Is my partner being supportive?

[JVJ]

My mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago. We were told she’d have 6 months but it’s all happened so quickly she’s now on end of life treatment with a few days to live. It’s been absolutely awful watching the cancer eat away at her and I’m really struggling. I have a 10 month old with my partner but I don’t feel like he’s supporting me like I need him to. He rarely hugs me. If I cry he usually just watches. I’ve broke down a couple of times and he just looks at me. Up until a few days ago he still picks at me for little things like housework or washing left in the machine or lack of me cooking as he feels like he’s picking up a lot of the household chores while I’m going through all this. Which again I’ve acknowledged and thanked him for but he’s not working and I am part time. As he’s not working he’s mainly been watching our little girl and acts as if that’s what he’s being doing to support me, I’m so confused (he does have a job lined up). I’ve talked to him a few times but he used to say ‘well I make dinner’ and ‘I’ve mopped today’ or ‘I don’t feel like anything’s good enough’ but now he’s just stopped communicating about it if I mention it. I was up until 2am last night crying. Today it seems likely she’ll pass through the night so I’ve been sat with her and it’s been so hard. Tonight I’ve come home I’m back in the spare room and he’s just went in his room to game, never came in to check in or say Goodnight or give me a hug or tell me he’s there for me or anything. Do you think maybe he’s just not bothered or maybe doesn’t love me? If he was going through this with his mum I’d be there supporting him, loving him, hugging him, holding him, being patient with him. I know I wouldn’t be able to do enough for him. Is it too much to ask that I want him to be overly loving toward me at this time? He did say he was giving me space but I specifically said I need the opposite I need all the love I can get but still nothing. All hugs and comfort tonight I’ve had to go to him and put myself in his arms. Do you think it’s worth one last conversation or should I just leave it? I’m worried if I leave it I’ll resent him and I don’t want to break our family up

Some people just aren’t very good at showing support. I’ve lost count of the times over 25 years that I’ve cried, looked up at DH and told him I shouldn’t have to ask to be held and comforted when I’m upset, but he was just never taught/shown how to do that by his emotionally stunted family. Maybe your DP doesn’t know what to do, or maybe he’s just an arse?
I’m sorry for what you are going through right now and that you aren’t getting the support you need. I hope you have other friends or family that are there for you at this awful time.

Yes family/upbringing could definitely be a big factor and we have touched on this a couple of times in the past. I may revisit this in conversation one last time. Maybe you’re right maybe he’s just a bit of an arse as well eh. He’s a fantastic father there’s no denying that but in terms of myself I think I’m probably answering my own questions around what I need/deserve and what I’m settling for. Yes I’ve got a very loving and supportive family thank you. It’s just sometimes you want your other half to be that support too. Thanks so much for your reply ❤️

Hmph he sounds like a knob. Your mum is dying and he's pissed at having to pick up some extra chores because you want to be with your mum, even if he was working a decent husband would pick up the slack willingly and not moan about the bloody mopping.
Really sorry to hear about your mum, that sounds really hard, and utterly shit. Be prepared to ditch the wanker husband once you're emotionally strong enough.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially when you have recently become a mum yourself.

Your partner seems to lack empathy, he may not be capable of empathy or perhaps he thinks it's impacting on him too much and he resents it. Sadly selfishness and lack of empathy rarely gets better.

We often don't find out the true nature of someone's character until you are in the most need. I had similar with Ex H, he didn't want his life to be disrupted in anyway, irrespective of what was happening in my life. My family and friends always assumed he was supportive so I actually felt more alone.

You could try talking to him but it appears to be a case of"won't" support not "can't" support.