How to support my friend

2 replies

Greenberg2 · 13/07/2023 23:45

My friend has just lost her husband suddenly after a long and very happy marriage.

I would like to send her a personal message to show how much I care and I wondered if anyone who has been bereaved in a similar way could tell me if any words they were sent helped or anything that made it worse (e.g. do you mention much about the DH or just express your feelings to her) I love my friend and I don't want to cause her any further pain.

TIA.

OP posts:

Haysmiths · 14/07/2023 13:35

You sound like a really thoughtful and kind friend @Greenberg2 .

The first few days and months can be like a fog and numbness so please don't take it personally if she doesn't respond to you at first. However, your friend will appreciate you reaching out to her. Also a lot of people tend to 'forget' after the funeral - yet this is precisely the time when some bereaved people really would love to hear from the friends.

I suggest looking at How to support someone grieving - help & support | Sue Ryder which is a fantastic guide with suggestions of what you can do over the first few days/weeks/months/years. The website has some lovely suggestions for messages if you are at a loss for words.

Personally the things I found helpful were:-

Messages that said they were thinking of me but they didn't expect me to respond
Friends who left bags of shopping with essentials at my doorstep. Some even went to the trouble of preparing me homecooked meals
Offering to take me out for a walk (but stating that they would understand if I didn't feel up to it at the last minute)
People who are not afraid to mention my loved one's name. Say their name. Often. Share memories and keep doing it. It makes me sad that a lot of people are scared to mention my DSs name - thinking that they don't want to upset or remind me - but the truth of it is that you never forget and the pain is always there.

How can you support someone who is grieving?

Wanting to support someone after the death of a loved one but don't know how? Here's some things you can do for a bereaved person that may be helpful.

https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/supporting-someone-else/supporting-someone-grieving

Original poster

Greenberg2 · 14/07/2023 14:28

Thank you so much Haysmiths. This is incredibly helpful.

I sent her a message in the end and I'm glad from what you said that I did mention her DH. I also said I didn't expect a response, so thanks for confirming that that was the right approach. We don't live nearby so I can't drop off food but I will think of something practical that we could arrange.

I am so sorry about your son.

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