Tips for getting through a eulogy/ tribute

[Emelene]

Hello, I was hoping anyone can give me practical tips or encouragement about how to get through a eulogy/tribute.

My colleague and his family died in a car accident last month. On Friday there is a large face to face meeting with lots of colleagues that he would have been at, and I’ve volunteered to read out a tribute for 5-10 mins. It felt really important to me that he wasn’t forgotten, but I’m finding it so much harder than I anticipated. He was a really great man, a friend and I miss him and am struggling with the suddenness of his passing. His funeral was very rapid in his home country so there hasn’t been much closure or opportunity to grieve properly I don’t think.

I’ve spent a long time writing the tribute but I can’t get through it without sobbing. I want people to be able to understand the words I’m saying and also don’t want to be a mess in front of lots of other health professionals.

Any tips please? I’m thinking of breathing exercises, having water with me and I’ve got a friend who would take over if I can’t finish it.

I read out a lot of eulogies as I'm a vicar. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My top tips are practice it. Do not start the eulogy by saying it is hard. It puts you in an emotional space which is tricky to move out of. Remember to breathe. If you feel yourself wobble stop and say your 8 times table in your head. Or push your tongue up onto the roof of your mouth. Don't look people in the eye. Either look over their heads or look on the foreheads. Alternatively take off your glasses if you are shortsighted. I advise the bereaved to give a shorter eulogy if 500-700 words about what made that person special. Don't try and do a CV. Find what helps for you. Just having someone to take over might be enough.

Good luck. It is a lovely thing to do and reward yourself with a cuppa or something stronger afterwards.

I delivered the eulogy at my dads funeral. I treated it like I was on stage performing. I was reading but knew the text well. I framed it in my head as the last thing that I could do to send him off well which helped. I also had my cousin and brother stood just behind me in case I needed them.

You're doing a wonderful, very difficult, thing so don’t stress too much. It’s meant to be emotional. Be kind to yourself and know that not everyone would be able to do it. Maybe a close colleague could stand with you if feel you need it?

As others have said read it out loud lots of times at home beforehand as the familiarity of the words can make them
less triggering. Don’t look at anyone. If you do cry, everyone will understand. Take care

I read at my dgm's funeral.. Print off your eulogy in bigger text.. If you well up you can still read it...

Practice. I gave the eulogy at my mum's funeral and it was so hard. I second the taking off of glasses if you're short-sighted; I didn't and seeing my brother sobbing nearly finished me, so I looked over my specs rather than through so I couldn't see him properly. It helped that I'd given my husband a copy to take over if necessary. Keep it short. Good luck; I too thought it was the last thing I could do for my mum and I'm glad I did it.

I agree with lots of practice. For me it helped because having read them out loud again and again, on the day I was able to detach myself from the words a bit, so I was able to say them without thinking about their meaning in that moment, if that makes sense.

Don't look people in the eye

Agree with everyone else: this is key.

And, if you do cry, no one will judge you. It’s lovely that you have volunteered. Good luck.

Thank you so much for all the suggestions so far. The glasses are a great shout, I am short sighted so if I remove them everyone else is blurry.

I know I need to practice more so will rehearse it for my husband later.

My colleague was wonderful, I really want to be able to get that across on Friday.

It’s okay if you cry.

I got through by slowing down - much slower than felt normal, and pronouncing the words carefully. And pausing to breathe.

You’re doing a lovely thing.

I have to break bad medical news to people and it can be really hard not to cry in sympathy with their distress, which I try not to do, as the moment is about them, not me.

One technique that helps me is to imagine myself as a character - basically a version of myself who is calm and not overly emotional in the situation. Before I go into the room, I imagine myself stepping into character, like an actor would do. I appreciate this sounds a bit mad, but I have found it helpful.

It's my mother's funeral on Tuesday. Our celebrant recommended not looking at anybody & having something to eat beforehand.

I'm very sorry for your loss, @CowCat 💐

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow that's a really interesting technique that I might take on, too, when needed.

Good luck op.

How awful OP, what a tragedy I did my Dads last week. I wasnt going to do it and had given it to the Pastor to read but on the day felt able. I started out with the funny bits (Dad was a joker) and had the congregation laughing at some of his antics which eased things a bit. I then moved onto the harder part about our loss and how loved he was and my voice did crack a couple of times but I took a deep breath and carried on. I didnt once look up even when I got on stage I just focused on the reading. My dc, Mum and 2 dbro also gave their tributes so we stood together and put an arm around the person reading when their voice started to break. I had read mine over and over so was slightly desensitised from the words which helped too. I am so glad that I did it now I would love to think he would have been proud of us all.

I read a tribute for my grandma. The way I got through it was to imagine I was telling a story to my daughter, not that I was talking about my grandma. Like @MelonsOnSaleAgain said - treating it like a performance, not something personal. I got through it without tears and let them out later when other people were speaking.

I dig my nails into the palm of my hands and focus on making that as tolerably painful as possible.

Thanks for all the support. Made it through, had a wobble/ cry in the first bit (saying how the whole family died) so my friend stepped in but then I took a deep breath, found my stride and did well on the last 2 thirds. Lots of people said it was good, and a few said they wouldn’t have been able to do it.

I’m proud I managed to pay tribute to my friend.

Fantastic update op. You are very brave 🌺🌺

Fantastic- well done

Glad the Eulogy went ok. So sad how they all died. My 15 year old daughter wrote and read the Eulogy at her Dad’s funeral on Thursday she did amazing as she has social anxiety and hates standing up in front of people. It wasn’t too long and she paused for a few seconds when she felt choked up. Her Dad was 53. My other two daughters 18 and 17 read half of the Footprints poem each.