Pre-grief

[Solloe]

My counsellor has suggested to me that I am pre-grieving. My mum is very unwell, my husband has just left and I've probably lost my chance to be a mother myself due to health issues. These things all cropped up within a month.

I am trying so very hard to be fine and to cater to everyone else's needs. But I'm terrified about how I'll cope when mum is no longer around. She's incredibly important to me. I have a lovely group of friends, but they won't be around to feed me or pick me back up when I'm on the floor crying with grief. Or pay my bills if I can't work for a spell. They have their own lives.

I think I'm slightly in denial about everything whilst also being strangely matter of fact and practical. It's helping me day to day but I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to explode. I'm wired. I'm also very happy with my new life and freedom since my ex left in many, many ways. But the loss is enormous, and I'm blocking it out to function. I'm keeping busy so I don't have time to think.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Are my feelings going to catch up with me? I'm having counselling and I'm generally pretty self aware. What do you do if it's just you and you have to get on with it when the person you love most has passed away?

To anyone who is reading this who has already had their loved one pass away, please know that I am not comparing the situations. I just need a hand hold right now.

Thanks in advance.

I totally understand. I’ve been suffering what a counsellor termed ‘anticipatory grief’ for many years. DH has a life limiting condition and so has been ill for a lot of our marriage, he now also has stage 4 cancer. So, it turns out all my anticipatory grief was a waste of worry, as it isn’t his life limiting condition that will kill him after all.

The absolute panic I feel about what will happen, and how DC and I will survive when he dies, is unbearable, especially as I also have chronic health conditions, so I mostly pretend it isn’t happening.

I don’t have good friends to support me. It’s amazing how some people drift off when loved ones are ill. I know it’s because they feel awkward and don’t know what to say, but it hurts. I will basically be alone when DH dies.

I totally understand the ‘waiting for a bomb to explode’ feeling.

What do you do if it's just you and you have to get on with it when the person you love most has passed away? I’m not sure, I think it will just be a case of putting one foot in front of the other.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I have no answers about the bills, I know from MN and the recent threads re COL that there isn’t always financial support but I hope your friends do come around and sit on the floor and hold you when you are on the floor crying. I hope they bring food and comfort you and help you relive the happy memories to help you smile through your tears.

Yes I totally get it, I’m so sorry so much has happen in just a month! My dad had a brain injury 10 years ago so I lost him then, his body survived and he breathed but that was it, no memories, no decision making ability, then no speech or movement. It was hard, not wanting the end to come but wanting an end to the suffering. People didn’t understand I was grieving whilst he was ‘living’. He died a few months ago and my grief was different to how I thought it would be. My advice would be if she is well enough get a recording of her voice and a video of her.