Feel like I'm going mad!

[Naughtybutnice76]

I'm just seeking some perspective on a situation as I feel like I'm going mad. To be brief, I lost my sister to suicide in June 2022 and since then I feel like every mood I have is being scrutinised by family. I feel like I can't just be in a bad mood without being asked if I'm OK, that I seem to have changed, that i seem distant or in another world. I see and feel others moods but just see them as that so why is everyone pointing mine out to me?

Today my Mum was angry with me about something but later apologised but then continued to say are you OK you seem different? I feel like it was passed back to me being the cause of why she was upset when this was definitely something she overreacted to. I am so very aware that my mum will be hurting and grieving and I try and be as supportive as I can but i feel like the focus is always negatively on me.
Are my moods really that severe, am I not seeing myself as others see me? I know I have changed, how could I not it's the worst thing that has ever and will ever happen to me but to me I just have my off days like everyone else. I work long hours and have a very busy life and since I lost my sister life has been full on, a new grandson (4th one), my daughter's wedding and a big holiday to Florida (brought forward from lockdown). I just feel like I haven't had time to really process any of what's happened over the last year and half and am getting by the best I can, just like everyone else is.
I am not looking for sympathy just honest perspectives as it's really making me doubt my own perspective of myself.

Im so sorry for your loss OP.
I lost a son to suicide and I know that I'm always hyper sensitive to any negative mood changes in my AC. Even now years later. I don't talk to them in the same terms as you describe your DM but I'm very quick - probably too much - to ask them of they're OK or if they need anything etc. I've had to work really hard to stop myself running to the rescue all the time.
I know that underneath I'm fucking terrified I'll miss the signs of distress and I'll lose another one.
I know rationally that just because one of them is sad or angry it doesn't mean they're going to hurt themselves. But my heart still starts pounding.
I could be completely wrong but it's possible your mother is struggling with similar worries, however unfounded.

That was my thought too, that having lost one they are terrified of it happening again. I don't think it is any reflection on you OP. Sorry for your loss.

It's a very close loss, so they are concerned about you. They are probably also aware that exposure to suicide increases the chances you will do it as well, statistically anyway. They are probably running on fear and hypersensitive to any threat to your well being. Everyone just has so much deep seated trauma at the moment and their reactions may well be a PTSD response as well. Last year is so recent. I'm so sorry for your loss OP.