Having/raising children without your mum

[yellowroses0]

I’m 30 and it’s quite likely that my mum won’t be around when I have children, if she is she will be very poorly. I also lost a mum like figure to me recently so it’s a double whammy.

I know it’s all hypothetical just now but when I think about having children and both of them not being there it’s just so painful. How do people do it?

I'm really sorry that your mum is ill and got your recent loss.

I don't have a mother around for completely different reasons. It makes me sad sometimes when I see my friends with their mothers. I can't imagine what it would be like to have that kind of support. Not that they always get on, but just that person there behind them in a way.

And then I remember all the posts I've read on here about how it can be really hard having your mother around and I think it just is what it is.

Basically it's one of these life situations where you just have to get on with it. You don't spend much time thinking about it because it will only make you sad, unnecessarily. But it's definitely harder parenting without a supporting mother than it is parenting with one.

One thing to be VERY clear on is that whoever you decide to have children with a) is actively involved in all household things from the get go, someone you don't wish would sometimes pull their weight a bit more, b) not tied to his own mother's apron strings. He needs to be able to say No to her. Without those two things, the mother invariably finds herself carrying far more of the childcare and drudgery burden than the father, plus in tricky situations if the MIL starts overstepping boundaries. Both lead to feeling very isolated.

Like PostOpOp no mother around for different reasons and quite honestly am glad she wasn’t though you must be devastated that your mum might not be around, DH’s mum had died but so many friends helped us and were always there for us with all our adoptions (all 6 🫢) Good luck!

My mum died when I was a child op and my dad died when I was in my twenties. It is hard both emotionally and practically but not impossible. Do you have a partner. What are his parents like? If you're single, I'd say choose your partner carefully and make sure he has nice involved parents. Unfortunately my mil is totally disinterested...I think if I had nice kind in laws my life would be much better.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum and very sorry for your loss too.

My mum is around and I love her, but she isn't someone I'd ever ask for parenting advice and doesn't look after my DD. She doesn't dote on her or take any huge interest in her etc. I get by though, it's just how it is x

My mum died when my first was v young
It's hard but I feel her by my side everyday
I am jealous of those who have practical childcare and support but it could be worse, I was loved and brought up by a great role model and not everyone gets that privilege

Unfortunately neither of my parents lived to know their grandchildren. 😢

It’s not easy. My Mum died when my eldest was a toddler and my Dad when DC was a baby. She loved being a grandma and would have adored having the tribe she would have had now. (My Dad loved being a grandad too.) The DC would have been spoiled rotten. I get moments of regret wishing I could ring or get the DC to ring and give them their news etc. and sometimes get jealous when friends talk about their parents and their relationship with their DC. My in-laws aren’t that fussed so I do feel sad that the DC won’t ever experience that sort of relationship - I was close to my gran.

But the reality is that I just have to get on with it, my DC have close relationships with my siblings and we’re much closer as a result. And I’m probably much closer to my nieces than I would have been as my siblings and I help each other out with childcare. We have sleepovers and all sorts which is lovely and even have gone on holiday all together. So I can take comfort from that.

It’s hard and it makes me really sad.

My husband’s parents are around, but they are nowhere near as involved or interested as I know my mum would have been. Still they do love DD and she loves them so it makes me happy that she has some loving grandparents in her life.

My sister is 19 years older than me, and had her children young whilst I had DD very late. So my sister has her own grandchildren who DD hears calling her nana, and so she calls her nana too (sis is delighted with this!) I didn’t really imagine it going that way, or how much Dsis would just love and treat DD exactly like she’s one of her own grandchildren, but it really makes my heart full!

It doesn’t take away how hard it is to not have my mum around but it helps.

Im sorry OP it’s shit to be dealing with this at a relatively early age.

I lost my Mum to cancer 3 years ago, when I was 28. My son was born late last year, and there's been a lot of tears shed. As others have said, you get on with it because you have to, but the grief sits heavy some days

I have a great relationship with my MIL, but it's always a little bittersweet seeing her with my son and wondering how my own Mum would have been.

