Funeral in a week

[thegreylady]

I choke back the grief and smile and say I’m fine but I miss him so much I am filled with guilt. A couple of nights before he died he kept trying to get out of bed and talking continuously. It was my third night without sleep and he wouldn’t stop. He was a wonderful husband. That night I begged him to let me sleep for just 30 minutes and he promised he would but he always started again.
He was in a hospital bed at home and I bought a single bed so he wouldn’t be alone. I threatened to move into another room but that scared him so I promised I would never do that. He told me he loved me and I shouted that if he really loved me he would let me sleep. Such a horrible bitch to frighten and distress my best friend my darling man. In the morning I said I was sorry and so did he. I kissed him and all was well that night his son came and slept in the little bed and also had a disturbed night. While I tried to sleep.
There were no more attempts to get up, no more incessant talking just rasping breathing, half open eyes that didn’t see, no respons to anything. He died 3 days after that dreadful night and I will never forgive myself.

So sorry for your loss. I am sure your husband knew how much you loved him. You have obviously been through such a difficult time. Please don't beat yourself up like this . Have you got any RL support ?

My heart truly goes out to you @thegreylady . Your darling husband would never want you to punish yourself like this. You and he were locked into a heartbreaking time and many of us have been there. You were distraught, exhausted, fearful and in the depths of grief at what was happening. Who amongst us who have lost a loved one doesn't regret something done or said. Who wouldn't do something different if they could go back. We forget the many days of support and deep love given and hone in on the one regret. Your DH would be devastated to think of you punishing yourself like this. I wish I knew how to comfort you. Please know that although only a stranger on the web I and many others empathise with you and understand. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. 💐🙏💐

Thank you. I do have real life support, a lovely daughter, kind and caring as is her older brother. I have a close friend who helped when I cried in a shop because of a message on a mug! But sometimes you can only tell everything to a stranger on the internet.
I wish the funeral was over.

I am so very sorry you lost your husband.

Please don't hurt yourself like this. You know if he was alive you wouldn't give that Knight a second thought.

I think I'm right in saying that you were very kind one Christmas years ago. You sent my sister something lovely in the secret Santa here, back in the good old days. You are clearly a lovely woman and your husband knew that. He wouldn't want to think that you were upset now.

💐💐💐

You were exhausted, beyond exhausted and scared. I remember doing similar when I was in that position with my beloved DH when he was close to the end. No one who has walked a similar path will judge you and he knew it was fear and exhaustion talking that night.

Wishing you peace and strength