Can't get over my mum's death

[missingmylovelymum]

My wonderful mum died in April after a very very short battle with terminal cancer. We had no time to process the fact she had cancer really and then 10 days after the appointment with the consultant where he said she had "a few months" she died.
She died peacefully at home in bed so I know she didn't suffer, it just all happened so quickly, she deteriorated so fast we didn't even really have chance to grasp what was going on.

I'm 28 and I have a 2.5 yo child. I am also going through a divorce and I live miles away from the rest of my family and I just can't cope.
I am so depressed all the time, it physically pains me to think of my mum. I miss her so much, it's like a piece of me has gone. I can't understand how the world is still going when my mum isn't here anymore. I feel like I'm just surviving hour to hour through the days - thinking "one more hour and then make tea" "2 hours until bedtime" etc. and I do that every day.
I am in so much pain, I am so sad, I am so tired. All I want is to speak to my mum and I can't come to terms with the fact I will never see her again.
I don't really have any close friends, I live quite far from my remaining family (just my dad and brother though), and although me and my brother are very close I feel I can't talk to him about how bad I really feel because I don't want to worry him or upset him.
I don't know where to turn - I can't afford bereavement counselling and ringing helplines etc doesn't help I feel I need to talk to somebody in person. But even then what good is talking about it going to do - it's not going to bring my mum back.
I am so angry all the time. She was my DS's only good grandparent, she adored him and it breaks my heart he won't remember the times he had with her. Obviously I always talk about her to him but he's under assessment for autism etc and delayed so he doesn't really understand. I love my son so much but all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to be with my mum.
We talked all the time, now I have nobody to speak to really and the days feel so long and lonely. My dad is an awful man to be honest and is no support whatsoever.
I feel traumatised by some of the things I saw towards the end and my heart breaks for my beautiful mum having to die like that with hardly any time to prepare. I cannot describe the pain and the emptiness I feel, I feel like I'm not even real.

I can't stand going out in public, when I see people my mum's age or older or people with their mums I can't cope, I lose it and start crying in places like the supermarket. I feel completely unstable and like I can't enjoy anything.
My son stays with his dad at weekends so I spend that time with my family but then when I come home I feel so isolated and alone. When I think about my mum it takes my breath away. I don't know how else to describe it and I'm rambling so thank you if anyone has read this.

I miss her so much.

I'm sorry to hear how sad you are @missingmylovelymum , 5 months really is no time at all and no one would expect you to be "over it".

I totally understand what you mean about feeling upset when you see people with their mum making you feel resentful, I lost my dad at 25 and also felt like this at times. I've also felt sad that he never met his grandchildren and it can feel like life has been unfair.

I think you need to speak to your GP about how you are feeling and ask to be referred for grief counselling. Often they say to gave counselling a year on as it is normal to feel awful in the months after someone's death but your grief sounds like it's overwhelming.

Could you contact the Cruse helpline in the meantime? I know you said you would prefer face to face but they really are the experts and would be able to give you the best advice.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are young and it's a cruel blow.

I lost my mum quite suddenly - we were extremely close (I'm an only child and we spoke every day and saw each other several times a week) so I promise you, I understand your pain.

It will get better. I know that sounds hollow, but it will. However, speaking to someone in real-life will help that process speed up. If you don't, there is always a chance you get stuck in a certain point of your grief and can't move forward to the next step in the process if that makes sense? It sounds like you might be a bit stuck because you haven't been able to process this part of your loss properly yet? There is free bereavement counselling available through charities and where I live, there are face to face options. There are also groups. Where are you OP? Maybe we can help find somewhere suitable where you can open up. You really do need some professional help and I think talking in a group therapy situation with other bereaved daughters might help you feel less alone.

Being with a small child away from family is lonely. Their needs are relentless and it gives you little time for you to do anything like self-care and you really do need to do that. Do you have any childcare/nursery in place? Can you use that time to explore ways to help yourself begin to heal?

Our relationships with our mums is so unique and I felt especially close to mine when I had my first DC - it's a terrible time for you to lose her. I was utterly bereft for nearly a year and then started to feel more at peace with it all. It's now 5 years and although I miss her and get terrible pangs or can cry at certain triggers sometimes, most of the time, I can remember and talk about her without feeling sad. You will have this too, I promise.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so so sad losing a parent.

Sorry you're going through this, do you have a hospice near you ? I've worked in a couple and they do counselling.

