Working when experiencing anticipatory grief/close loved one has a terminal illness

[Whatonearthtodo23]

My dad has cancer, it’s not a new diagnosis and I feel so lucky he’s continued as long as he has. Since diagnosis I’ve had periods of deep sadness but other times been able to cope fine, I think because treatment has been helpful I didn’t feel impending doom.

It suddenly feels like things are declining, and I feel deeply deeply sad. Not helped by other current life stressors, but I feel like I’m drifting around, constantly thinking about my dad and what lies ahead. I haven’t yet had kids or married and I feel so sad that he probably won’t be here for those milestones. I feel like I’m experiencing anticipatory grief.

For the last few weeks I’ve found work really tough. I just have no energy or motivation for it. It’s a mix of WFH and out doing visits - I feel stressed and anxious before seeing people because I worry I don’t have the emotional capacity to support them, and then I’m at home, aside from virtual meetings I am not doing much work at all. I just can’t face it.

I’ve never had much time off and have always been a frustrated at myself for not taking time when I need it.

But - I’m fairly new in this job (under a year) so think I only get one month paid sick leave. So I’m worried about taking time off now - when I might need more later if dad becomes more unwell or his time comes. I’m NHS and need to go check my contract/work policies I guess. I also feel guilt around letting people down.

I just feel so guilty and like a failure for being unproductive. I know it’s my body telling me I need to rest but in real life it isn’t that simple.

Wondered what other people would do/have done in similar situations?

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was in a similar situation I asked my line manager for advice. It turns out that she went through similar, and she was happy to let me work flexibly. You are on a well-trodden path, so you may find that people are unexpectedly understanding. I don't work for the NHS though, so I can't comment on their policies. In all I think I took about 3 weeks off, my employer has a family leave allowance, maybe you do too?

I just want to add - in my experience anticipatory grief was the hardest part, once my Dad died I could get on with being sad and mourning, while he was dying I was doing that plus worrying about how and when it would happen, and how I would cope. That was definitely more stressful. Please take good care of yourself.

I spoke with my manager OP and they were very clear about what I could do if I needed time off and also let me lead it. I would agree that you are in the most difficult period right now, or I found it anyway. It was very stressful. One thing I would say is that it felt very important to me to hold onto routines as much as I could, I needed to know that life was carrying on outside of the situation as it kept me sane. I appreciate we will all cope differently though. Also I was careful who I confided in, I had a lot of people who were suddenly my best friend and wanted to know everything, whereas I tended to speak to those who I had been closer to beforehand and also with family as we were all in it together at that point.

I had to carry on working (own business) but the build up to Dad dying was horrendous, especially the last month. I was try to balance about 6 hours a day at his bedside in the hospice and 6 hours at work as well as walking 2 dogs, running the home and helping out with grandchildren/children. But the routine also helped keep my basic level of sanity, I think and I just was open with staff and clients that my Dad was terminally ill and I wasn't at my best. The anticipatory grief was awful, but the actual shock and grief when he passed away was 100 x stronger for me. I just couldn't stop shaking or crying.

I think what I'm clumsily saying is that yes while this part is awful, so is the other side