Wife’s sister died but won’t talk to me about it

[Hijinks75]

DW younger sister died a few days ago from cancer, my DW has let her other sister and colleagues at work know she feels lost , can’t sleep , doesn’t want to eat generally not coping( one of her work colleagues told me this) but she hasn’t said anything to me, other than asking me to tell our kids she hasn’t mentioned anything, she was at the hospital with her and her other sister when she died, I feel pushed aside, she was just the same when her parents died a few years ago, like I didn’t exist, she even told me they were her main family and it was them she needed. I don’t know what to do for best, really don’t want to say anything as I know that will lead to an argument but I can’t help if she won’t talk, anyone experienced anything like this?

So sorry to hear this and what a sad time it must be for her but also very hard for you to be kept away like this .
I would just try and respond to her distance in kindness and try to be generous and avoid feeling hurt, even though it must hurt- and do anything practical to show her a lot of love like meals.
i feel for you though as it doesn’t sound easy for you and you’re doing well to avoid confrontation which sounds important . It may just be her way of trying to cope or a reaction to her pain and it doesn’t make it ok to be unkind to you , but I would let this go if you can and try and help her through this as kindly as you still can

I'm sorry you feel pushed aside and you obviously want to help, but try to respect her need to grieve in her own way.

It sounds like you feel the need to talk but she doesn't? Can you find someone to talk to about your feelings (here if that works for you) and just try to gently figure out what your wife wants from you.

Grief does not excuse bad behaviour however, make allowances but ensure your own boundaries aren't pushed too much.

Appreciate the advice, still said very little to me , not pushing anything with her

Have you actually asked how she is at a time when she can talk? Have you lessened the burden at home to go e her time to grieve? I think for now that's all you can do. Don't push, don't blame, don't give her your own grief, be there for the kids.

Longer term, you need to think about how this reflects on your general emotional closeness. A talk for another time.

Thinking back I was like this with my husband at the time. He had set ideas of what grieving was like and expected me to be crying etc when at the time I was numb.

I shut him out , not because I didn't love him but because I felt like he couldn't possibly understand my hurt . After all he still had his parents .

It's easier to admit you aren't coping to people who are also grieving or understand grief .
Just continue letting her know that you are there for her ,but let her grieve in her own way . Obviously whilst respecting your own boundaries. I hope things get easier for you both.