Friendship changed after bereavement

[Bookcasehappyplace]

I know there is a current thread on a similar problem but didn't want to hijack it. I am struggling to get to grips with whether the way I am feeling is justifiable or not really. I lost a very close relative 8 months ago in really awful circumstances. It has been a very, very hard time with not only the grief, but also many practical repercussions/tasks which have come as a result of the nature of the death. Most acquaintances and wider family have been great and although the messages/check-ins tailed off after a while, I do understand that they have their own lives which don't centre around my tragedy.

The reason why I am struggling with this particular friend is that she has been a dear, close friend for many years. She has been a kind and generous friend (as I have tried to be to her) and I love her dearly. She could be slightly possessive of me at times (ie i could sense a little spikyness if i mentioned meeting/enjoying the company of other friends but she never verbalised this). She was shocked and upset when the death initially happened but at the time it was more because she knew him well too ifyswim rather than upset for me. Since the bereavement, she has talked about my relative a small amount in the first few weeks and then nearly all conversations have been about her own news/life/job/family asking very little about me. On the few occasions I have mentioned something I am struggling with regarding the bereavement (and it has been few as I quickly realised she wasn't up for talking about it much) she has briefly sympathised and then the subject has reverted back to her. Just as an example, we have DC of the same age who she is close to and she hasn't once asked how they are coping.

I suppose what I am asking is, when is it ok to think that actually a friend has been really disappointing when its come to a bereavement rather than trying to put the behaviour down to other factors (I'm not aware of anything significant that would impact her reaction to a bereavement)?

I am so sorry about your loss.

When there are tragic circumstances too there is just so much to deal with, both practically and emotionally.

It is unbelievably painful to be let down by people close to you in your hour of need. I can only say that it is extremely common.

It's hard to know what to do. If you distance yourself from your friend then it is another loss for you. Some people say you should tell your friends what you need from them - but this implies making yourself (even more) vulnerable towards someone who already hasn't shown much empathy.

I honestly think most people have no clue how to broach the subject - unless they have been through it.

Do you think your friendship will survive this? Do you want it to?

Bereavement sorts the sheep from the goats. I lost my OH, and our very best friends, with whom we had been on family holidays many times, came to the funeral and then zilch. I just do not know what to make of it, but can only assume they do not know how to deal with me and my sadness - one of them is a vicar! I did make contact and was asked "Was there something in particular you wanted?" - ouch.

I am so sorry that you have lost a loved one in tragic circumstances, and that on top of this you are having to deal with the strange reactions of your friend. There really is no way of predicting how people will react - some people I hardly knew have been so sensitive and kind, but others who we knew well have, I feel, let me down.

Thank you for the replies. I do appreciate it and I'm sorry that it does appear to be a common problem.

@LilyLemonade Yes, the practical things (some of them very distressing) that have accompanied this bereavement means that even with the help of other family members I didn't have the same amount of free time to devote to friendships for a little while. I don't know how to feel about the future really- I miss the friendship as it was before, but now I find I sit there when we do meet and while on the outside I am commenting and supporting on all the things she has to tell me, on the inside I feel irritated and upset so things have changed anyway...

@Mischance I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and it sounds like you have also experienced a surprising and disappointing reaction from those you would not have expected it from- the comment you received when you contacted them must have been a real blow. I also had some very distant acquaintances who approached the situation much more sensitively than my close friend did which was also a surprise but a more positive one.

I suppose what I am asking is, when is it ok to think that actually a friend has been really disappointing when its come to a bereavement rather than trying to put the behaviour down to other factors

It's always ok if that's how you feel.

I think this is very common for friends to fall by the wayside following a major bereavement. I "lost" someone I thought was my best friend in this way.

There can be for different reasons and for different causes of those reasons. The most common I've seen are

the friend you thought of as a good friend wasn't really a good friend. In other words, it was a friendship that worked well when oiled by superficiality of work gossip, drinks out, coffee, trips to the cinema, gym whatever your thing is. When faced with something that interupts superficiality, the whole thing crumbs.

some people can't deal with grief in others for their own reasons and are avoidant. This can be anything from awkwardness due to not having experienced grief themselves to the other end of the scale, having severe bereavement trauma and not wanting to see it in others.

lack of empathy and emotional space to offer support to their friend. This can be because people are selfish or because they have their own issues or because they just don't care enough.

Bereavement shows you who your real friends are I think.