Bereavement.. a year later.

[LibbyL92]

Hi all.

bit of background last year we lost my uncle very suddenly. He was 46 and never woke up.

He was living with my grandparents who both are very ill. Ones battling cancer and the other has numerous other conditions. They’ve had a rough time, not an easy life. Despite all this my grandparents still put everyone first. The nicest people in the world and it was them who found my uncle, their son dead.

I cannot even begin to explain the pain it’s had on our family. We are broken. My dear grandparents are completely wrecked. And a year later It hasn’t got any easier.

I don’t know what I’m expecting posting here. But it’s been over a year and I’m crushed. I’m battling between being heart broken and mourning for my uncle. And being completely devastated for my dear grandparents and crying for them. Seeing them breaks me every time. Everyday is a struggle for them.

I don’t know what I can do for them, how to help them and if things will ever get better. My nan can’t even go upstairs to where his bedroom was so sleeps in her arm chair. It’s just so heart breaking.

I’m still processing his death and it still doesn’t feel real.

I’m sorry if this jumbled and not making sense. But tonight is really hard and I can’t shake this feeling away.

I'm so sorry. The first year mark is the hardest in my experience. Would you like to tell us about your uncle? Obviously you don't have to. for you.

Grief is different for everybody. I imagine for your elderly, not very well and very ill grandparents, utterly devastating. This is their new reality, they might get past it to sunnier days, they might not.
For yourself, I would recommend some counselling so you can process your emotions and live with them better.

Thank you x

I can’t believe it’s been a year. Times gone so fast but felt so still. It’s a weird feeling.

He was a character. A man’s man. Loved a drink and anything mischievous we got up to (us and his kids who are my age) he would fully support and egg us on. Life and soul of the party and would do anything for anyone.
He didn’t have much. But his funeral was huge and it told us a lot about the person he was and what a good friend he must of been x

Thank you, I was considering this.

Sounds completely stupid but I’m desperate to see him in my dreams as a sign he’s ok. It hasn’t happened.

I’ve had a few readings and nothings come through. I can only think I’m doing this as I’m searching for some sort of closure and understanding.

or I’ve gone completely mad. But I’m just lost. It’s like I’m battling bereavement for him and intense guilt upset for my grandparents.

My now late MIL lost her youngest son when he was in his mid 30s. Her sister (my DH's aunt) shared with me that she had only really started to come to terms with it and find herself and enjoy life again about five years later. Sadly she too then passed away quite suddenly in her Walt 70s so she didn't get much time left to find her new path

That’s incredibly sad.
no parent should ever have to lose a child. It just isn’t fair.

the toll is must take on the elderly as well :(

How very sad. I’m so sorry for your loss, and all the pain you and your grandparents are suffering. I sometimes feel like grief actually gets worse over time as you get further away from the person you lost (particularly when their death was untimely; that big hole of time when they should have been living just seems to get bigger).

Your uncle sounds like a lovely man. No wonder you miss him. Do you find it comforts you at all to remember his warm character and sense of fun? It sounds as though he lived life well and left you with happy memories.

Thank you so much xx

I’m not sure it does to be honest. I mean I smile when I think of the good times but I guess I just feel a sense of anger that he was taken too soon, so young you know?

I take some comfort in knowing he wasn’t in any pain and died in his sleep peacefully.

Honestly one of the hardest bereavements are those that involve having to support a vulnerable person.
My nephew died of Sid's 2 years ago and my brother was on my mind constantly for a long time. It ate away at me.
I don't know what to suggest other then keeping a close eye on them, perhaps (if it's at all possible) see if you can get them out of the house every so often to keep their minds occupied.
I'm so sorry for what you've all been through xx

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. A year is a very very short amount of time and I don't think any of you will have come
to terms with this loss during that time. The coming to terms with this will absolutely happen in time.

I feel so much pain for your grandparents but I feel that they must feel comforted by having you knowing and loving them.

I listened to a very moving podcast recently about a book written by a parent who had tragically lost both his children in a car accident. It was so moving but talked about grief and how to navigate it. Shall I try to find the podcast for you? He had written a book as well. It seemed very informative xx sending big hugs xx

Thank you, it means a lot.
Im sorry
for your loss too. So very sad.

Yes, definitely. I speak to them everyday but definitely need to get over there more often. The days must feel so long for them as they can’t get out much due to their health.

Thank you so much, means a lot.

Yes please. That would be great if you could.
x

Was it the first 'major' death you've experienced? I find, after having lost many family members, you do get a little more pragmatic when you have lost count of the funerals you've attended. I don't say this to try to minimise your loss or experience, but rather that the first hits hard and some will hurt more than others. My mum died many years ago and I miss her every single day, it is the most dreadful feeling and I wish I could move on but I can't. Maybe one day I will. You may find counseling helpful, it's definitely worth a try.

Hey sweetie, just had a look at what it was called.
So the podcast is called 'I got back up'

And the particular one I am
Referring to is from 6th june. It's called 'Finding the words - a deeply personal
story of loss'. He refers to his book in the podcast and about the way they coped with their grief by feeling it and getting support from others.

Hope it helps in some way.

Please feel free to talk on here and seek help through counselling/friends etc.

I lost a baby 16 years ago at birth and I know the way I coped was talking talking talking...

Sending you loads of hugs xx

It’s definitely been the most shocking death. But he’s probably the biggest with regards to major.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. That’s incredibly hard.

I may seek counselling as well, I’ve had counselling for mental health before and it did work wonders. So it’s definitely worth a go.

Thank you so much for going to find that podcast for me. I’ll download it now.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Truly devastating. I think you’re right talking definitely helps. It’s like with anything isn’t it. Not keeping things bottled up xx

I think the first anniversary is excruciating and if that's what's prompted your post then I completely understand how you're feeling. It's just awful, for me it was like my heart was in a vice and I was permanently on the edge of a panic attack.

That said, I think you should definitely seek grief counselling. It's incredibly helpful to have somewhere to talk about these emotions. It also sounds like there's a few things wrapped up in there around your grandparents, it'll do you good to get them out there. I lost a parent at the same time as my sibling was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I very much got 'stuck' in the grieving process for my parent. Counselling really helped.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I will definitely seek some form of grief counselling. There is definitely something more than with regards to my grandparents.

i’m sorry for your loss also. Must of been a painful time. Life really is crap at times. So hard xx