Loss of DD (baby loss) - DH refuses to talk about her

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I lost our DD as a baby three years ago. It was traumatic, and completely unexpected. One minute she was fine, the next gone. Over the years I have had a variety of therapy to try to process the loss, including counselling and CBT for anxiety. DH has had none and won’t entertain the idea of having some. In his words, he has locked away the feelings and doesn’t want to go there.

We have two other children, one of whom was born 6 weeks ago. Since the birth the grief and pain of losing DD has come back to me very intensely. I am in bed early but have been crying myself to sleep most nights, it’s as if I am right back there in the immediate days after we lost her. My HV referred me to the perinatal MH team and I had an assessment with a lovely lady last week. She had actually been through similar and was very understanding and relatable. She’s referred me for some support.

However one thing she said is playing on my mind and it’s how we keep DDs memory alive going forward and in particular how we make her siblings aware of her. Keeping her a part of our lives and making sure her siblings know who she was, is so important to me. My worst fear is that she’s forgotten. But I don’t know how to keep her with us on some level when DH won’t even say her name, let alone talk about her. I’ve tried to talk to him about this and talked about some things I would like to do, maybe a picture up somewhere or her hands and feet imprints on the wall, a plant in the garden…anything really. He says he can’t as it’s too painful. As a result I don’t talk about her or even mention her to him.

I don’t know how to navigate this. I need to include her in some way in our lives going forward, I need to be able to talk about her if I want to. I need to be able to at least say her name. But he can’t go there. I’m worried our other children won’t know she even existed because we won’t be able to mention her. I know he finds talking about it all too painful so I don’t know how to reach a common ground here but I fear this could turn into a deal breaker for us down the road.

Anyone have any advice?

I don't have anything useful to add but I wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss

Even if he doesn't want to talk, it doesn't mean he doesn't remember of course.
If I were you, I'd quietly do the things you want to, without making it an issue.
You might find it helps to unlock how he is feeling.
I'm sorry about your little girl, and you're right that people should say her name and recognise that she is your first-born.

I think @vipersnest1 advice is good and worth trying. it is difficult when you both have very different coping styles. There is a Clinical Psychologist who runs monthly online baby loss groups which you might find helpful and good for advice. She has experienced loss herself so comes at it from liver experience as well as being a therapist. I can give you details if you think it’s something you might be interested in.

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss.

I can see that it is painful for him to be reminded but it is equally painful for you not to do things in remembrance. Do you think he would be able to start small, eg you have one photo of her up?

I'm so sorry to hear this and so glad you are getting help.
I think that you might have to think that he's not in the same place as you at the moment, but might get there someday.

In the meantime you can talk to your other children about her when he's not around.
And you could create a special place in the garden to remember her yourself without it being obvious what it is. Eg if she loved a particular blue jumper, you could grow blue flowers and have a bench by it to make a place that you can sit with your children to talk about her life.

It's not the same at all, but we did this when my grandmother died and I found it really helpful.

Also I would just put up a small picture of her on your bedside table.
He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

If it's of any comfort, I lost my darling boy late into pregnancy nearly 26 years ago and he's still very much part of our family. We have a photo of him in the living room with all the other family photos, and we remember the anniversary of his death. Our other DC know all about their brother, and it's as if he's always been part of us. When our eldest DD had her 1st baby, she used our baby's name as her baby's middle name which was lovely.

DH has never talked about it, it's as if it never happened but that's just his way of dealing with loss. I've always been open, and my son's memory is very much alive as a result. I'm so very sorry for your loss but never worry about your memories leaving you - they don't

@Bluebells1970, those are very wise words and I'm sorry for your loss too.

I'm so sorry for your loss and it makes total sense that the recent birth of your baby would bring all your grief to the surface.

Even if it's too much for your DH to talk about, there's lots of ways you can incorporate her memory into your lives now. You could have a memory bear made with some of her clothes and blankets and give it to the little ones to remind them of their sister. You could plant a rose bush in the garden to do the same. If you have lots of photos of her you could also make a photo book for them to look through and keep.
Also on Etsy, you can commission people to draw your immediate family tree in a cute picture - doesn't cost much. We did one for some kids in our family after their mum died. It's framed and on one of their dressers and is a reminder 'this person was here and was so loved'.

