Apologies for the long post there is quite a lot to it.
I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 14, he was 16 but we truly adored each other. When things were good they were amazing but there were some very dark times which ultimately lead to me leaving 8 weeks pregnant when I was 20 years old.
When I say things were very dark think along the lines of DV and emotional abuse, not that it is an excuse but he had undiagnosed ADHD (diagnosed aged 30) and a lot of childhood trauma. We had a beautiful son in 2016 who is his absolute double and their mannerisms a so similar! He wasn't allowed to be around as he was convicted of the DV against me and court ruled that he wasn't allowed to see him in a contact centre. We did keep in touch and he regularly apologised, knew nothing could change what had happened but that despite it he loved us both. I moved on and met my now husband, and we had sporadic contact over the years, he would ask for pictures and what not and ask after his son.
We had a conversation two weeks ago where he asked if he could send him a secret santa present for Xmas and I agreed.
One week ago we got the devastating news he had been involved in a fatal car crash. I'm genuinely devastated, I can't sleep, can't eat because I feel like I'm choking, all I can think about his him.
My husband has tried to be supportive but has also struggled with this. He didn't have the best opinion of him due to our volatile relationship which I understand but 3 days after he passed he told me to "pack it in, don't understand why you're still crying about him I thought you didn't care".
It has totally coloured my view of my husband. I just can't look at him the same now.
There was just so much left unsaid, I think there was always a connection with us but didn't want to put our son through the same trauma he had experienced as a child so knew we would never work as a couple.
I feel so flat.
I have been in touch with his family who also have zero relationship with my son, not for lack of trying on my part and asked them to please let me know the date of the funeral and things as I feel its important for my son to know where his dad is laid to rest, and I really hope this sickening reminder that life is too short for anger and grudges helps them to see that they should make more effort with my son, but at the same time I realise how painful that could be for them given how alike they were.
I dont really know what I'm asking if I'm being honest, I just want to know it won't always feel this intense and that not everything will feel cloudy and grey.