I feel so alone

[NoSuitableName]

I don't know how to do this any more. I miss my husband so much, he died almost 20 months ago and the grief feels never ending. No-one else knows how I feel, I think friends and family think I am doing OK. I give the impression of being OK but my heart still physically aches, I think about him all day. I think about how unfair it was. I think about how I let him down, how I should've fought harder, how I should've known how to help him. I was here under a different name when he was sick and I had some great support through a very difficult couple of years, I know there are people here who get it, who know what it feels like. I think about disappearing a lot but that would really hurt my adult kids (DH wasn't their dad), they are the only things that tie me to where I am.

Be strong sister.

I'm a widow too, 16 months and partner was barely 40.

Life's rollercoaster, you've got to suffer the downs if you've had lot's of ups. Ride the wave and find something that comforts you. He wouldn't want you to be sad

So so so sorry to read this heart wrenching message. I can't relate in that I haven't lost my DH. I don't know the circumstances surrounding your late husband, but my mum died of something VERY preventable in hospital when I was a young adult. I can't tell you how many times I kick myself now as a senior medical prof, knowing that what I know now could have easily 'saved' her.

I think my message to anyone who has lost someone, and blames themselves or wishes they could've changed the outcome is; we did the best we could do at the time.

Please please seek help for your feelings, there is no shame and your GP should be able to signpost you or help. Don't just do it for your adult kids... do it for you, you deserve to feel like you again and work through your grief under the guidance of a professional.

Best of luck to you x

That's the thing, he had classic signs and symptoms of a medical event and the medics didn't listen. As a result he died. I fee guilty because I spotted the signs but no one would listen. I know the covid crisis at the time didn't help as he had to go to the hospital alone and everything was chaotic when he was there but mistakes were made and he paid the ultimate price. He was only 56 when he died.

I will approach my GP, thank you.

I am so sorry about the loss of your DH. What an untimely death! It's only natural to feel guilt even if not deserved. But that is an awful burden to carry. Are you able to draw on happy memories at all or is everything clouded by this endless grief? It is very unfair for you to have to go through this.
Have you had any grief counselling? It is so much to bear alone. especially if people don't realise and don't offer a listening ear.

I'm so sorry. The pain of bereavement is like nothing else. My child too keeps me here😔💔

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much and carrying around such a lot of pain and guilt. You may be able to find some help in your local community - or a little further away if you feel you need the distance. This is a good place to start: https://www.ataloss.org/ Sending you lots of love.

Iim so sorry for your loss I'm 4 months into this shitty journey. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly at home due to a pulmonary embolism he had just turned 50. (Im 41) The loneliness is the worst thing people mean well but no one understands unless they have lived it, everything about your life changes and the future seems bleak and empty. Im not sure how old you are but have you joined Way? The main site is pretty quiet but the facebook groups are helpful and everyone gets it. Sending you a hug and pm me if you ever nerd to talk its absolutely crap

I am 15 months down the line I am so lonely. Does it ever go away, do I want it to?? My heart is with you.
My youngest homegrown son died 3 weeks ago and I have nobody at home to talk to. I am fortunate to have our 3 adopted ?children with Down Syndrome at home they keep me going.
Take care and stay strong

I'm so sorry I am too recently widowed and everything is empty and full of despair it's so hard to get through the day.

So sorry for your loss

@Bytheseaglass @NoSuitableName @mumof2many1943 I am so sorry I can't imagine how suffocating the grief must feel.
I appreciate it is not the same as a DH but when I lost mil I felt such guilt and still do. I am a HCP unlike anyone else in my family, and really feel I let mil down. Some of this of course has come with hindsight, she was only 62 and it was very sudden and traumatic. I have supported my dh and fil through this but didn't acknowledge my feelings, she was the best mil.

I don't think it gets easier it just gradually get less raw. I don't know what to suggest to help really, as everything just seems a bit pathetic really 🤔 but, it seems like you are all still putting one foot in front of the other. 💐 and hugs.
You will always find someone on here sadly to talk to.

I’m 12 months in and lonely too. I hate it so much.

Reading each and every one of your messages and my heart goes out to you.

My DH died in an accident at the age of 55 when I was just 50. It was such a shock and for years I struggled to cope with the grief and loneliness.

I didn’t conform to the ‘grieve for a year’ message society tried to impose on me and three years down the line wondered if I would ever be me again. The grief was overwhelming. I was consumed by thoughts of my DH and the accident that ended his life. Lost in a life that I just didn't recognise.

Then gradually things started to change. I had some counselling, moved across the country, reduced my career stress and developed a new life. Despite being quite introvert I accepted every invitation that came my way in my new home. I also joined Meetup. Both helped to make a new group of friends.

18 years down the line I can honestly say I am happier than I have ever been. I knew when my DH died, that I would never remarry and have come to love living alone. A great social life means that alone, never means lonely.

I still think about my DH every day, but now it isn’t with sadness. Rather a smile and gentle memories of the life and love we shared together.

For anyone struggling with the early days I would really encourage Bereavement Counselling and say, that you won’t always feel like this. It will get easier, the grief will soften and gradually you will build a life around the memories of the happier times you shared together.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself !!

I lost DH 4 months ago due to a rare complication following planned major surgery. I too wonder if I could have done more. I struggle with the lack of ‘comfort’ in hospital. He needed support to eat and drink, and didn’t get it when I wasn’t there. I spent the whole of visiting times with him, but still think I should have been more proactive.

There does seem to be a fairly common theme of guilt in several of the posts, and maybe that is a process we need to go through to eventually come to terms with our loss.

In some ways I felt stronger earlier on when there was so much to do than I feel now. Yesterday and today have been tearful ones.

My husband was outwardly fit and healthy before surgery, although that would have changed with time.

It is very hard to accept the loss of someone who didn’t look ill and who wasn’t suffering.

I miss my best friend, who was my rock and always on my side.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to you, other than that I understand - I lost my husband during lockdown. He'd been ill for a long time and I keep thinking that I let him down at the end.

I'm so very sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are suffering, I do understand, I lost my husband almost 15 months ago. Navigating the world as a 'single' woman feels so lonely and alien even though I have a strong support network.
Grief really is horrific, it's something to be managed day by day, try not to look too far ahead, I know i get defeated if I do that.
I feel like disappearing too at times, all your feelings are normal for the situation you find yourself in, you are hurting enough already so try to be kind to yourself.
Sending you virtual hugs sweety. Xx