Struggling to be a good mum

[OriRey]

I recently lost my mum. I was 'expecting' it although it has left me feeling useless. My 20 month-old has his father who has always been wonderful and committed to our child but I know i'm not being a good mother as I'm so detached from everything. I thought i'd find comfort in my child but I don't. I want to know if anyone has ever felt the same and if so, what did they do to pull themselves out of the void.

I'm sorry about your mum. How long has it been?

I don't think beating yourself around the head for a natural grief reaction is helpful. Good mums are allowed to be human and grieve. Suppressing feelings rarely does anyone much good.

Have you had any kind of bereavement support?

Oh OP, that sounds so tough. Not quite the same as you, but I lost my lovely and beloved mum about 2 years before I had my first baby. It's so hard, lots of parenting brings up questions or memories. I think the loss of "being mothered" is so hard when you are still in the early stages of being a mother yourself. Maybe this is where that feeling of not being comforted by being with your child comes from? It's the case for me anyway.

I don't think there is a specific thing I can recommend, but have faith that with time it will get better. I still have days where I feel completely checked out of parenting because the grief is too big, but luckily DH steps in (sounds the case for you too). There is nothing wrong with that, no parent can be 100% for their child 100% of the time, even without this grief. You will eventually gain more control over when you let the grief come but right now you are in the trenches.

Rev Richard Coles has some interesting (not very religious) writings on grief after he lost his life partner. He wrote something about grief being a hole- at the start you don't know where the edges are so you fall in often by accident. Later on you learn the edges and so can sometimes choose if you want to sit on the edge and look in, or if you need to skirt round it. I found that comforting.

My mum passed on Sunday morning. I spent almost 30 hours with her before she went and it still feels so unreal. I have feelings of rage and uncontrollable sadness at the same time. Ive not seen any friends as I don't even know where to start. I am not sleeping well which means I can't wake up early so I miss the first half of my Childs day and i'm disconnected for the rest. I asked for support from cruse but they have a long waiting list. The doctor gave me sleeping tablets but I haven't taken them. I know my child knows im sad as he sees me but I don't have any energy to be there for anyone. I just can't stop thinking that my mum has gone and how even though it was inevitable, its like a nighmare that I can't wake up from or move on from. Thank you for the recommendations for Richard Cole. I will read them.

Bless you, it's only been five days. You are being far far far too hard on yourself. You wouldn't even recover from flu in five days. Please be gentle with yourself.

It's not about "moving on", I don't think anyone does that after loss, but in time you will learn to carry your mum and her loss within you. It won't always feel as unbearable as it does right now.

At this very very very early stage all you need to do is get through one hour at a time. Try not to think too much about the future.

Usually grief counseling isn't offered until a few months have passed, but there's other support available. Reading about how grief affects you and ways to care for yourself can help.

Sue Ryder and Marie Curie also have bereavement support services. Sue Ryder has a free text service which sends tips and advice - it can also send them to friends or family to help them support you, if wanted.

https://sueryder.grief.coach/

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/online-bereavement-support

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereavement

Is there a reason you haven't taken any of the sleeping tablets? Do you have any worries about them?

I know some people worry about being too groggy to wake up or being completely sedated. Most sleeping tablets don't have that affect - for example, with a low dose of zopiclone you would still be able to wake up in the night if anyone needed you.

If you have particular worries about using the medication you've been prescribed you could ask for a telephone appointment with the doctor to ask your questions and get reassurance. Or the information might be available online.

You don't have to take them, I just wondered because you mentioned it if you wanted to take them but had worries that were stopping you.

It really is no time at all. You need to give yourself time - nothing you have described is in any way abnormal. It is worth saying that being sad is part of being human and it will not harm your chid to see you sad. When my OH died all the GC saw us all cry and be sad - it did them no harm - they just saw real life going on.

The pain of bereavement does not go away - you just learn to walk beside it as you go through life.

Be kind to yourself - these are difficult days for you. x