Not going to funeral - anyone else?

[MadamPickle]

My stepdad very sadly died of cancer yesterday, time from diagnosis to passing was only a few weeks and I know my mother is in terrible shock. They live abroad and the funeral is in a couple of days (it's somewhere where they culturally do this part v quickly). My stepbrother has already gone out (so was with stepdad when he went).

The problem is that I have a chronic condition which causes terrible pain, I'm currently dealing with a reoccurrence of disease and TBH need more surgery. It's exacerbated by stress. I've been in agony all day.

I know the expectation is that I will go, but I honestly don't think I can handle the flight. I haven't visited them out there in years because I'm not really well enough to travel. I don't know what to do. I was looking at flights and trying to pick one today but in the end didn't do it.

Anyone else been in this position, and what did you do?

I missed a family member's funeral in Canada because it was simply too quick and I just couldn't get there in time.

I think your circumstances justify non-attendance but perhaps you could try and organise a trip to see your mum later without the pressure?

How many hours' flight is it?

How long is the flight? I think I’d just tolerate any physical pain to be there for my mum. Does she have any of her own family with her?

If you aren't well enough to go then you aren't well enough to go

People miss funerals for all kinds of reasons, I wouldn't put stress on yourself in your circumstances

If you are in chronic pain and physically cannot face the travel, then I am sure your Mum would understand, especially as your Brother is already there.

It's 3 hours flight time plus an hour in the car from the airport to their house. The pain is like a blowtorch up my backside and I get unpredictable and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhoea when it flares up.

Sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of others, in this case her widowed mum who is in a state of shock and bereavement. I’d move heaven and earth to be there to support her, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

During covid, funerals could be accessed by a live video link. It might be worth exploring whether this is something that can be arranged for you.

While it's not the same as being in the same room as your loved ones, you will have that shared experience of the funeral so can talk about it with your mum later.

Sounds like a form of IBD, I sympathise and have the same. I would go, I think you'll forever regret it if you don't.

Sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of others, in this case her widowed mum who is in a state of shock and bereavement

Do you think her mother would want OP there knowing how much pain she'd be in if she did travel?

I can't imagine my mother being happy that I would put myself in excruciating pain and would in fact be adament that I look after myself and I wouldnt expect a child of mine to do that but I do wonder if my family is very different to the ones I read about on here

It's not IBD. I have endometriosis in my bowel and need a bowel resection.

If it is IBD, it can be debilitating and only you know if you are capable of the journey.

Are there any other risks involved with going, or if you need medical care when abroad, would you get travel insurance. At times my niece needed hospitilised with each flare up of IBD until she had her stoma.

I wouldn’t tell my mum I was in that much pain, it’s all about her right now. I suppose we’re all different though.

If you think DM would be hurt and not understand why you would choose not to go, and you absolutely can't go (I have got IBD so do understand somewhat, symptoms sound similar, and definitely couldn't have travelled like that during flares) then I'm afraid I would lie, to save her feelings, and tell her that the Dr has said you cannot travel.

I'd think it would be a bad idea and they might actually tell you that anyway. Are you at danger of bowel perforation if your waiting for a resection? I wouldn't want to be that far from my medical team and hospital in your situation, definitely not another country. You'd probably struggle to get travel insurance too which you absolutely need in your situation.

Can a doctor give you industrial strength sedatives/tramadol/benzos/whatever you need to get through the journey?

My stepfather died 3 days after I had a c section. I would have loved to go to the funeral but a. Had just had surgery b. Baby didn't have a passport and was BF.
I didn't go. My mother understood. Lots of other people travelled out to support her.

I think if your brother is there you should just explain to your DM that you fit enough to fly. I'm sure she'll understand

I think I'd make the effort to support my Mum. She must be reeling from this.

I don’t think you should go. If you’re in a lot of pain, it is unlikely that you’re going to be able to support your mum. It may even be that she’d have to support you. Can you watch via video link?

I would suggest that instead you arrange a little memorial where you live, maybe in a month’s time or so? That way anyone who can’t get out there can also take part. Doesn’t need to be big, could just be at home with little speeches.

Thanks all, I have spoken to my mum who has said she understands why i can't travel. I've asked her to come and stay with us for a while afterwards so we can take care of her for a bit and she agreed straight away. It helps to know she won't be alone.

That's a perfect solution. Much more helpful. It's the weeks following funerals that are the most lonely for those involved.

Video link? As suggested by another poster, yes.

Another vote for a video link

OP if u r notbwell enough you cannot go. I would ignore those people who say suck.up the pain and go. Bet your mom.will appreciate quality time with you afterwards. Take care.

We had a live stream at my dad’s funeral recently so a few people who couldn’t travel long distances could still ‘be there’. It worked really well. Not sure if that would be acceptable in all cultures, but worth asking about perhaps?