Everything is complicated.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

I posted here about 18 months ago shortly after my DP died when I was arranging the funeral and was very grateful for the support and advice I received from everyone.

I am posting now because I am extremely overwhelmed by life in general and while I kind of have support, I also kind of don't and everyone who has said they're there for me has serious stuff going on and I don't want to burden them.

My business is failing.

I'm in debt.

In the last 18 months two friends have also lost their spouses to cancer - funeral coming up for the second one next month.

Another close friend has thankfully survived cancer, another's Dad is just about to start cancer treatment.

Last night I found out my Dad, who has been living with splenic lymphoma for years is being referred for an urgent CT scan as he had worrying symptoms. My step-Mum is very frail.

DP and I were both only children.

My MIL is in a care home with advanced dementia. She stopped recognising us about three years ago so I don't visit. She has no clue her son is dead. There is some sort of discrepancy between the time her funds ran out and the LA started to contribute and I'm being chased for several thousand pounds. I don't have it but will probably have to liquidate my shop to pay it - it's complicated.

DPs Dad is exceptionally frail. His Step Mum is in the early stages of dementia.

My adult kids are doing their own thing - my son and his partner live with me at present and help as much as they can, but she recently lost her beloved grandfather and is under investigation for serious health issues. They both work hard and deserve a life of their own.

Every time I try to make a plan or get organised it seems some other crisis occurs.

So it feels as though I have no time for / am not allowed feelings.

A person of faith recently told me that God only gives us what we can handle. I resisted the urge to do actual violence, because honestly it feels more like it's a case of how much can be piled on before the test subject goes postal at the moment.

I've weathered a few storms in my life and met DP at 42. We had 11 years which yes, yes, I should be grateful for, but it really doesn't fill the void.

I know I should get counselling perhaps, but I can't afford it and have to be in my shop 6 days a week. Probably 7 but I need to do laundry.

I have a kitten. It helps, but how do I get past the daily feeling of just wanting to disappear? I almost googled how to fake my own death yesterday - I could actually do anything bad to myself because I don't want to hurt my son.

I keep trying and trying to be positive and pro-active - fake it till you make it? But it's really fucking hard.

I'm so sorry for off loading - IRL my friends and family would feel terrible if I offloaded like this and none of them need that. I hate that I'm so self obsessed and lonely and pathetic and God, I miss my DP so much.

Sending thoughts and love to anyone else here struggling.....

I know I'm not the only one.

Op, you have such an overwhelming amount of s#£& to deal with. Please seek support - there are lots of organisations offering free counselling in your situation. Macmillan? Cruse? Your local hospice? Please seek the help you deserve.

I’m not a councillor by any means, but can you form a bit of a bubble around you and not be privy to everyone’s health concerns. I’m 65, if I went looking for everyone touched by cancer/ long term conditions I’d also be drained.
Don’t be guilt tripped into paying your moms fees, your only being asked because your the easiest to access.
business, was it doing okay before? Why is it failing?

Could you speak to age ik for advice re care home fees?

Hi OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

I can relate to some of what you are going through as I lost my DH and then life just kept throwing really horrible stuff at me which I won’t burden you with.

I found that I had to become more direct with people to survive. When people started giving ‘advice’ about what I should do (and sorry, am aware of the irony of doing this here, but not much else I can do online) I told them that the way to help was to do the thing for me that they were advising I should do.

I also have taken to being a bit blunt and telling people that I don’t want to hear about another death or illness as it’s triggering for me.

Things are better than they were now but I am still fragile and believe I have mild depression.

It’s all very well people saying seek counselling but I couldn’t even get past an engaged tone when I tried phoning CRUSE bereavement (on multiple occasions). Finding support just becomes another overwhelming task when you are already overwhelmed. You can self refer for help here https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

As there’s likely to be a waiting list, I found these materials online which are proving very useful to me. They are the workbooks used widely by CBT counsellors that you would be referred to above so I am being my own counsellor. I found some of the advice I was already doing but it’s helping me to see the remaining pitfalls and giving me strategies to help.

http://cedar.exeter.ac.uk/resources/iaptinterventions/

Good luck OP.

Oh op you've had several tonnes of bricks dropped on you haven't you. It's not surprising you feel overwhelmed. I don't really have any advice, the part that stood out to me though was the care home fees. If you weren't married to dp then how would you be liable for any of his mothers fees? You may need to seek legal advice on that issue. The care home may be trying to bully you, that doesn't mean you're definitely liable for the debt. They're possibly just trying to get money from anyone they think might pay up. Is your business still viable? is it the economy causing problems ? Might it be worth considering liquidating it now and getting a standard job? That might take the whole stress of the business failing off your shoulders and give you a better work life balance as it sounds like you're running yourself into the ground. Speak to your son op. Yes they have their own life, but if they live with you they've got to be seeing you struggling and quite probably would love to be able to help and support you. Even if it's just a shoulder to cry on. I hope things start to improve for you soon op.

My goodness OP what an enormous amount to cope with. You are still standing and I can only admire that.

Grief and trouble is a heavy burden and a lonely road, and your financial and professional worries only compound it.

I have nothing useful to say on the practical side, only that I hear you and stand here with you.

You are allowed feelings. Please do share them here.

Is there any small thing you can do you for yourself that restores you? A walk in nature, watching the sunset, a cup of tea and a book, listening to music, gardening? Sorry if these are very trite suggestions in the face of your overwhelming situation. You mention friends who are going through their own difficulties so you obviously have friends and are a good friend to them. Do you have others that you can lean on?

I have no idea how you are still standing, you have so much heaped on your shoulders. I don't understand how you are liable for your late DP mum's care home fees, have you spoken to someone like Age UK about that? I know when DH died he had an outstanding loan and when I called up to notify them that he'd died the company told me they couldn't pursue me for his outstanding debt.

Have you claimed the the LA it certainly doesn’t sound like you should be liable for you MIL fees. I appreciate complaining is hard when you are overwhelmed, but you certainly shouldn’t be liquidating your business without advice first. Do you have a CAB near you?

I always find a list helps when I’m overwhelmed. It helps if the list is in priority order and then you can just tick one thing off and work on the next. Make sure you include things for you.

As PP have said counselling should be available via Macmillan or similar.

Consider telling a friend what you have said here and have something in mind if they ask if they can help.

*complained to the LA