"Anything I can do to help"

[GloriaVictoria]

More of a vent than anything else.

Background - I lost my DH very suddenly 2 months ago. We have no children. We had been married for 40 years so many people will know exactly what a dreadful time I'm going through right now. I'm wearing myself out trying to keep busy so I'm not spending too much time feeling sorry for myself.

DH came from a large family, although in latter years they weren't particularly close geographically or emotionally. I get on with most of his sibs though we're not bosom buddies, no joint nights out other than special family occasions.

What's really upset me is the times they (and others) say "just let me know if there's anything I can do"... and then disappear, or make excuses, or say they will help and not turn up. I'm not in the best of health physically or mentally and really could use some help clearing out stuff. I've offered the brothers some of his clothes and personal stuff (even old family photos from 60 years ago) - "oh yes please" - but no-one has made the effort to come & collect them.

Before the funeral I told them where I was going to scatter his ashes, and 3 of them said they would like to come with me... the distance would mean at least 1 night away from home for all of us. No-one mentioned the cost, which might possibly be an issue for 1 of them, but without any dialogue I don't really know. I told them the date I was going (in 3 weeks) - and so far no-one has confirmed they are coming.

Perhaps I should post this in AIBU but I really don't want to deal with flippant or judgemental responses. But do you think I'm expecting too much, and I just have to learn to start doing things on my own. His sibs will be grieving in their own ways, I get that, but wouldn't doing something positive help them too?

I am sorry for your loss , my DH died very suddenly 5 years ago. Some family, particularly my DB, a cousin and aunt were fantastic and helped physically, practically and emotionally.

But , some family and friends* *promised to help out but never did and in some cases made life sodding hard.
One person that had a 7 seater offered to give a lift to ( joint ) friends to the crem' they phoned me on the day of the funeral to say they could no longer help .

Before DH died we had arranged and paid for a friend that's a builder by trade to rebuild our front garden wall ( knocked down by idiot driver ) we had a dog and we could no longer let him out into the front garden because of the car sized hole in the wall .
A few days after the funeral the friend booked a last min holiday for 3 weeks ( fair enough ) when he cam back he had to catch up with the back log of work and despite me asking several time and explaining about my dog it was almost 6 months before he got round to it, and I am fairly sure he only did it the because a mutual friend had a word with him.

There were many other smaller but still upsetting things too.

It's the reson I joined MN to ask for advice and vent !

I am sorry for your loss.

sadly this is all too common when a loved one dies, I’ve experienced it too.

my dh died 2 years ago and it’s been the same experience for me, so many people esp his family being non existent in my life. His sister and brother saying you know where we are etc, ring if you need help and when I do they can’t help. No one comes to see me although I do make the effort to go and see them but I feel like it’s forced now. sadly I’ve just learnt to sort things out by myself and turn to places like Mumsnet for advice and support.

Hello. Firstly, I’m sorry you’re here. Secondly, I feel this acutely. Mum died in May. They weren’t here these past 3 years, then they were and now they’ve disappeared off face of planet. That phrase is total rubbish. The ones who said it were absent.

Grief is an ugly thing.

But it doesn’t stop just because you have a funeral. All those milestones. I just went away and by god I missed her. Nobody to tell that I’d got back. Nobody to give a toss whether we’d made it home safely or not. To share the holiday stories with.

Also, a good friend was absent during the whole passing of mum. I was devastated. She kept saying, ‘you know where I am!’
It comes off as unfeeling, and that the person doesn’t really want to see you in the ugly times. They can’t cope with it maybe. But that’s not good enough I don’t think. Love is all of it. I don’t know. I just feel for you. That’s all. People are generally disappointing. But I know I need to change that view and find less disappointing people but it’s hard, right? Never too late though.

Late posting to this thread, but I just wanted to offer solidarity and support. I'm having grief (anticipatory; my loved one is still with me) counselling at the moment, and one of the most helpful aspects of the counselling is to hear that this experience of people saying the right things but then melting away is very, very common.
I have some amazing people in my life; I'm very lucky. I have others for whom 'Is there anything I can do?' is just a form of virtue signalling. They say it to make themselves feel better.
I'm learning that this isn't necessarily an indication of what value they hold you in. There are so many reasons why people melt away. Some people are scared of death and scared of grief. Others are scared of someone asking them for their time/energy when they have scarcely enough for their own lives. Some people are happy to offer a listening ear; some can't bear to listen, but will run an errand. Those people, keep in your world. The ones who wave the 'Anything I can do' and melt away - let them melt away.