Coping with mums grief

[mademostlyofchocolate]

My dear dad died 2 weeks ago. Short illness but we still were not prepared even though he was elderly. As with lots of people of their generation my mum was so dependant on him. She is a very nervous person and has never in her life been on her own for more than a few hours.
So for now my sister and I are sharing the care, alternating between staying with her every night.
Today I left her for the first time for a few hours to call in at work. She messaged my sister to say she was having a meltdown after an hour and when my sister rang she just repeated melt melt melty melt melty for 5 mins. My sister lives an hour away so it was distressing for her.
Looking after mum and organising the funeral and her home has filled all our time, we haven't had time to begin to grieve but my mum doesn't recognise this at all.
I understand how horrible it must be for her, but a few of her actions( collapsing at church, talking in a baby voice some days, stuttering sometimes) are seeming to be a pastiche of what she thinks grief is.
I know it's early days for her, we are supporting her to stay in her own house for as long as we can, we are not pushing her to do anything she is not ready for.
It's just all really hard!
She has no friends, she says it's because she has always only had time for her family. I'm have offered when the time is right for her to come and live with me, ten minutes away.
I really don't want to let her down, I can't abandon her but she is totally dependant on me and it's a hard load to carry especially when she acts strangely. It makes me feel I'm not giving her enough love and attention but I don't know how to give more!
Has anybody else dealt with a parent like this?

Anyone? Or am I just being totally selfish?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think you are being selfish at all.

Could you organise bereavement counselling for her at all?

No, you're not being selfish, it is REALLY hard to support her and grieve yourself.

I remember my mum saying when my dad died that she had never lived on her own before. She was a very capable woman, had had a good career and had friends and activities of her own. But still it was very hard in the early days.

You say she goes to church - is she a regular attender? Do they have groups and activities - could you encourage/support her to join in a bit more?

It's small steps at this stage and I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad.

You are not being selfish OP. I lost my Dad recently and the grief is hard enough. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you if you Mum is struggling so much too. First question I feel I want to ask you is are you absolutely sure you have the resources, emotionally and practically, to take her in? It sounds to me like she needs high levels of support and it is ok to say if it's too much. It doesn't mean you love her any less. Take care and I hope you can find a way through.

Of course you’re not being selfish!

How old is your mum? Is she in good health? If so it’s perfectly acceptable, even now, to lay down some boundaries. If you keep rushing around after her and never letting her sit alone with her grief she will never process it. Sometimes it’s important to actually go through things. She needs to know you are there for her but you have your own lives (you and your sister). You don’t have to have her live with you - if she’s 10 mins away that’s closer than most parents!

Very sorry for your loss. 2 weeks is very early days for her, for all of you. The shock and grief of the sudden loss of her DH will take you all some time to process and to adjust to. How much time depends on the individual. In due course she could find bereavement counselling helpful if she needs more support than friends anx family can offer.
We found ongoing conversations around what we could do practically for our DM in terms of helping her manage her finances (she'd never done it before), and emotional support etc was difficult at first because we were all numb. But it do keep talking as you navigate the next few weeks/months.

How much did you see your mum prior to your Dad's death? It's just that a friend of mine had no does her mum was unwell with early dementia when her father suddenly died. They didn't see much of them due to distance and her father had kept it to himself. It came as a dreadful shock.
It sounds as if you live close by, so may be nothing similar, but I thought it was worth a mention.

Honestly, the first thing I’d do is get her a dr appointment. While grief is absolutely enough to upend someone’s world, I’m concerned there’s something more involved. Her going on with the ‘melty’ thing is completely over the top. I’d want an assessment done

No, you're not being selfish at all! I would definitely get a GP's appointment for her though! Grief is unbearably hard but some of these things sound a bit unusual.

If your mum is extremely dependent on you, it's wise to think very carefully before having her move in with you (as hard as that is) as it could consume every last fibre of who you are.

