3 months on

[ElevenBells]

My mum died suddenly age 60 age 3 months ago. At the time friends, colleagues and OH were very supportive but I think I was in shock and for the most part felt ok. Organised the funeral and paperwork and wanted to get back to work and regular life asap. Recently though I’ve had what seems to be a massive brain fog and feel very irritable and teary (didn’t cry at all in aftermath of her death or at funeral). I’m not doing well in work, I can’t be bothered to reply to messages or meet up with friends and generally have no motivation and feel disconnected to my OH and kids. I missed an important meeting in work today just through sheer absent mindedness and now am getting my ass handed to me by management. It just feels as though that everyone used up their sympathy on me at the time when I didn’t feel like I need it. I feel stupid that I’m suffering more now and I don’t think work would react kindly to me taking time off.
not sure what the point of thread is, just wondered if anyone else felt like this.

Long time ago now, but three months after a significant bereavement was the hardest part for me.

At the time I was young with no DC so I had minimal commitments, which made it easier. I made a deal with myself every morning that I'd stay in work til 11 and then go home - never did go home, once I got into the swing of things I was ok, but giving myself permission made it easier.

You have a lot more on your plate - do you think getting signed off for a bit would help? Sometimes we need to sit with our grief, sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is what keeps us goin.

It is not sympathy that you need, but help to overcome your depression. You are showing all the symptoms. Go and speak to the doc or seek some counselling.

By the way, I lost my OH 3 years ago and it was difficult to deal with the fact that some friends crept away after a short while as if I was tainted by grief. Others though have been wonderful.

I am reading Kingsolver's Demon Copperfield at the moment and he loses his mother. En route to the funeral he is driven by a man who is chatting up a woman in the passenger seat, and he thinks: "There is no sort of sad in this world that will stop it from turning." That is true - it is hard to watch life going on around you when your life has been brought up short.

Do seek some help.

3 months is usually when all the urgent sadmin has been done, friends and family have moved on and may stop checking in on you, and now it's quieter you have more time to reflect and think of your loss and grief. Many of us have been there. Cruse and sue ryder offer bereavement counselling services, and your work HR may have access to support for you. See your GP and ask about ADs to help you through the next few weeks. The numbness of grief will ease with time but you need to ask for support and not try to do it all by yourself.