Terrible bereavement but still no peace

[CoveredWindows]

My elderly dad was murdered at the end of last year. In his home.

i have had to deal with all the stuff like court myself. My (quite new) partner helped me with stuff like the funeral. I’ve had to keep working cos I’m a single parent and don’t get paid if I don’t.

I am having terrible nightmares and am scared a lot. But still my partner and grown up daughter expect me to listen to and solve their problems.

I am so very tired of it

Hi OP,

I'm so very sorry to hear this, how awful for you. Very shocking. Lots of virtual hugs for you.

Few things spring to mind.
Easier things first... Ask your FLO for a referral to Homicide Victim Support Services (HVSS), and tell them how you're feeling, they will arrange and signpost support for you. They are there to support you, so speak to them about what you're struggling with.
Also, speak to them about applying to the CICA for compensation for your father's murder.
It might mean that you can take some time out of work to focus on yourself a bit if money is an issue.

Secondly, It sounds like you're suffering from the trauma and bereavement, HVSS will sign post you to therapy, but let your GP, they will be able refer you to specific therapy too, and, if you need it, possibly a prescription (if you think it is appropriate).

The harder part, you need to tell your partner that it is a very traumatic time for you and you need to focus on your self and your own family. Sounds like you need to set a boundary there. As a single parent, you're trying to navigate grief and be a mother, that's tough. That you want to be there for them, but, that you're unable to consistently provide emotional support whilst you're working things out. I am more than sure they'll understand.
But I know that will be difficult.

X

Oh you poor thing. I would ask a GP for a counselling referral. I haven't been in your exact shoes, but counselling has helped me to cope with the mental load and helped me manage listening to other people's woes, and realise I have to let some things wash over me.

Thank you

I am fortunate in that I do have therapy, as I had a difficult childhood. I am a “coper” I think this leads people to tell me about their issues and sweep over mine.

I think because I’m kind of “the mum”, and the only one who drives, all responsibility falls on me. I’m a trooper (!) but fed up

Is your therapist helping you to work on your boundaries. Hopefully it's not someone that just listens to you. You need a therapist that can help you to work more actively on what is going on for you. That can give you a lot of support and strategies to deal with what you're going through. You may also be suffering from PTSD which requires specific types of therapy.

If they're not doing that you might need to find another therapist.

Btw I'm very sorry for your loss

Gosh that is terrible. I'm so sorry to hear about it. No wonder you are having nightmares.

It sounds as though you need a rest from looking after others, and be looked after yourself for a while.

Counselling is good but I think you also need just to be supported and surrounded by love and care, just borne up by others while you rest your mind, body and soul.

Do you know exactly what it is that you would feel you need / would like to change? Would you like more of a listening ear from your partner and DC, or would you like them to turn to someone else with their troubles for a while, or would you like them to keep you company more as a kind of reassuring presence?

I do hope you can find some good support.

Thank you @LilyLemonade

I do think it goes beyond counselling. I’m kind of the lynchpin, and that weighs heavily, no one wants to acknowledge me struggling,.

i have decided as a start to stop driving everyone everywhere. It’s tiring, and they can use other transport and take responsibility

That sounds like a good and practical move that should both shift the burden a bit and send out a subtle message about your own needs and limits.

All the best to you. Hope you will be able to recover restful sleep and some peace of mind as time goes on.

Thank you. I’m hoping that setting some boundaries will at least make me less frazzled

Hi op, you have my most sincere condolences. I cannot imagine what you’re going through.

you need time to process your own grief and feelings during the trial. Please work on your boundaries and explain to everyone that it’s a process you need to go through. Focus on you at the moment xx

I’m so sorry to hear this. Condolences on your loss.

I “cope” and keep going. But since been diagnosed with a progressive condition that affects my mobility (and pretty much everything else) I’ve had to be more strict putting in boundaries. A few friends and family didn’t like it, but it made the vast majority rethink how they were approaching me, and I now get support when I need it.

Appreciate the circumstances are very different and I don’t want to sound insensitive, just want to give you some encouragement to put yourself first sometimes. Take care

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, that's horrific!

How's your DD coping with the loss of her Grandad?

i think with your partner, it sounds like he was quite supportive. Does he drive?

You possibly need to just say to people 'sorry, I just don't have the bandwidth to take this in & make any sense if it right now.'

Thank you @OvertiredandConfused and I’m sorry for your troubles. But it’s helpful to hear someone else has had to be more strict!

@VinEtFromage my DP was brilliant about arranging stuff, but doesn’t drive. He’s quite a new DP, so he was thrown in at the deep end! But because I’m the driver/mother type I do bear the burden of transporting everyone, abd I think that what happened is so bad that people just can’t deal with it

My DD is quite difficult anyway.. she’s my(deceased) sister’s child, love with me since tiny, and her behaviour isn’t helpful. Long story

It sounds like you have really been through it i hope things get better for you