I lost my mum very suddenly and overnight assumed her role as carer for my dad. In the early days dad was inconsolable and I was wracked with guilt over 'not doing enough' even though I was doing everything. Dad is also part of a church and they rallied round brilliantly. I encouraged tiny steps of independence, for example leaving him a bit longer each time, taught him how to use different gadgets (he'd be lost without Alexa now) and as the initial shock and horror of our loss began to get a bit easier, his whole world changed. Remarkably, at nearly 80 years old he's getting married again. In those early days I could absolutely never have imagined this.

This is an awful, awful time for you all but with the right help and support, in time your mum might be able to cope better than you think.

I wouldn’t make promises for her to live with you - she could really upend your life.
I agree she should see a Dr.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
I'm maybe shying away from realising that she needs more help. I visited her and dad a lot before this but I think dad shielded me from her behaviour.
It's so hard balancing familial duty with caring for yourself.
It was always the plan that they would come and live with me together but I think things have shifted for me and I realise it's going to be such a commitment to have her live with me. I thought I could cope but I'm realising I maybe can't....

@mademostlyofchocolate it is totally fine to come to that conclusion.

Organise the GP and at the same time make sure you have support for yourself as well.

I would get the GP for her.

If she only lives 10 minutes down the road don’t make any rash decisions about her moving in.

How old is she?

I am sorry for your loss 💐

Yeah, agree re GP - she sounds like she’s having some sort of breakdown.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐 My Dad fell apart after my Mum died and I’ve now realized that, like your Dad, she had shielded me from his MH problems for years. He was hugely dependent on her, even though she was the physical ill one.

I agree with PP’s, get her to see her GP and perhaps ask for a referral to Adult Social Care. They can help assess whether your Mum can manage on her own and help with practical matters such as paperwork.

Take things slowly and be wary of the hysterical phone calls (I’ve had plenty of those). My Dad would say things, I’d get worried and try to act on them, and then he’d change his mind.

It's been two weeks. You are grieving, she's grieving. Stop overthinking anything, life is a mess for everyone and will be for a long term me.

My mum struggled when my dad died, ds moved in with her a couple of months after to help her have some routine. It meant that she had to be up to get him off to school & then plan meals for them both & ds was around in the evenings, which were the time she struggled the most. Having someone else to share planning meals with & not eating on her own helped, plus not being on her own at night.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t think that having your mum live with you is tenable, as you will need to work and socialize, etc. You would be trapped in a cycle that leaves you exhausted and resentful. I know your mum is grieving, but there is absolutely an element of control/manipulation with her behaviour. This is tough, but I genuinely think she needs a psychiatric assessment. Maybe her dependence on your dad might be symptomatic of other MH problems. I think it would be better for you and your mum if she was in a facility surrounded by people. It would be an adjustment, but she would be safe and get the attention she needs without smothering one single person.

I am truly sorry to hear about your difficult experiences. Losing a parent is an incredibly challenging and distressing time. I can relate to your situation, as I also faced a similar circumstance several years ago when my mother passed away, and I endeavored to keep my father in his home.

Initially, things seemed manageable during the first weeks, but my father's insecurity and paranoia, coupled with his early-stage dementia, made it increasingly difficult. As time went on, the strain of caring for him for nine long years took its toll on me. Unfortunately, the emotional and financial pressures associated with his care, which are often underestimated by others, ended up costing me my marriage. Additionally, my father's condition continued to decline.

In retrospect, I wish I had established firm boundaries right from the beginning. While I thought I was providing good care, I unknowingly set myself up for more significant challenges and a higher level of dependency in the long run. Looking back, I recognize the importance of balancing care responsibilities while also taking care of my own well-being. Caring for a loved one can be immensely demanding, and it's crucial to seek support and maintain one's mental health throughout the journey.

Also I’d recommend shes goes to her GP, go with her, and a social service assessment done too.
I wish you the very best of luck.