards to say goodbye to my Grandad when he died and we put them on top of the coffin during the service. It was lovely to see them there and as others have said, it is a reminder of the children representing the future. They didn't attend the service btw. So sorry for your sad news, its not easy. dd saw me cry lots of times - we've had a few family bereavements in short succession, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. HTH

Although not the same, we are thinking about this. Ds(4). My f-i-l is in hospital and they have said it is imminent. He is my m-i-l's second dh, not my dh's dad.
Ds does love 'Nanny seasdie', but doesn't have a particulalry close relationship with f-i-l.
My friend at work said that she didn't let her boys go to a funeral until about aged 8.
So I was thinking that 4 was too young.

Just wanted to pop back and give you an update. My Gran battled on until 6.30 this morning. She went peacefully which gave us some comfort.

There is no way that my DD's will be going to the funeral now. The grief is so bad, so real now, so raw, that I will be lucky to make it through the service myself. My Mother in Law (to be) will be watching the girls for me and has taken DD1 away out for the day so I can try to pull myself together.

Thank you for all your advice again. I guess you never know how you will feel until it actually happens.

so sorry for your loss xxx

So sorry to hear that. Hope you are OK.