I wondered if anyone would have some advice for me or had experience of feeling similar. My dad died two years ago and I still can't talk about it at all. It's a feeling like the grief is still bottled up inside me, and if I try to talk about it I'll start crying and won't be able to stop.
I wonder if the problem is that when he died, my twins were six months old and I was extremely emotionally detached because i was so preoccupied with them. We had a lot of issues in the first year with feeding and allergies, which are now resolved. But at the time I remember feeling a huge pressure to figure it all out and get help for them. I don't remember crying much or even feeling upset when we found out he had a terminal diagnosis, or when he died. Which at the time seemed helpful because it allowed me to carry on.
My mum sometimes tries to talk to me about him and I just clam up or change the subject, and I feel terrible because I should be supporting her with her grief (she was married to him 35 years).
I also cant talk to my husband about it which means he cant support me (since he's not telepathic!). Plus I'm aware that at some point I need to figure out a way to tell my kids about their grandad and I can't imagine how I'm going to do that!