Suicide

[MaterDei]

My best friend and cousin committed suicide yesterday. I cannot accept it. I genuinely don't think I ever will. My question is how do I accept this has happened?

It is a terrible illness that leads to suicide. Like cancer. So there isn’t necessarily a reason or anything that could have fixed it. Treatment can help but a symptom of the illness is an inability to seek treatment. It’s nobody’s fault. But it’s a horrendous way to lose someone and I’m sorry for your loss.

He had been hospitalised on numerous occasions. He was receiving professional help and had love and support from family and friends. In the end though it wasn't enough. It is hard to accept.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately you can't, but can I suggest you talk to someone about it (a professional), I think you will get huge benefit from it 💖

I plan to. Thank you. X

K

All you can do for now is get through one hour and day at a time and take time for yourself. Thinking of you and the rest of the family

I am so sorry for your loss.
We lost a good friend in 2018, just this weekend I had a little bit of a cry when he was mentioned but that is more unusual these days. The crying I mean, he is talked about a lot! You do become more able to do so with a smile at happier memories.
You will go through such a roller coaster of horrible emotions over the coming weeks, it is ok to feel all of the things you will feel, and they won't all be so overwhelming forever.

Suicide is absolutely horrendous for those left behind. I'm 52 and know of at least 10 people within my (wide) local circles who have done it. A parent of a child I knew when I was young, two friends brothers, two older kids of neighbours, four local high school kids over last decade and a member of staff at our school. With my two friends brothers it wasn't a shock as were bi polar but the rest were.
The last one was someone I knew historically had mental health struggles but not recent. Two weeks before it I'd asked if ok as she looked pained and not usual happy self. No one saw it coming.
Be gentle on yourself

Thank you for your kind words and support. I am so sorry for each of your losses. I had been feeling explosively angry and felt that the trauma and pain my loved one had been experiencing has now been transferred via his death to everyone who loved him. Anyway I have woken up completely numb today and I welcome this state. In the night it occurred to me that although we are traumatised by his death and the pain is unspeakable, it was not his intent to hurt us. In fact it would hurt him to know the depths of our pain that his suicide has caused. I'm going to keep thinking about that anyway. Sorry to ramble. Thanks once again. X

My understanding is that often the person really feels that the world would be better without them as well as just feeling they want it over due to whatever haunts them inside. So often there are stories of happiness the day before - as they are happy to go. The guilt at not seeing it coming, can be overwhelming but people often hide it so well. Go easy on yourself

My adult daughter took her own life last November. It was, and still is, shocking, and desperately sad. DH and our surviving children and I all grieve differently and sometimes that is hard to deal with. We have all said the wrong things to each other and we have screamed and shouted and we have tried to assign or assume blame for what she did, for not knowing how bad she felt, for wondering if it was our fault... And any of this is normal - so long as we can return to our shared loss, and try to reassure each other that it is not our "fault".
That is where SOBS has helped. Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide (uksobs.org) They have support groups etc which are run by people who have experienced loss by suicide themselves. Sometimes it can be better to talk to strangers than immediate family, though both is best.
It still doesn't feel real to me. Maybe one day.
I am very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, and just try to get through one day or one hour or ten minutes at a time.

Great post.

OP sorry for your loss. 🌺

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words, I know. Thanks for taking the time to reach out to me; I really appreciate it.

I'm finding it hard to talk to family, as we are all experiencing grief. I'm trying to support my family but it is so difficult given I am grieving myself. I think this is why I have turned to strangers on mumsnet. I will seek some support groups and therapy in time. Thanks for all the replies.

People will tell you to give it time, to not expect too much (of yourself or others) and I would agree. It is very early days for you to be trying to understand the huge, desperately sad change to your world. I would also say that any and all the emotions you feel are valid - the grief is obvious, but also anger; guilt; betrayal; frustration. Such a whirling kaleidoscope of feelings, which can change from minute to minute... but it is ok to feel all of the things you feel, and they won't be as overwhelming forever.
Eventually (and I'm not there yet) there will come a form of acceptance of this "new normal" but it will take time, maybe a long time. And why wouldn't it? I knew my daughter for 33 years, a few months is not enough for me to accept her loss.
I had some grief counselling - most places make you wait at least three months as it is not as effective earlier than that. I found it a mixture of useful and frustrating. If you can find someone who is experienced in dealing with the aftermath of a suicide rather than general grief counselling, then they will be more used to dealing with the wider range of emotions caused by that. And several times I have called the Samaritans who are there for anyone going through any sort of emotional crisis.
Be kind to yourself.

I've got so many questions and I know I'll never have answers. I'm really struggling with that. I keep talking to the sky. I keep praying. Yesterday I was sat in a pub garden and the song by P Diddy "ill be missing you"came on and at the same time some stranger walking by shouted my cousins name (obviously to someone he knew with the same name) but it really felt like a sign. I feel crushed by sadness.

As others have said try SOBS.
People suicide when their life hasn't worked out the way they wanted and they can't cope anymore with feeling so unhappy. It doesn't mean they don't love you and the family. It just means they are deeply unhappy. They hate every day can't feel joy overall. They got into a rut and can't get out of it. They want peace. Rest. Respite.

Sorry OP, I understand how you feel having been through this myself. Time will help. I would also suggest therapy and talking about this with people to help you process it. One thing you need to understand is that you probably won't ever get an answer that will satisfy you, but in time you may accept their decision and that they felt it was the right thing for them

I’m so sorry, losing someone so close to you is hard in any circumstance, but suicide is even harder to deal with as it comes with so many questions. I lost a very close friend to suicide 25 years ago, I felt guilty and questioned so many time what I could have done to prevent it from happening. It took me a long time to realise the answer to that question was nothing - it was his decision and there was nothing I could have said or done that would have changed that. I now look back at my friends death as his choice to move on to the next adventure, like a previous poster said, his way of writing his own ending. It’s hard though, counselling will help, sharing stories of his life with friends and loved ones will help too - please don’t let his choice at the end mar your memories of him, remember him with love, and take care of yourself as you work though this, you have a difficult journey ahead so please reach out here for support when you need it xx