1st Mothers Day without my mum - pretty upsetting, sorry....

[Paranoid1stTimer]

Just wanted to share some feelings about the upcoming Mothers Day and I think I just need to let the feelings out. My mum died in summer last year very very suddenly. I was going to phone her on the Wednesday night and on the Tuesday had a sudden urge to phone her. She sounded out of sorts but when I asked if she was feeling OK she was her usual self and just said "No, but your Dad is loaded with the cold! He's struggling away here". Just as well I didn't hold off until the Wednesday because out of the blue she had a brain stem stroke in the early hours of the morning and never came round. She died only days later. She was not old at all. My immediate family has kind of fallen apart since then and I am feeling very lost and alone. There was a feeling of us all pulling together when it happened but once everyone got back to the usual day to day stuff, I realised how close I was to my mum having not got on through my stroppy teenage years and only in the past few years had we kind of "bonded".

Anyway, since I am 37 weeks pregnant friends have been saying how I could have my baby before 2nd March and how nice would that be not to miss out on the 1st mothers day. All I can think is I really hope LO holds off until the due day about a week after as I don't think I can handle all these hormones as well as seeing all these cards which are just reminding me of how much I miss my mum. All I am getting just now are flashbacks to her lying in that hospital beds all tubes and "not there" anymore and of course seeing the body once she had died and it just wasn't my mum anymore and having to say goodbye and leave her there in the hospital - it felt like we were abandoning her in there and I just thought how awful just going to some strange hospital and having to just leave her there.

I just think all the hormones and the big Mothers Day posters and cards everywhere you go are really getting to me just now and I feel it is unfair to go on about it to people in RL cos it is really awkward for them - they usually say what they feel is the wrong thing anyway and I don't want to make them feel like that. People don't want to be faced with the thought that their Mum is going to die one day so it is very difficult to try and broach the subject of how I miss my mum without people recoiling and/or just not really understanding.

I also can't help feeling kind of "selfish" if I try and talk about this in RL - or maybe guilty for bringing the mood down u know?

Sorry for the huge ramble, it just all came out there when I started typing.

THanks for reading this and thanks also for any advice cos I know loads of you will be in the same boat or been through it already...

I am so sorry for your loss

It's very early days yet, and your first Mothering Sunday without your dear Mum will probably be horrible as are all the firsts

No advice sorry but lots of understanding. I found Mother's Day especially hard and still do, I always cry too. I think the 'first' of everything when you lose someone is the hardest but it does get less painful.

Good luck with your bump and lo, I understand why you want to hold on .

What about booking a meal out with your remaining family, I always make sure I phone my brothers on the day and they usually come up for lunch.

If you do struggle to deal with it all after your new baby arrives then contact Cruse bereavement care - they offer fantastic counselling.

I lost my mum 22 years ago-i was 11.
mothers days have never felt the same since.
A few years ago well about 9 years ago dh said to me you are a mum now mothers day is about children thanking their mum for being their mum and having a special day every year we know u are sad but this year the boys ds1 and ds2 want us to go out for a surprise meal -im telling you this cos i want you to know you are their mum and you deserve it,that kinda put a whole new light on mothers day and although i know any day is tough when youve recently lost your mum mothers day is especially hard,if i were you this year have special time for your thoughts on your mum and by next year the circle of life will have revolved and your pfb will take centre stage and YOU will be the mummy dont be sad on that day your mother will be smiling down at you and your baby enjoying your first mothers day xxxx

Sorry for your loss.

I know exactly how you feel. The first Mother's Day after my mum died really took me by surprise.

Even now, somehow it's more poignant than any of the other anniversaries because it was something special between her and me (even if when she was alive we did think the day was a bit of commercial exploitation!)

I haven't lost my mum but lost my dad in May last year shortly after discovering I was pregnant, he had an operation fairly routine but never regained consciousness, I was with with him when the machines were turned off, I spent most of my teenage years angry and resentful and not talking to my dad, he left my mum when I was eight. However we sort of bonded over the last eight years. I find it hard to remember anything but the wires and tubes and how he looked in the hospital.
I know for me and other people have said that the first anniversarys are the hardest, his birthday, fathers day & Christmas and knowing he would not get to meet his grandson. I am a great believer in the saying - Time is a great healer. You are not selfish and it will do you good to let your feelings out, your baby will come when he or she is ready, remember this new little miracle will be part of your mum too. You will have really sad days sometimes but you will have lots of happy ones too. LOL

I lost my mum 17 years ago 3 weeks before mothers day. I hated it for 15 years but now I have dc it has new significance.
I always by mum a bunch of tulips and put it next to her photo on mothers day. ( I have never been able to let the day just pass)
But we now have lots of new traditions with DC and I now look fwd to the dy again.
I understand how you must feel and also hope that your baby hangs on til after the day if that is what you want.
sorry for your loss
dosy

Thank you all for your messages. It really does mean a lot to hear what you have been through too.

I really like the idea of buying a bunch of flowers she liked - maybe I could do something like that and just put them in a vase at the window so I know what they mean and it would be a positive thing to do rather than wallow in sorrow and sadness.

I didn't realise until I read all your posts how I am not even attempting to look at trying to have happy thoughts about her as I am so far down the road of remembering her in the hospital and the burial and everything that you have all just reminded me to look at the happy memories too. I thinkg sometimes my brain just gets into a downward spiral and it takes something or someone to kinda break the cycle...

My mum thought Mothers Day was a waste of money too!! Strange how something so insignificant and routine is now a lot more meaningful, as you say.

Thanks again - thanks for the understanding... It really means something...