Please contact your local hospice and ask about their bereavement counselling - it is provided free of charge. They should be able to help you even though your mum might not have received their care as she still died from a palliative condition and so she would have been eligible for support from them and so will you.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Losing your mum, for most people, is a huge thing which takes time to process. Be kind to yourself and just set yourself small goals for the meantime. The fact that you have coped with everything since April is a sign that you can survive it. Things will become easier

@missingmylovelymum I felt every word of this.
It's been 3 years & 5 months since I lost my wonderful mum and i am totally and utterly heartbroken. I have a 1 & 3 year old and I'm. Good mum but I just go through the motions every day and get done what needs to be done. I hope I get the chance to be with her again someday

Oh love you are so young and this happened so recently it's totally normal to feel as you do ❤️ be kind to yourself. It takes a long time to feel anything approaching normal again (altho this is a sadness you will always carry to some extent you do at some point begin to be able to start functioning normally again) Sudden death is such a shock.
My dad dropped dead completely unexpectedly, no health issues whatsoever, just sat at his desk alive one minute, dead the next his glass of wine still in his hand hadn't even fallen over. He was 64. It was beyond surreal. At the length of time you've passed from the death I was still an utter state. I'd wake in the morning and immediately cry for hours. Then I'd cry myself to sleep at night.. and I'd just burst into tears during the day too.. the first week I couldn't sleep at all.
Honestly it's been a year now and I'm functioning alot better. It's still really painful but I'm managing to feel joy in my life again.
It's so unbelievably sad for my children.. I am also pregnant with a child who will now never know this wonderful man.
This happened to you not even 6 months ago. What you are feeling is totally understandable and normal. This was someone so important in your life who you loved so much who is just suddenly gone.

I am so sorry that you are going through this OP. You have lots of things on your plate and your Mothers recent bereavement on top. Please make an appointment to see your GP to see what services they can offer. I also wouldn't let them just throw antidepressants at you. It sounds like you need to speak with someone and you could also use some support. Maybe they can talk you through what help is available. In the meantime you can talk here and we can listen. Others may have advice on where you can get help also.

Do you have a maggies centre nearby? They offer free counselling for bereaved families and you don't have to wait 6 months. It's a drop in service.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say it gets easier but you learn coping mechanisms.
I lost my mum around the same age, sadly my kids weren't born so they've never know how wonderful she was.

I'm so sorry about your lovely Mum. I'm sure you wonder why she was taken from you first and not your Dad. You say that you visit your family at the weekend while your son is with his Dad. This seems to bring you some relief, support. Is there any possibility of moving back, even temporarily? I think you need to be near your brother and friends for now while the grief is raw. Be kind to yourself x

Please contact the Samaritans tonight, once your son is in bed. They will talk to you and enable you to get the words and feelings out there. No time limit so you can speak for as long as you like and ring any number of times.
.
They will also be able to signpost you to other organisations who will be able to help

Hospices are wonderful sources of care and support.

Sending you so much love ❤️

Hey- maybe try self referring to Homestart- they work with families who have children under 5 years old. Their volunteers work around your schedule and either visit you at home or in the community- whatever suits you best. They are well trained and very good at finding resources in the community too. I feel every bit of your pain. I lost my parents several years ago and miss them dearly- the pain initially was indescribable but it does get better. Please take care of yourself x

Firstly my sincere condolences. Losing your mum is a crushing blow but especially at your age. I'm so sorry.
When my wonderful mum died I had absolutely wonderful counselling from Cruise. They are a fantastic organisation and it was free. I would highly recommend them. I think talking to that lovely lady really helped me in a way that nothing else did.

I lost my mum in March and I still miss her terribly. The last couple of weeks have been so hard because my son started secondary and she was very close to him, adored him in the way his other grandparents dont (they love him but are a bit distant). I’ve so wanted to talk to her, share his photos l, let him chat to her. I’ve been so emotional.

Grief is hard and you’re doing it alone. Please reach out to your brother, he would want you to rather than suffer like this. He may be feeling the same. Speak to your GP, you need to access bereavement counselling. Take the advice from posters above re contacting the hospice. Look at the Marie Curie website also.

Then maybe consider how happy you are in the area you live. You sound quite isolated. Would a move to be nearer your brother seem appealing? Could you make it work?
If you are settled where you are, start thinking about how you could meet more people, have more adult interaction. There is never a better time to do this than when you have a small child. Stay and plays are perfect.
Can you also get some child free time now and then to take some time for yourself.

It’s very hard, you have my full sympathy, you’re dealing with such a lot. You need to reach out to family and professionals. It will ease with time.

