Hi all,
I feel like I need to tell this to someone. I never wrote in a forum before in my life.
My baby daughter died from lack of oxygen, one week after her birth. During the delivery, the doctors failed to find her heart beat, and let me deliver her naturally. They didn't realise that her umbilical cord was stuck and she was severely deprived of oxygen in the last ~20 min of birth. She was born silently, and did not breath, the doctors attached her to life support, and a few days later realised that the damage from lack of oxygen was too high, and that they could not save her.
Now, 10 months later, I'm pretty much functioning, I'm soon finishing my PhD (supposed to write my thesis at this very moment). Sometimes I'm not ok, though.
Lilly was my first and only daughter, and she didn't have to die.
Now we have problems with getting pregnant a second time, it's possible that Lilly will always be our only daughter.
It feels like I'm grieving many things at once. My daughter, the idea of being a mother (to a living child), and the friends I lost after the tragedy (including my best friend).
Life is so different after the birth. I hardly recognise myself. We are trying to keep the marriage intact, trying to put on a happy face.
I feel very isolated, there's no friend with whom I can talk about any of this. as I mentioned, my best friend gave up on me. I guess it was too difficult for her to be there when I'm weak. I was never the weak person, in any relationship. But now I am, and I don't know how to be that.
I need a break, I need to finish the PhD and all my obligations. I need to feel that someone understands me.
To whoever decides to read this, thank you. I really needed to say this.
Best,
Lilly's mom