Support DH through our miscarriage

[OnNaturesCourse]

Keeping it short....i recently had a late miscarriage in the 2nd trimester. Hemorrhaged badly, DH watched me almost slip away in front of him (I passed out and fitted while pouring blood out with only him in the room)

Its been traumatic to say the least.

We are home now. Physically I am recovering. DH had thrown himself into being my nurse and maid while I was bedbound for a while. Now I am recovering his emotions are starting to bubble, almost like because he hasn't got me and my recovery to solely focus on and take his mind off our daughter and what he seen.

I'm look for how best to support him through this? All the miscarriage information I have read is pretty female focused.

He's not a talker, or big shower of emotions so it's hard to chip away at his hard outer shell to get to what's going on underneath. But he's struggling and it's getting more apparent each day, my heart is breaking watching him hurt but try to be strong.

My Advice is not to mention it you can't force him to reveal his emotions he'll do it once he's ready.

you poor things, that must be terrible for both of you. I would suggest that you both go to joint counseling to work through your grief as a couple, and see if that helps him open up a little. 💐 for your loss

Sorry for your loss. It's hard isn't it because they don't always want to offload on you and it can be traumatic for them to watch you suffer.

Tommy's offer support for dad's, and I believe SANDS are good with specific support for fathers - I think you'd fall into their remit as a 2nd trimester loss. They have 'get together and talk about it as well as 'get together but don't want to talk about it' options.

Does he have friends or family he can talk to?

He isn't a support group kind of person.

I tried that when he was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. He prefers to work through these things in the home with me or by himself.

I haven't pushed him to talk, but I have said in passing his emotions are going to come out one way or another. Today they came out when a driver cut him up and he got angry a bit then burst into tears when he got home and could hide away from everyone.

I'm just very worried for him. I hate to see him suffer through his own stubbornness not to talk.

Surprisingly I feel OK emotionally. I am a talker and have a better relationship with death (I have a belief of where souls go and that baby is united with other family members) It still hurts like hell but I'm getting some sort of comfort. I wish I could give him the same comfort.

I went through something very similar, second trimester too. DH watched me give birth to our son and then a whole team struggling to stabilise me and control the bleeding. They then sent him to a different hospital to wait for me, saying I would be transferred via ambulance. It took them a long time to get me stable enough for the transfer so DH had a very long wait not knowing what had happened to me. It was very traumatic for him on all accounts and I know he felt he had to hold himself together for me.

It took a long while before we could talk about it with each other, and even now when we talk about it now it’s really only to mention our angel boy, all the other events are never really discussed.

There are support groups specifically for dads of angels, maybe reaching out for support from those who have see things from the same perspective might be helpful for him. I did tell my DH about the support available and the groups but he didn’t feel he wanted it. He did talk to friends eventually and I think that helped, but for him I think he’s just pushed his feeling down and carried on, though that’s how he deals with most things.

We dealt with our loss in very different ways and for a little while it almost broke us. I was so angry he wasn’t grieving like I was, but of course he was grieving too, just in a different way to me.

I think all you can really do is just let him know what’s available to support wise for him that is separate of you, what support is available for you together as a couple and that you are there for him.

I am so sorry for your loss, sending love to you both 🤍

@Lillygolightly so sorry about the loss of your little boy. I like to think our angels are all together playing somewhere in the stars.

Your DH sounds similar to mine. Will talk when ready and needed but prefers to bottle things up (it's easier at first I guess) whereas I am a talker and like to work through things.

I have mentioned the support groups, and gently asked that he maybe speak with his mental health nurse about everything (we are struggling a bit financially with the funeral, and time off work) So I can only hope he does this.

I just want to take it all away from him and make it better.

In a way him struggling makes me feel worse because I feel like I have failed and upset him (stupid I know but hormones are not my friend just now)