Mum Died I Can't Grieve

[IWontEverGetOverIt]

My mum died 3 years ago. It was cancer. I've never grieved over it. How can I grieve? Ive chucked it to the back of my mind and its sitting there in the dark. I don't think I want to grieve because it will be painful and I've already gone through extremely painful things in my life.

Has anyone had any experience contacting Macmillan or similar?

Hi, I’m sorry for your loss. No wise words but I’m in sort of the same position. I lost my lovely dad to lung cancer and a few months later my beautiful mum to bowel cancer. With covid I feel like I haven’t had a proper chance to grieve. I miss them everyday. I went through the anger stage but now feel in limbo. I have just asked to be referred to grief counselling. Sending you a hug.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's very difficult to lose someone who had such a special place in your life. Sometimes we get cold because we're not ready to grieve as we've been through a lot already.

I was a bit confused as well. Am I supposed to? Not supposed to? How to start?

In a way, I realised that at times I feel incomplete by trying to suppress my loss. Rembembering some lovely memories is perhaps a reminder of such a lovely person in your life, and then it's only natural to feel sad over it. Unsure if that makes sense bur after a while I feel like trying to be strong is sufficating me. It's very normal to feel sadness, loneliness and loss long after they have passed on.

I lost my dad over 4 years ago & I still haven't cried. I thought the funeral would start the grieving process, but I just felt numb & still do. I was very much a Daddy's girl, I miss him desperately, but I feel like I have this weight of grief that I carry round with me & I can't begin to break it down.

Thank for your replies. I feel like I'm being suffocated with my feelings. I have had therapy but mainly for other things that have happened in my life. I might look into a grief counselling service. I've tried having time to myself, tried keeping busy, I've done things for cancer charities, I've got away on holiday, I've kept friends close, I've tried exercising or meditating. But nothing I do seems to shift this feeling that I can't grieve and the darkness in the back of my head.

I had similar with someone close I loved very much. They have been gone for many years and I'm still a bit stuck.

I also lost one of my parents in the last couple of years and although that's sore it's nowhere near as complicated, I think the reason was the shared grief. I have a family that shared my sorrow and remembered happy times.

What I find helps, if it's of any use, is talking about my deceased loved one with others who loved them. Remembering them this way. This brings the most comfort.

I still struggle to see their things but this is getting easier. I'd encourage you to have things around that spark good memories of something.

It took a good few years to have photos of them displayed.

The waves of grief will still come, they still knock you over. What happens is as time progresses they come less frequently, then they become slightly smaller. I don't think they ever go but become bearable.

I am sorry you are going through this.

When my Mum died, I couldn’t cry. I thought I would get to the funeral and it would all come then, but it didn’t. I tried counselling, drinking, journaling, going to desolate places to try to trigger some of what I was feeling - because I was definitely aware of my loss and intensely sad. I eventually came to an analogy that my feelings were like a bottle of fizzy drink where the cap came off very, very slowly to let my tears out, and that’s still going on over a decade later.

If you go for grief counselling, be prepared that it probably won’t just focus on your Mum’s death and will likely look at the other things that have happened to you that may be blocking your grief. Very kindly, what do you think that grieving is, and where do you think you are going wrong - because there is no right or wrong.

I hope you can work things through