Baby's second birthday

[Littlelighthouse]

Tomorrow is my son's second birthday. We lost him when I was 33 weeks pregnant. He was our first child, and we've since been very lucky and blessed to have a daughter who is 10 and a half month old now.
Today I just feel floored with sadness and anxiety. All day I have had a lump in my throat and have got a 'grief headache' that I haven't felt for a while. Myself and my daughter spent the morning at a local charity that supported us through the loss of our son and the pregnancy of our daughter. I wanted to be there as it means a lot to us, but it seems to have triggered me quite badly. There was a special event on today, which is why we were there, and as a result I didn't have much time to actually speak about my son or even remind staff it's his birthday tomorrow (I don't expect them to remember).
Since getting home the headache has just got worse and I just feel a heaviness inside me. I think I expected this year to feel slightly easier than his first birthday, but the trauma of his death has just come flooding back.
I don't really know the point of this post, I think I just needed somewhere to air my thoughts. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

Don't expect much of yourself tomorrow. I've never been through what you have, but I know in the early years following a bereavement I found the build up to the anniversary worse than the anniversary itself. It may be that today was your difficult day and tomorrow is a little kinder on you.

I’m so sorry OP, there are no rules for grief, you don’t need to feel better this year.

Would you like to talk to us about your darling DS?

Would that help at all?

Thank you both so much for your kind replies.
I think I just needed a space to write down what was going on in my head. Doing so actually made me cry, and I think it's what I've been needing to release all day. I think I've opened the floodgates now though.

@JenniferBarkley I think you're probably right. I know tomorrow we will keep ourselves busy and will try and make the day a happy one for our daughter, and I think knowing that is probably what's making today the harder day, like you say.

@Brightbear thank you for opening a space to talk about him. He was the most perfect little boy I've ever seen! I'm very lucky that my family and friends are all very open about him, and I've shared with DH how I'm feeling today. I think sometimes it's just difficult to articulate how you're feeling in words and it's easier writing it down.

Thank you both again xx

I wish you healing and love, you’ll always be his mummy, he will always love you.

I’m so glad you spoke with your DH.

I will hold your tiny baby in my thoughts tomorrow.

💐