Dad died what to do for mum

[OodlesPoodle]

Hello, my dad died very suddenly of a heart attack recently. He was in his 60s, very healthy and fit so it was a huge shock to my mum and I. He and my mum live in my birth country a 10 hr flight away, I've lived in the UK for 17 years. So I flew back home as soon as I heard and have spent the last month helping my mum back home.

I now need to fly back to the UK and am struggling with how best to look after my mum. I'm 38, and live in a small 1 bed in London where I also work. My long term relationship ended after my dad's passing as it turns out my ex was unsupportive and uncaring, and we had other issues the bereavement magnified. So on top of the grief from my dad's death, I also have the loss of a partner and a grief that my chance to have children is reducing drastically. Not a great head space or life situation.

Mum and Dad were together for 40 years and joint at the hip, each others only friends. Mum has no other family, and lived a very isolated life for many decades with only my dad for company. Dad has family around but they never treated my mum very well so she's estranged from them. She has enough money to live comfortably in our home country but it doesn't amount to much in the UK.

She has been asking about coming to live with me in London and atm i don't know how it could work. She'd have to stay in my living room and as I wfh a few days a week, it will get cosy. Will also mean zero privacy, and as I've lived away from parents for almost 20 years, it will be a shock. Visa rules mean mum can't work here though she's able and willing, so couldn't support herself. I make a decent living and could financially support her but only if she lived with me - rentals in London are too expensive. And I can't afford to buy a 2 bed in London. I don't drive and neither does mum so moving out of London would be hard. I plan to learn but my job is in west London and anywhere I could afford outside London would be East or South so helluva commute. Quitting my job to move elsewhere isn't an option as I recently started and really like it.

My mum could stay back home as it's a big house in a big city with all amenities. I just worry as she has no friends or family and isn't even close to the neighbours. She's very smart and capable but there's a mandatory retirement age there so she can't work anymore - which would give her focus. And of course I feel guilty with her grieving alone and worrying if anything happened to her, how would I know. Also feeling a shit daughter that I can't just have her live with me easily. I know she really wants to be with me as well.

Does anyone have any advice on how they supported their surviving parent? Or what you would do in my place?

I’m sorry you’ve lost your dad x

It’s hard to watch others’ grief and feel helpless. And at the same time you have a lot of grief in your own plate.

Your mum is an adult and will find her way through.

You’re only human and can only do so much to be with her as she grieves.

You also have a responsibility to yourself to be with your own grief, to give yourself time to feel it, metabolise it.

Could there be an element of you focusing on helping your mum as a way to avoid your own grief?

All the best

You carry on with your own life, and your mum carries on with hers. She is not your responsibility and you don't need to "look after" her. She made the choice not to cultivate friendships - that's not your fault.

Does anyone have any advice on how they supported their surviving parent? Or what you would do in my place?

I wouldn't do anything. Not now. It is too soon since you lost your Dad and your Mum lost her husband. Neither of you have any real idea how she might go on to cope.

Wait, waitch, care from a distance. See how she does.

Thank you for your kind words. I was very close to my dad, and you are right that I haven't had much space to feel my own grief as my mum has always been more emotionally expressive than me. Which of course I understand as they were very close. But l struggle to understand how to manage her feelings with mine - atm it just feels like a lot of responsibility and decisions i feel unprepared for.

Could you have her come for a (limited) visit so she can see it would not be suitable for her to live with you? Since she cannot work in her country, could she do some sort of volunteer position? That would get her out of the house and widen her social circle.

I think you need to encourage your mum to make new friends and find new activities. Maybe get involved in some volunteer work to give her purpose. It really doesn't sound an option for her to come to live in uk as she would have no income or to live with you as it would take over your life and presumably you want to date and have a private life

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, and give you very best wishes for navigating all of this. My Dad died suddenly in his 60s too, also leaving my heartbroken mum (they'd been together since they were 14!) I live in my hometown, and honestly, being so close to Mum has really helped us both. I can't imagine how tough it must be for you both at such distance. We received a really good piece of advice though: don't make any big decisions for AT LEAST a year. Everyone grieves differently, but I would say that's solid advice! Personally it took me a good 2 years to get back on an even keel. My lovely mum considered a million possibilities in those first 2 years ("I'll sell! I'll emigrate! I'll renovate! I'll buy a houseboat! I'll move in with you! Cruise the world! Move to the middle of nowhere!" Etc etc etc!) We're now 3 years on, and she's left the family home and lives, alone, somewhere we could never have anticipated! But she's found a level of peace I thought she'd never manage.

