Feeling alone

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My sister died 2 years ago and it's coming up to her birthday. I'm really struggling and whilst DP is always there to listen when I need to talk, he hasn't been through this himself and doesn't really appreciate how it feels. I'm not breaking down in tears or anything, it's just a sense of loss or something missing which hits me sometimes. It doesn't help that DSis was quite a difficult person to get along with at times and we didn't have the close friendship I see other people have with their siblings, so I find it hard to explain to DP why I miss her so much. I think actually it's more that regret that we won't grow old together (she was 37 when she died) and that she was starting to make steps towards a better life (her problems were largely alcohol-related though she was sober when she died of liver failure) which might have in time meant we had a more meaningful relationship. My parents have never really spoken to me about it, to ask how I'm feeling etc and show no signs of wanting to talk now. We've never had emotionally difficult conversations and my dad has more than once expressed his opinion that mental health problems are rubbish so I'm not inclined to think he would welcome talking about grief. He told DSis not to bother going to AA or similar because apparently it's depressing to sit in a room full of people talking about their problems. They mostly stick to reposting old pictures of DSis on Facebook saying something trite like 'so many memories'. I get the impression that in their opinion, if I don't comment on a Facebook memory with a broken heart emoji then I'm not bothered. They have no emotional intelligence and never ask more than a surface level question like 'How's work' as if they can then tick it off a list. Never anything more in depth about how things are going, why did u choose that (or why were you off work for so long (answer was work related stress and inability to cope with it, this was not related to DSiS actually, not that they would have known how to respond)).

I'm honestly not asking for help on resolving this because I know my parents don't really see the need and wouldn't understand why I do. If I brought it up, it is likely to make our relationship even more awkward and distant. I just need to get the feelings out there, and hopefully just doing that will make me feel better.

My auntie died at the age of 44 and was my mums only sister. I have no idea personally how it must feel but I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. My mum will occasionally go to places that were special to them both or drive to where she lived. Is there anywhere you could go where you may feel closer to her?
If you feel you need to talk about it have you ever tried grief counselling? I understand if your family have never been that way inclined it may feel strange to consider something like that, but I know Cruse bereavement support really helped my mum and my Nan when they most needed it.
Sorry I know you said you’re not looking for help but I couldn’t just read and not respond!
And don’t forget it’s perfectly ok to not be ok sometimes! Sending lots of love x

Thank you. I have been to counselling before for a different issue but hadn't really considered it for this because I don't tend to think about it constantly, the bad feelings about DSis and my parents come and go and I just accept it the way it is. Not a great way to deal with negativity so I will look into counselling. Finding a special place to think about her is a good idea. I do find listening to her favourite music sometimes helps.

I lost my lovely big sister 7 years ago. We weren't that close as she was much older than me and we were very different people but I miss her so much especially as I lost my mum last year. Counselling helped me a lot as I felt a lot of guilt that we weren't close.

Hi, OP-

I am so sorry about your DSis.

It is just past the first anniversary of my baby brother’s death in a freak sporting accident. Our relationship was less complicated in that I simply adored him. But the age gap was great, our mum was/is domineering and although I helped bring him up the last thing I wanted was to burden him with the feeling of an extra parent. I worried too much about that and as a result I held back in certain ways. We shared some bonds he didn’t have with our parents or my sister but this is still a big source of guilt. I am in bereavement counselling and it is helping a lot. (DH is great but not the same at all)

Your parents’ way of dealing with the death sounds similar to my mum’s. I have to respect that we all grieve in our own ways and that she’s lost her youngest. Unimaginable horror. By her own admission she hasn’t been able to cry. Sometimes I want to shake her and shout ‘He’s worth crying over!’ But I think it would break her.

I hope you do get some help and some relief. Very best wishes