Thank you so much for all your replies, I wish I could reply to them all individually but I'm just keeping them for now to read over them and take some advice from. But it is so incredibly appreciated and has made me feel less alone. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply and I am so sorry for those of you who have been through this or are going through this. Life is so cruel.

I'll try and address the main points - my mum did have care from a hospice at the end (they came out to the house a few times to see her, administer medication etc) so I could get in touch with them and see if they could help. Somebody mentioned maggie's and there's definitely one of those around as I'm quite certain that was who contacted me to sort out PIP for my mum etc.

I will make an appointment with the GP although as I have a history of depression I imagine they'll just try and fob me off with antidepressants but I really don't want them - especially as at first they can make you feel so out of it and I can't function to look after my son if I'm in that state. I do feel I need to talk to somebody so I'll have a look at the resources people have mentioned.

In terms of moving closer to my family, that is something I'm looking into currently. I am in a housing association house luckily so I have been looking for a swap and I think I have found one (fingers crossed). I am hoping I'll be able to move before Christmas if everything goes through, and that means I'll be 5/10 minutes away by car rather than 40 minutes away. I'd be able to walk to their house in the time it takes to drive to where we live now.
Unfortunately my dad won't let us live there or I know that's what my brother would want (he still lives with my dad, can't remember if I wrote that in the original post). My dad just has no interest in his grandchild whatsoever, which is even more heartbreaking as my mum adored him so much. But if I can get this swap sorted then that will drastically improve my life. I'd be close to my brother and a couple of my friends so I'd have a proper support system whereas now I don't even speak to any of the neighbours which makes it very lonely. I can go days without speaking to another adult in person (just on the phone) and I do find that difficult.

So for now I'm focusing on trying to get this move sorted and then I think I will feel better once that's underway. It's scary because my mum has been a huge help when I've moved in the past and I'm soon to be divorced so no help there either.
I also find the prospect of moving house sad in a way because I'll be moving to a house that my mum has never seen or been in, whereas she has been here. But I suppose we still have the family home and she's everywhere there, so I know I'm just being overly sentimental as it's another big change. I just hope everything works out as that will make things much better

Well done OP, you are being proactive with your life. That can be extremely difficult to do when you're going through all of what you are going through.

In the meantime, have you thought about joining a parent and toddler group? It might get you out of the house and talking to other adults.

@BananaSpanner
Apologies, I just spotted you mentioned this.

Sorry for the loss of your dear mum. I'm 10 years the other side of my mum passing and I know you are feeling raw about it but the pain does lessen and eventually day by day it will get a little easier.
The loss of your mum is probably something you will never get over , but things will happen in your life that will create new memories and happy days and that will help to lessen the grief that sits alongside your loss and those feelings that life will never be the same again .
You won't ever forget her , she was your much loved mum .

As I said at the beginning it's 10 years for me and there are still times when I'd love to pick up the phone for a chat or go around to hers , or have one of our days out and that still feels like a physical pain when I feel like that , but honestly , that isn't every day like it is for you at the moment.
I think it takes at least 2 years to come to terms with it , you have first birthdays , first Christmases , milestone dates for your family to get through , but you will do it . Take care.

I"m glad to hear about the possible move. That will definitely help. Everything crossed that it goes through.

For now. GP/Maggies and any other support you can get.

Hour by hour, day by day until it all becomes more bearable.

So sorry you're going through this - trust me, it will get easier. I know that sounds trite, but honestly it's true. I had the same relationship as you had with my lovely Mum and it takes time to process it. You won't believe this now, but actually you're so fortunate to have had a close and loving relationship with her. She's obviously been a huge force for all that's good in your life.

It's great that you're being pro-active and changing your location to be nearer your family. Your Mum would have been so proud of you!!!!! One day at a time ...................

I don't know where to turn - I can't afford bereavement counselling and ringing helplines etc doesn't help I feel I need to talk to somebody in person

Cruse bereavement cou nselling is free and an amazing service. There is normally a waiting list though. Contact them now to get referred as it really helps. Go to local support services on this page

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

The only thing that helps is time I'm afraid and you are right to focus on hour by hour if that's all you can do. Losing a mother is horrific and for many people parental loss will be the worst bereavement they will experience in their life. A parent's love is like no other so the loss will be tough in a way that no other loss will be.

I'm about a year ahead of you and it took a long time to start to process the loss. It doesn't get less painful but it becomes something easier to cope with and something you start to accept is probably the best way to describe it. You move from being in pain constantly to being in pain intermittently and have bits in between where you can function a bit better.

It's shit though. That's all anyone can say. Hang in there. Time does pass even if it feels slowly.