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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Nothing offered from late brothers estate

30 replies

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 11:35

My younger brother died a four months ago.
He had been divorced for years and lived alone (that was recent after a relationship breakdown).
His daughters (25/24) cleared his flat within two weeks. No one was offered anything.
He wasn't wealthy. He didn't wear jewellery or collect much. I would have liked jumper or a cup. I don't even know what they are doing with his ashes. I contacted his younger daughter and heard nothing back. His older daughter has always been difficult due to bio polar disorder. It would have been his birthday today and I am heartbroken. He lived with me and my family four times as an adult.
Posting here as my FB gets policed.

OP posts:

RedDoughnut · 08/08/2023 12:49

That's very sad

Could you maybe plant a tree or shrub in his memory?

caringcarer · 08/08/2023 12:55

I agree with PP it is sad and very poor that the younger DD did not get back to you, but they can't take away your memories, hold on to those tightly. Plant a shrub in your garden and call it X's plant.

pinguins · 08/08/2023 12:57

His older daughter has always been difficult due to bio polar disorder.
This ablist comment just lost you all sympathy from me.
The daughters are perfectly entitled to do whatever they want with their father's property. Sounds like they don't want to talk to you.

Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 13:16

@pinguins pkease don't insult me
My niece is not very nice to people. My mother was bi polar and I know what it means for everyone. I was the only person who invited her to my house for ten years. My other siblings, nieces and nephews have disowned her. I don't need your permission to state a fact.

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Mouthfulofquiz · 08/08/2023 13:20

Sorry for the loss of your brother. I would ignore the poster above who is possibly misconstruing your comment on purpose to be obtuse. You probably mean that her behaviour is difficult. I have family members with mental health issues and yes, their behaviour can make it very difficult to be around them. It’s a shame she can’t consider your feelings and give you a token item to remember him by.

Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 13:23

@Mouthfulofquiz thank you.

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Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/08/2023 13:28

@pinguins , why be so unkind?
@WendyWagon , I’m so sorry for your loss and for the way you’ve been treated by your nieces. I appreciate that you want something of your brother’s to keep to help you feel closer to him, I think the poster who suggested a plant in your garden to his memory offered a beautiful alternative, perhaps a flowering evergreen? X

Riapia · 08/08/2023 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 13:35

@Lovepeaceunderstanding I might get a fruit tree. He was a brilliant plantsman. Two allotments at one stage. He loved apples and pears. Perhaps I can get a pear with his name. I have my dad's apple trees to plant and he was his favourite (I accepted that years ago). I shall go hunting later. Thank you.

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Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 13:37

@Riapia i offered to pay for the whole service. I am not after money.
My brother lived with me for free many times. Don't jump to conclusions.

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Mellowautumnmists · 08/08/2023 13:45

@WendyWagon I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to deal with the death of a sibling, isn't it, even when you are not necessarily very close. That was certainly the case for me.

I agree with another poster's suggestion about planting a tree in memory of your brother. That will bring you comfort, I think.

I am concerned about your comment that your Facebook is policed? By your brother's family? Are there other issues at play here and if so are you able to handle them?

Gemstonebeach · 08/08/2023 13:46

I am very sorry for your loss. Sadly there may not have been much, I know this was true for my cousin when clearing my uncles flat, I think he left a lot behind when he left his last relationship.

flowertoday · 08/08/2023 13:51

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister last year and for complicated and very upsetting reasons I was not able to have any of her things to remember her from.
I have taken comfort in collecting some lovely photos though, and my other sibling and I did a (cancer) charity event in her memory which has raised money for others.
Planting a tree sounds lovely for your brother. I am finding the loss of my sibling very tough but I try to remember that no one can take the memories I have of her, or the fact of how special she was or how loved .

