Flipping between normal and how to be

[Feelingsurreal]

It has been 2 weeks this morning since I lost my lovely Mum. I just feel such a huge weight on me atm and I don't know what to do. I've taken leave from work, but I suppose they want to know when I'm coming back. I have a lot to do to help my Dad. Paperwork, and sorting out their house, which is a mess. Dad needs me, and I'm happy to be able to help.

One minute I'm fine to chat on the phone to a friend, or do the gardening, and one minute nothing makes sense and I just want to curl up into a ball for a bit.

It feels like a real fog.

It isn't the closeness, as we weren't really emotionally very close, it just seems to be a weight of grief. I've never experienced this before and just don't really understand it.

I don't think I need counselling atm, because surely this is sort of normal?

Do others feel this way?

Yes it's quite normal, OP. I am so sorry for your loss even if you weren't close, it's still a huge thing.

Sorry for your loss OP. It all sounds very normal to me.

I lost my mum 6 weeks ago and I feel the same. Still struggling to focus and find my normal. It's rubbish. We were very close and I'm so grateful to have my siblings to support me but it's still so hard.

@poppyalert I'm sorry for your loss. It just feels like a huge 'weight' doesn't it? like a permanent depression but not a depression?

It’s very normal. Grieving takes a long time and it isn’t a straight road.

OP and @poppyalert so sorry for your loss.
It’s been 9 weeks for me and every day is still a struggle. It’s hard to concentrate on work and things fully, yet I feel better when I keep busy.
My free time is now spent with my dad and I never know if he wants me there or doesn’t. I think he thinks he’s there for me and I think I’m there for him but we probably both just prefer to be alone with our thoughts but when I’m home I worry about him being alone. I’ve spoke to him about it but he just says things like he doesn’t want to be a burden. It’s more of a burden not knowing what to do for the best! But I think the truth is there’s nothing I can do to make it better.
Have you had the funeral yet OP?

OP it is normal. I experiencing grief through suicide of a partner. It Bern less than 18m. At work I ok at hime up.and down. One minute u think I'm.okish the next it hits you. I read something that says grief is like a wave. In my experience it's true,sometimes the wave has retreated temporarily, sometimes it is at your toes and other times it crashes into you without warning. If you are having to.compartmentalise your feelings,that is put on hold for yiur dad etc it can be a relief but then later it can make things seem worse. Above all be kind to yourself.

@Cocopogo I'm sorry for your loss.

I know exactly what you mean about being there, but also preferring time alone, and then worrying about him being alone.

I think I feel so much sorrow for my Dad being alone. When people ask him how long were they married he replies 'only 54 years' then adds, 'not long enough' and it brings tears to my eyes.

It is weird because when Mum was unwell, it felt more of a burden than now, when it feels just natural and automatic to be there for him. Does that make sense?

We have had the funeral. It was just awful. I just kept asking myself how can this be happening.

I think you're right. Nothing can make it better. I guess I'm just trying to help him find his way, learn how to cook (!), and find his new routine, which is all very hard, whilst I too am.

I am on leave from work so have time for him. My sibling isn't, and is back to work full time and thus feels like his is 'doing something important' vs me who could pause my part time work as it isn't that important. Makes me feel like my general value in the world is less as I can give it up to be there for Dad. Probably this is in my mind, and down to how I see myself though...

@BCBird I'm so sorry for your loss too. It must be incredibly hard to bear.

I know already what you mean about the waves.

I'm trying really hard to just 'go slow' and do things for me too.

Today I have a pedicure... I just wanted to do something, but it feels so wrong and so odd...

@Feelingsurreal your value is absolutely not less. One thing I’ve learnt from my mum it to stop and just be there. My brother is also the high flyer but he has regrets now that he wasn’t there as much as he’d have liked but whatever time people have with their loved one it’s just never enough. I’d give anything for a few more minutes with my mum.
Don’t be hard on yourself, grief is awful, look after yourself.

@Cocopogo thank you. I spoke to a colleague today, and she said also, to just take the time I want before coming back, and to spend time with my Dad... we never know how long we have left.

Have been in tears this evening, they just start flowing sometimes, do you find that? x

Yes I get that a lot. I’m worse in the evenings when I’m not busy. Once I stop and sit down.
My dad is worse in the mornings knowing he has to face the day without her. It’s awful.

It’s been a year since I lost my mum. My dad died years ago. I am still finding my new normal. Let it be what it will be. It is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to go through it.
sorry for your loss .

There is a model of grief which suggests that you ping from one state to another and gradually you settle. I found that with me. I’d have two weeks of pure misery then a couple of weeks of feeing normal and almost indifferent…. And guilt for not being sad enough!!

you’re very early days. But honestly you do get used to it, I am a few months on and I am generally ok with some severe dips. I lay on the sofa crying for about two hours yesterday and later on was absolutely fine. It’s very draining. Just focus on the stuff you can do: I found being busy and practical helpful, I focus on eating and sleeping as well as I could and haven’t been near any alcohol because it just leaves me in a dark place.

I am truly sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to lose a loved parent. ❤️