I found the anticipatory grief really hard, sending lots of love OP

So sorry to hear this OP. My DH parents both sadly passed when be was very young, although he is glad that our children have my parents he does say he gets sad not being able to offer them GP’s from his side. It was hard for him when kids were born and he couldn’t call them and he finds it hard when they hit milestones and feels he has no one to share his journey as a parent with. Its so hard to not be able to comfort him but its sadly the hand that he has been dealt. My eldest from a prev relationship lost their dad when they were 2 and they have no memories of their dad so DH aches for them because at least he has memories of his parents. Its really sad but you will still have that joy from your child x

Ffs . What a bad outlook on MIL already. Typically of mumsnet . It’s ok for daughter to be attached to apron strings but not son. How hypocritical .

Sorry to read about your mum op

My mum died a year before we had dc1, so she never knew we were expecting or anything. It is hard sometimes and I did feel quite bitter at points when I saw what other people had with extended family involvement. My dad also moved on with a new partner quite quickly, and she's a bit of a dick unfortunately, so he's ended up seeing less of us too 🙄. It is sad, but it is what it is! I really wanted to have children, so it would never have stopped me from having them and I would make the same choice a million times over 😊. Also, as this thread shows, there are a lot of people whose parents are still around who have to choose not to have them in their lives! That's very hard too.

I don't have any family. It's felt a bit "raw" at times with my son - because so many of his peers spend a lot of time with grandparents. Of my closest 8 friends, all of them have one days childcare with granny, and many of them see their parents at least monthly. I don't have that to give him; and my in-laws are remarkably disinterested in him, and haven't seen him since November. He's only 19 months old. I don't expect the world to find him as fascinating as I do; but I can't imagine not being interested for that long. When they last saw him, he couldn't walk. Now he can run, and talk.

It's been okay, though. Some days are rougher and sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone has a big family bubble; and I'd rather have had him and not had family to give him than have not had him. If the feelings were more frequent, or worse, I'd probably talk to someone about them. As it is, it's manageable.

I'm sorry for your loss

My lovely mum passed almost ten years ago. My father passed when I was a child. DH parents also deceased.
I have 2 children a boy who was 5 at the time she passed and a new baby who is now 4 months old.
My mum was amazing with children and babies and it makes me so sad to think that my new baby will never get to meet her wonderful Grandmother.
On a day to day basis I try not to think about it too much as I find it too upsetting. I just have to plod on and do the best I can for my children x

So sorry for your loss and that your Mum is poorly. My Mum died when DC were 4 and 7. DH parents a few years prior. They are left with one very disinterested GP.

My mum was poorly for a long time
and so we were very lucky she held on as long as she could. We tried to make as many memories as possible and we have a few videos, songs and books and memory boxes from her. All I can suggest is perhaps some of these things. As for the rest, we get on with it, and surround ourselves with more distant family twice a year (cousins etc) and friends. It is very hard and very bleak some days but my Mum (and yours) will be very proud of her legacy. Xx

I'm so sorry you are even having to think about this and your recent loss. You do somehow find a way to get on with it, it's not easy and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my Mum and what she, and her GC are missing out on. I also find it quite tough watching the inlaws knowing my Mum is missing out, not that I would ever stop them seeing their GC.

My Mum died suddenly when her first GC was 3m old. I'm grateful they met a fair bit in those 3m, but at the same time knowing how besotted Mum was after a rough life ride (recent divorce) made it difficult too. So long as your Mum is able, ask her all about your childhood (I have my memories but there are things I'm not sure about and wish my Mum was here to ask), take photos (I'm trying to make a photobook of my childhood, partly to help me, but also something to share with my child so we can talk about stories which my Mum would have happily regailed). My Mum had bought/made her GC so many things in that short time which i treasure. If there is anything special she would want to do with her GC, find out and maybe it is something you can offer your children to do together. Mum had a hobby which she taught me (all be it I grew out of it), but now she's gone. I've inherited the equipment and got back into her hobby and keeping it going to offer her GC the chance to do it as Mum totally would have made sure she taught her GC, also helps me feel closer to my Mum.

I didn't realise until I had my own child, the sacrifices my Mum made as a single parent for most my childhood and I wish I'd had the chance to say how grateful I was. I do think you raise your children how you know/remember or do the opposite pending on your childhood, so just remember your Mum and Mum figure will live on in you and how you parent your future children.

I’m sorry for your loss. Just after my DS was born we moved away from all friends and family, due to work. I had two subsequent children. You just get on with it.