Could your mum come temporarily? Could you work remotely, from your home country for a few months? I think it's important to find a balance between being there for each other, and not making huge, rash decisions. I love that you want to be close to your mum, but try to make sure you have time and space for yourself too.

I wish you all the very best ❤

I'm sorry for the loss of your Ddad, but I would think carefully about any plans to move her in with you. She may well expect a stifling relationship with you to replace your Ddad. You can be supportive from a distance for now, but unless you want your DM to cling to you, possibly to the detriment of your social life and friendships, I'd tread carefully.

I'm so sorry for your loss. As much as you want to support your mum, her living with you isn't a feasible long term option. If she has no income and no ability to work she's dependent on you for the rest of her life which would be a huge burden on you, especially as you're both relatively young. A far better long term plan seems to me to be to encourage her to broaden her horizons where she is currently living - maybe join some interest groups or start a course, volunteering etc. She needs something different to focus on.

As much as you love her, it's not your job to make her okay. This is a difficult situation for both of you but don't rush into making plans when you're both in the thick of grieving. Get some space and clarity first.

Volunteering would definitely be a great idea. I have tried for years to get her to do this and come out of isolation but it never worked before. I'll have to try again as I just can't see how she'll be ok without any company. My dad, when he was alive, also encouraged her to maintain friendships and meet the neighbours but she always said he and I were enough. I guess with him gone she will have no choice. I'll make a list of places that will suit her. Thank you.

You don’t need to look after your mum’s feelings - ever.

If you’ve grown up with a pattern of your mum taking up more emotional space than you it’s very understandable that that pattern will be amplified while you both grieve. You can be there for your mum (eg listen to how she’s getting on on the phone for a limited time that still leaves you energy for yourself) without needing to fix or solve or ease anything for her. It will hold up her grief process if you do.

Let yourself rest and grieve - the answers about how to move forward will become apparent as you process things.

Hi there,

Firstly, I wanted to say that I really feel for you and the loss of your father coupled with the loss of your relationship. While your mother is going into the next stage of her life without a partner, you have to do the same with the added difficulty of the loss of your father.

It's a really complex situation - however if I were in your shoes the reality is that having her move into your apartment will only result in you acquiring another child ... one who will be looking to you to take care of her emotionally in the way that your dad used to. This is okay in the short term, but you will likely be saddling yourself with an ongoing obligation depending on how she goes with the transition into the UK.

I would probably see whether there is a support group near where she is at which would provide her with the ability to meet like minded people in similar circumstances and build her own support network. I am not sure if this is practical but it would be my first port of call.

I agree. Sorry for your loss, OP. I don't agree with the suggestions that your DM should come for a visit. That will set all the wrong expectations - that it is your job to look after her.

Presumably she is herself in her 60s or younger? She may have 30+ years ahead of her. She needs to find her own path, not to become dependent on you. You need to be kind but firm, or you will make a rod for your own back, and end up resenting her.

Cross posted with you @OodlesPoodle - I wouldn’t her lists! Don’t worry about trying to persuade her to do things either. People are responsible for their own feelings and solutions and finding their own motivations, and if you try to provide motivation for them they will only become dependent on you.

Maybe plan for her to visit but in a month or so after you go back, so she has something to look forward to but can start filling her time at home and you can both have some space to breathe.

When my Mum died in similar circumstances I immediately wanted to move back home to make things right.

The best advice I received was not to make any sudden changes for the first 18 months.

You all need time to come to terms with the huge change imposed on you.

She may well be lonely for a time. It's hard when you lived your life with somebody for so long. But she'll need to adapt - wherever she lives that will happen.

She's reaching for the what she thinks will be the easiest change she can - but it won't be easy because it's not really a choice, it's a reaction.

So try to peg back any moves for now.

And make sure you create space for your own grief - you've had a lot of change too.

