Friends baby - stillborn at 37 weeks

[wools]

I've found out this evening that my good friend's baby has died at 37 weeks gestation. She is due to be induced on Friday. I was only talking to her this morning and everything was fine. I just can't believe this has suddenly happened. She is 45 years old and the baby was unplanned but she was so happy. How do people ever get over these things?

oh Wools, my heart goes out to your friend and her family at this terrible time. It happened to us last year.

Right now, just be her friend, and let her talk, cry, shout and scream as much as she wants/needs to.

People don't ever "get over" these things imo, as such, but you learn to live with it, and very slowly you learn to smile again.

I'm sure she's been directed already but Sands is a fantastic place for support as is here.

Your friend needs to take as long as she wants to be with her baby,m and take loads of photos, memories, hair, handprints, etc. I'm sure the hospital will help with all that, they are normally very sensitive.

I will light a candle for their angel. Please pass on my condolences.

Wise words from liahgen, just want to add my condolenscences.

Really all you can is there, understand her loss, and accept that it will change her.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

I'm so sorry for your friend and her family.

Thinking of all of you

Thank you for all your kind words. I will pass information onto her about Sands.

I've been reading the archives on Mumsnet and was wondering if it would be a good idea to print out some of the threads for her so she will know how others have and are coping.

Liahgen, I'm so sorry for your loss as well and thank you for wise words.

So very sorry for your friends loss . Any bereavement, but especially that of a child is horrendous. All your hopes, dreams and plans for the future seem to die with your child.

Please make sure you have physical contact with her as well as lots of talking. When I lost my two sons the majority of people didn't touch me! I felt as if I had a disease that was contagious. Even if she stiffens when you hug her please keep trying - she will remember those gestures forever.

Compassionate Friends is also a wonderful organisation - self help group for bereaved parents that is run by bereaved parents. There is no age limit with them and they helped so much after our losses.

No death so sad........

wools, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I agree, I don't think you ever get over it, but you do learn to live with it, eventually. wishing her strength on friday. it'll be afterwards that she will need a good friend like you. Do ask her about the baby - many people avoid the topic from what i've read on MN/heard from other people, this is (usually) the worst thing you can do. xxx

Thank you Shabster and Bundle. I know she'll get through it - she's made of strong stuff. I just can't help thinking what could have been. It is the cruellest blow.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss how absolutely horrible for her

No one can fully understand what she's going through right now but i really feel for her as the same happened to me. We lost our daughter at the end of November at 39 weeks.

I'm not sure I'll ever be over it but 3 months on I'm certainly so much better than i was - there is life afterwards honestly even though at the time it felt like my world had ended.

She's lucky to have a friend like you who cares enough to try and find out more. I'd just say keep checking up on her, talk to her about it as much as she needs and also offer her practical help as she'll have to do things like register the baby and plan a funeral. I'd also really recommend counselling - it was arranged for us by the hospital and we're still having it as have found it so helpful.

hope that helps xxx

Oh so sorry to hear that wools, that really is a brutal thing to happen. Sorry also to hear of your loss laurajo.

I can't imagine anything harder to deal with. i'm sure as others have said you don't ever actually get over this sort of thing but I think keep in mind that she can still have a full and happy life which gives her much joy; despite having to deal with what's happened to her.

Was it her first?

I have a good friend pregnant at the same age, with her first; it is a nervous pregnancy for her and us but I must say by 37 weeks you can be forgiven for feeling you are pretty 'safe'. I think it must make it all the more shocking for your friend and everyone who loves her.

i think accept that she will be in shock for a while. Best thing to do in my view is contact her, and talk. don't feel 'oh she won't want me I'll let her contact me when she's ready' because people just don't...even if you feel you might say the wrong thing, just say what you feel. Better than not.

My mum's friend's daughter died, and my mum was telling me that the first time she saw her friend afterward, my mum couldn't hold back the tears and felt AWFUL - what right had she to be the one crying - but her friend said it was actually nice for her to see how deeply other people were affected by her daughter's death; it was a compliment to her and her daughter she felt, and she got some solace from that, from knowing that other people felt it was a major thing as well.

HTH

Thank you both for your kind and wise words.

Laurajo - I'm so sorry for your loss - it must have been devastating. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm constantly amazed at the wonderful women on Mumsnet. I'm so pleased that there is light at the end of the tunnel now - I wish you the very best.

Honoria - this would have been her third baby. Her youngest dd is 12 so a pretty big age gap. I wish all the very best for your friend - how many weeks is she now?