My dad died last night

[Azandme]

He had vascular dementia and Alzheimers so it wasn't unexpected, and honestly, it was the best thing for him.

But...

His wife was with him when he died at 1am - he was in a care home so she knew it was coming but she didn't contact me or my brother until this morning. We didn't get the option to say goodbye.

I don't know how to feel. Relief in a way. Very sad obviously. But I'm incredibly angry too. My dad wasn't overly involved but her arrival 30 years ago reduced that further. And now this.

DP is away in India and can't come back until the 15th (work visa start date). DD11 is at her dad's. My brother lives away but we've spoken a lot. It's my best friend's wedding anniversary and she's away, so I'm home alone.

I just don't know what to do with myself. So I'm just sitting. In my dressing gown.

Not even sure why I'm posting.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Maybe she didn't want to disturb you overnight and the carehome could have called you. I am in a similar situation and have given the carehome my number and instructions to ring me anytime as I know my sister won't. Take care of yourself.

I am sorry your dad has died, I'm sure there are lots of emotions you are feeling all at once, give yourself lots of time and space to feel them.

Had you seen your dad recently?

A couple of weeks ago. I'm a single parent, and his wife asked me to not let DD see him like this, so that limited me to every other weekend.Since Covid his wife has been very concerned about him catching anything, so asked us to not go if unwell/possibly unwell, which is fair enough - but with a primary school child and working in education colds are a part of regular life for us, and added to the every other weekend, it's been very difficult to see him as much as I would have liked.

The home was previously given instructions to call my brother and they have my number too - but as his wife I suppose she could change that/tell them not to. Either way, they didn't call.

Sorry for your loss. Can you arrange to meet your dad's wife today, maybe for a coffee. It might be beneficial to support each other just now. And surely there are things to discuss anyway

That does sound difficult, did anyone offer help with video calls or would that have not helped.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost both parents recently in similar circumstances. I decided I didn't want to be there at the end after someone told me it can be very distressing and not the way you'd want to remember them. There's no right or wrong of course, some people want to see the last breath, but for me I felt it was enough to say goodbye each evening as I left the hospital in case they died in the night. I don't think I'd want my DC to see me actually die. I think you're feeling all sorts of complicated and natural things and in time you'll be at peace with how it went. He will live on through all the things he taught you and all the things you remember.

So sorry, losing a parent is really hard💐

Thank you. He didn't have any awareness so they wouldn't have helped.

When I spoke to her this morning I said I'd like to see her, and asked her to let me know when she's ready. I know he's my dad, but I'm aware that she's just lost her husband and will be in shock, so it needs to her choice when she sees people.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was there when my mum passed, and it was very peaceful. She had lost consciousness but we got to say goodbye.

There is no right or wrong way, people have to do what works for them.

I think the thing that is bothering me is that we weren't given the option to be there. We weren't even told he was declining - he was stable last time I saw him - if I'd have known he was deteriorating I'd have arranged childcare and gone to see him to say goodbye.

We weren't told anything until after he died.