Although she would have you, 24 hours a day by the sounds of it, she will be even more isolated in London than in her home country. Sitting on her own watching TV throughout the day whilst you work won't do either of you much good and may well impact on your relationship. Encourage her to go out and about more, make friends in similar positions. Whatever you do don't make snap sentimental decisions either of you. Do your grieving first. It's hard to lose a loved one sending condolences.

This is a difficult situation. Much as you want to help your DM, I don’t see how you can if you live in a one bedroom flat, amongst other things.
I completely understand your concern for her but I think it’s not a good idea to uproot her from everything she knows.
Tread carefully here. Your DM will need time and support and also space to come to terms with the loss of her husband and move on to the next phase of her life. However there is no reason really to suppose that the best solution is for her to move country and parachute into your life, which is not really set up to accommodate her. Think about how she can find her feet ( this will not happen instantly!) in her own country.
You Ofc want to support her but you have your own life to live as well.

That's a hell of a lot to unpack!

(1) no it would not be a good idea for your mum to come and live with you. Having just ended a long-term relationship you need some solo time to centre yourself and learn what to look for next time then when you are ready, you need to get out there and find your life partner. You will not be able to do this with your mum living in your tiny flat.

(2) no moving to a new country really isn't what your mum needs now. Of course she is reeling from grief and loss but moving to a new country right now would be a total disaster. Plus I think she wouldn't qualify for free nhs treatment and that's not a situation you want to be in in the uk. She should move to downsize to a smaller property somewhere new-ish but at least a bit familiar within the home country. Using the capital released from downsizing she can start a small business of some kind, that will give her an ongoing income.

I think many of you have hit the nail on the head with why I feel so overwhelmed. When younger my mum was quite dependent on me emotionally but when I moved away, I put in some boundaries and it got better or rather my dad took on the responsibility. Since my dad passed I haven't had the chance to just sit with my own thoughts as she wants to be around me all the time. Even when my relationship was falling apart, I didn't get privacy to have phone calls or even process the sadness as she'd be trying to listen in, worried about me. I can't tell if it's just her grief or we are back to the old pattern. If she came to London just for a visit, I know she'd spend the whole time convincing me to let her stay longer and longer till it was months. She already talks about how she read that some people die of a broken heart not long after their long term partners pass and talks about the possibilities of her death a lot as well and how no one will know if she's alone - so I feel it's her way of wanting me to make London a viable option.

I think suggesting to her we wait a while for things to settle until we make any decisions is a good idea. Hopefully that will give her time to adjust and realise she is more strong and capable than she realises.

Her own business would be a great idea actually. She wouldn't even have to downsize the house as my Dad left her very financially well off. She did once have an idea to start a small home business post retirement some years ago but there wasn't as much desire then. She has great ideas but never actions them. I'll remind her of that plan again.

I completely forgot that she wouldn't qualify for nhs treatment actually and medical treatment in our home country is much cheaper and very good anyway. That's definitely a point I'll raise with her to stop her focusing on the UK as the only option.

My dad died 2 years ago. My mum said the most useful advice was - dont make any big decisions for one year

it takes time to grieve and to for things to settle and to work out what you want as a widow. it is important to allow that time to pass and not rush into anything. so keep talking, keep in touch but don't encourage any big decisions right now.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and hope you are dealing with your own emotions as well as your Mums.
My Dad died several years ago and he and my Mum also did everything together. My sister and I made the huge mistake of sweeping in and trying to make everything "better" for our Mum. We made sure she was never alone, took her on holidays, outings etc. The upshot is that she has never learnt to deal with the fact that Dad has gone and she is now totally dependent on us. She is even jealous of any time we spend with our own families.
Give your Mum space (and yourself) to come to terms with her loss and look after yourself.

So important she makes no decisions or major changes for at least a year. When my own dad died my mum insisted everyone return to their own lives pretty quickly as she knew she was in danger of getting dependent and was wise enough to know she had to face reality and begin a new life.
You are dealing with a lot with your own partner and that may hit you hard when you return to London. Last thing you need is your mom living with you. No!! You have a life ahead and living with your mother is not it.
As your dad was in his 60s l presume she is too. That's not old..l am in my 60s and she could end up living with you for 30 years.
Head back and well done for staying a month. I hope that's not why your partner and you broke up. Your mum is not a frail old lady. You may be surprised at how she copes as soon as she gets over the shock. You mind yourself.