Sunnysummeragain · 08/08/2023 13:52

I understand you are hurting but so will his children who have lost their father at a relatively young age. This is probably, hopefully, their first major loss and they won’t have peers who have been through the same to guide them. Therefore they wouldn’t have thought to ask you if you wanted anything and it sounds like you didn’t ask them. Did you offer help with sorting things out? If your brother was living in a housing association property they may have had to empty it within 4 weeks so it’s makes practically sense to do then if they had taken bereavement leave from work and were able to do it together. Sorting out the practicalities soon doesn’t mean they are hurting less nor is it a competition.

Katrinawaves · 08/08/2023 13:53

I’m sorry for your loss. If you made your request after they had cleared his flat maybe they had nothing of his left to give you however. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said that he would have had many material possessions which anyone would ordinarily identify as keepsakes and I would have expected his daughter to hold back mugs or clothing when they cleared his flat.

I think you also need to bear in mind that your nieces have lost a parent and are also grieving. Maybe they haven’t decided when or where to scatter his ashes. Maybe they have already done this without telling you (particularly if you and they aren’t close) and now feel awkward about responding to your questions. When it comes down to it, they are the next of kin and get to make all these decisions and all you can do is ensure that lines of communication remain open - you don’t have the right to demand anything from them.

Jujubes5 · 08/08/2023 13:53

It’s not that you are after money but it can be that offspring are!! They want to get what they feel they deserve - so many fall outs between siblings happen over inheritance -they prob feel it’s they who deserve everything.
Planting a tree is great idea.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/08/2023 13:53

@WendyWagon , that sounds perfect. X

PTSDBarbiegirl · 08/08/2023 13:54

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like there is more to the issue. Can you go to the daughters house, or post a letter to explain how you feel. It's worrying that you say your FB is policed, by who? Also bipolar is different in every person, maybe others in the family have had it too. It all depends on how positively people engage with treatments. I know how much it devastates lives but if youve been equating a MH illness with 'always being difficult' in conversation the other family members could be upset about that. It's understandable you'd like something to keep, I hope you can get that.

Comedycook · 08/08/2023 13:56

You don't sound very close to your nieces...which is a shame. It's very sad you didn't get to keep anything. Did you ask outright..could I please have a piece of his clothing? I hope you have lots of photos at least

Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 13:56

@Mellowautumnmists i have a large angry family.
If anything is mentioned on Facebook re the family there's usually a verbal fight.
The boys in the family play nicely, two of the nieces don't. They both deny being the 'sh*t stirrer'. My sister and I are NC due to my DD being attacked and my sister siding with the attacker.
Tbh my lovely late brother was the peace maker. He was the baby but with the kindest head on his shoulders.

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Mellowautumnmists · 08/08/2023 13:59

@WendyWagon I'm so sorry to read this. Your brother sounds lovely though. Do something just for you so you can remember him as you wish. And leave everyone else to their own shenanigans. 💐

caffelattetogo · 08/08/2023 13:59

I know how you feel. We had the same with a relative's estate. Sounds really silly, but I couldn't cope with the squabbling that repeatedly asking for anything would have caused, so I gave up, but when they gave her clothes away to the charity shop, I went and bought some things that I think were hers. I couldn't be sure, so maybe it was just strangers' stuff, but I tell myself it was hers and that made it easier!

Spirallingdownwards · 08/08/2023 14:06

I agree with the PP who said at such a young age two young women who probably have never had to deal with a death before let alone the death of their father probably didn't even realise this was a thing.

Further added into that it sounds as though you don't even like you niece so again it may not have occurred to them you would want anything rather than doing it to spite you.

Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 14:07

My nieces were talking about having diamonds made of his ashes. I couldn't wear such an item.@caffelattetogo He wouldn't have had any fancy clothes for a charity shop (scuff bag with a building company). I did offer to help clear and I have my parents ashes at home. It's just like we have been airbrushed.

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Original poster

WendyWagon · 08/08/2023 14:16

@Spirallingdownwards I think it is the other way round. My niece doesn't like me.

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