I’m very close to my 96yr old GM, she’s was like a mum to me. A couple of weeks ago she suffered a large stroke but despite originally starting to recover it became apparent that she lost her swallow and there was nothing that could be done as she was having chest infections.
Last week they removed all meds and just fed her with puréed foods at risk. I turned up for visiting Thursday night and she was laying in bed gurgling, clearly choking on something, she was grabbing my hand and trying to speak to say she needed air. I called a nurse as no-one had seemed to notice her condition and after 10 whole minutes of me waiting getting increasingly worried a nurse appears and they decide she needs suction.
Traumatically for my GM, with her clinging onto my hand they suction her deep into her throat and bring a load of yogurt up from what she had been given an hour earlier.
Nurse is suddenly more worried looking and they bring a large needle to place in her leg and administer morphine. Then she’s moved to a private cubicle and I’m told she has max 48 hours.
Her breathing is laboured and she grunts with every breath but she’s still aware and is able to speak (very slurred) and she’s making sense. I can’t imagine how traumatic it must have been for her. I stayed until late when another close relative came and took over for a few hours. I arrived back in the early hours and by now she’d been given another dose of morphine as she had started to become agitated.
This made her glassy eyed and staring, no response just gasping breaths, gaps started to appear between each breath where she wouldn’t breathe but it seemed she kept fighting on, I spent time talking to her to make her know we were there. Eventually the breathing became shallower and I sat and talked to her telling her how amazing she’d been and that she was doing brilliantly.
I eventually said ‘don’t be afraid to let go Nan’ and as soon as I said that her eyes just closed and she was gone.
Did she hear me say that or would it be just coincidence? It was almost a relief when it happened but it’s bothering me now that I told her to go and immediately she did.
Im not sure of the point of the post, I hardly cried all day yesterday and didn’t when she passed. I feel I can’t breathe at times and keep taking deep breaths. I don’t think it’s actually sunk in that she’s gone. I feel in limbo, I have work on Monday as you get 1 day leave for a grandparent. How do I deal with this with 1 day? I’ll need that for the funeral.
Sorry for the long post, I need to get this down somewhere, the tears keep starting but I’m biting them back, perhaps I need a good cry.