I think once your children are old enough to understand, without scaring them you can just make them gradually aware they had a sister. It'll then be something they just always knew and which might prompt questions as they grow up.

Obviously it might bring up some big questions about death but if you're ready to answer those questions, you'll be able to have some lovely, important conversations.

Hello all and thank you for your replies and kind words. Apologies for not responding for ages, it’s been a hectic couple of days with the kids and today is not an easy day for DH so I’ve been trying to help him get through.

Today actually sparked some conversation from DH about DD, as he has really struggled with her not being here today. We had a cry together and he did explain how hard he was finding the things currently.

I like a lot of the ideas some of you have suggested and I think that even if DH can’t manage it, I will make a point of explaining to our other DC about DD as they grow up. @fumigation i especially like some of your ideas. I’m going to broach the subject of having something in the house that relates to DD with DH again soon, I’m thinking we can put her hand and footprints up because we have all three DCs and have never put them anywhere. I think doing all of them together might make it easier for him.

@Birdsongsinging i would be interested in that online group if you can give me the details. Thanks

So sorry for your loss OP. My middle baby was stillborn, I always talked about her and now that my kids are 6 and 9 they mention her naturally when discussing random day to day things like who’s the oldest, wether she would be annoying or not etc, it naturally keeps her memory alive and although they no it’s a sad thing, they don’t talk about it as a sad thing, it’s just a fact of our family that they have a sister in the stars. We bought a book when they were small that was personalised with her name called ‘the story of’ and it explained it really well to them, and was done like a children’s book, and honestly I still read it to myself sometimes even though they are too old for it now. She won’t be forgotten OP 💐

No advice but just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family peace xx

I'm so sorry for your loss @Shefliesonherownwings and sorry too that your husband can't talk about it. As a memorial I do think that a tree is always lovely. But perhaps more importantly your DH needs to find a way to open up about it, perhaps to a trained professional. Thinking of you and your family.

I am.sorry for your loss op. It is unbearably hard.

DS2 was born and died a little over 26 years ago now. He was with us for a few hours at 27 weeks and we knew the chances of him surviving were miniscule.

Like your dh, mine did not and does not talk about it. As far as he is concerned, it happened, we dealt with it, dd arrived 51 weeks later. But DS1 was 2.5 and somewhere in the recesses is a memory. He knew/knows he had a little brother who didn't come home, dd knows she would have had two big brothers. DH has softened over time.

What really helped was having a funeral and a permanent memorial. I still visit at Christmas and on his birthday. His big brother is mentioned on it, as are we. He would have been my quieter, darker haired boy, more sensitive than his big brother, finer boned and gentler.

It worries me that you have found a counsellor/therapist who has empathised by sharing their experience. That is not good. It is unprofessional and crosses a boundary. Please change.

It was a passage that led to dh and I having a greater understanding of each other. How we each deal in a crisis - differently - but neither badly. Just at the worst times, it is hard in the time to understand each other as the other needs but in time it deepens the bond.

Eventually my love the pain eases and you grow together and for each other.

With love.

PS: sometimes I look at dd, grown up now, and my heart still misses a beat. Whilst every ounce of me would bring back ds2, not an ounce would not have dd. It's the bittersweet of it.

@TeaKitten i love the idea of the book you got, do you recall where you got it from? I think something like that would be really helpful to explain to the kids about their sister.

Also @RosesAndHellebores thank you for your thoughts. We do have a memorial with DDs name which I visit a bit and would like to take the other children too when they’re old enough. We have DDs ashes at home.

I feel the similar about my new baby. I love him dearly but had DD lived we may not have had him as we talked about only having two. It’s very bittersweet. Also rest assured, the lady who came out to see me was a member of the perinatal MH team and she came to do an assessment. As part of our chat she shared a bit of her story but she’s not my therapist or counsellor, she just did the assessment.

https://www.lossbooks.com/product/personalised-baby-loss-books/the-story-of-baby-girl-fair-skin/

if you scroll down you can click on the pages and read the book too. And you can select different skin type/sex. Sorry im no good at doing the neat mumsnet links!

https://www.lossbooks.com/product/personalised-child-loss-books/the-story-of-boy-brown-hair/

Child loss version incase that’s more appropriate

Thank you so much @TeaKitten that book looks lovely and just right xx