God it’s shit, isn’t it?

[peachgreen]

My wonderful soulmate DH died two and a half years leaving me and our then 2.5 year old DD. I have done all the right things – I have a great career, supportive friends, I’m even dating again – and to the outside world I’m coping really well. Flourishing, even. And I mean I am, I get up, I work, I parent, I do nice things, I live my life.

But fuck, it’s just so relentlessly AWFUL.

I hate life without him. It’s just miserable. I hate solo parenting, I would never have chosen to have children if I knew I’d be doing it alone. I hate knowing what it feels like to be truly loved and cherished for everything I am and then having had that taken away. I hate going on without my best friend, the other half of myself, the person who made me realise what life was for and why I was here. I hate knowing that life will never be as good again. Can never be as good again.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. Nothing really. I just needed to say it out loud without worrying/boring my friends and family. I’m so done with it all. I know I have to keep going and I will. But the joy has been sucked out of life and it feels exhausting.

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP and yes bereavement is shit. I think though that it’s absolutely lovely that you clearly loved deeply and were loved in return, that’s something very special that doesn’t happen for lots of people. You must have so many cherished memories ❤️

I’ve been where you are now, it’s exhausting, relentless. I can only repeat what everyone says, it will get better. There was a time when I wanted to slaughter every couple I saw, couples have a way of touching each other all the time, it’s unconscious, just a touch on the back sometimes, but it made me feel desolate. I’m now with someone I adore, I love him so much, but still think about my husband often. Somehow the grief settles and you live again. It’s just different.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this , and even though I've not lost a life partner , I don't have my parents alive , and although my mum died several years ago , I sat and cried loudly today.
it must be very hard to lose your dh and be left with a young child . I remember when you posted about your beloved husband and the shock of his passing. I hope you had people around you at the time and continue to do so .

I remember your story @peachgreen and I have such huge sympathy. I think everything you're feeling is so understandable. You must feel so bleak.
My best friend lost his husband two years ago and he describes his feelings in very similar ways to you. He's having a period of intense rage currently and I absolutely don't blame him. He was saying that everything about his current home/situation/life was chosen as a couple to suit their lifestyle and plans and now nothing suits him or makes sense. And like you, on the outside he's doing everything "right" I think he's honest with ne because of my own bereavement and he knows I won't judge
I haven't been widowed but I lost my adult son and honestly, yes, it has totally ruined my life.
Like you, I don't say much to family or friends. How can you say things like "I'd never have had children if I'd known " I carry on, you'd never know from the outside how black my soul is.
I don't think I'll ever be 100% authentic with other people. Almost feel like I have to protect them from myself.
So I hear you and I'm so very sorry for your pain.

Yes it's shit, I'm sorry you lost your husband, that must be so hard with young children.

4 1/2 years and it still hits me in the gut every morning when I wake. It takes me so long to get ready to do anything, think through what needs to be done, what might crop up unexpectedly and throw me off, get the mask ready for the world.

It feels to me a little like I'm behind a glass screen, insulated, not fully involved with life but I can make a pretty good show of it which is something I couldn't maintain a few years ago so it does get lighter to carry and I have to believe that will continue.

I rarely talk about it now with friends and family, if I do they make helpful suggestions like do something you've always wanted to do. I smile and play along and have no idea how to tell them I don't know what I want to do.

One thing I've found helpful is support groups, online and irl, listening and talking with people who have gone through the same or similar.

You've fought your way through 2 1/2 years, all that emotion, chaos, feeling so lost and did it while caring for your DD. That's amazing. You may feel overwhelmed at times but look at what you've already done

Yes, it is shit, and relentlessly awful.
I can still conjure up my DH, warts and all, but my goodness, how I loved him, and how he loved me, warts and all.
My DC are older, now adults, so hats off to you for your. courage, you must have to dig dip to find it every single day.
And probably like me, it’s making and taking every single decision that feels just, well, so fucking hard.
I must say that this widowhood malarkey feels nothing like the loss of my dad, who I adored, as at least he got to see his DC all happily settled and meet all his grandchildren.

Just wanted to sneak in and be among people who get it. For a minute before I slap on my fake stoicism so as not to disrupt the outside world.

Solidarity.....

I feel like two separate people.

And the rage comes and goes.

It's not even living half a life.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms, dark humour, sorting out ongoing financial chaos because DP went suddenly and we never got round to so many grown up things between juggling elderly parents and all sorts of other stress.

Lost my Mum two years before DP - ovarian cancer. Last night my Dad told me he's being referred for a CT scan urgently as his ongoing splenic lymphoma has just started showing worrying symptoms again. He's 83 and my Step Mother is very fragile.

Brace, brace, brace.

And if one more person tells me I'm doing so well, the situation might all be resolved by a lengthy sentence for manslaughter.

Anyway.

Sorry.

Love, light and gratitude eh? I'll swallow another Little Book of Calm and just say I hear you to everyone posting here.

Some beautiful and supportive messages here 💕

I lost my husband 8 months ago. I feel the same. Agree it's totally shit