Has it really been a week?...

[Feelingsurreal]

....since I lost my lovely Mum.

I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to see the SC. I just want to be with my Dad, or be home alone.

What do I respond when kind, caring, thoughtful friends message me saying "how are you? xx". I don't want to be rude, or push them away, but honestly, how tf do you think I am?..

Sorry to moan here. I don't know what to do with myself right now x

The days are so long, but the years are short when you have such a profound loss.

If they are good friends just tell them you're not great, and you're not being rude, but can they just give you some time. Maybe let them know you would appreciate them checking in, but that you will respond when you have the headspace to talk. They will understand.

Don't give more than you're able to, this is absolutely the time to think about yourself and your needs, and be a little selfish if you have to.

I'm so sorry you miss your lovely Mum 💐

@HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew

Thank you for your reply. It is really not how I thought it would be. I feel much, much sadder, and a much deeper sense of loss than I imagined.

We weren't close, not emotionally. I don't anticipate ever thinking 'oh, I must call Mum and tell her that...' then realising I can't. But, the sense of loss is just so profound and final.

I like your idea of just saying I appreciate them checking in and will respond when I have the headspace...
thank you x

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum. I can totally understand that you don't feel like talking on the phone or dealing with social stuff right now. Sometimes all you want is to be with your Dad or just be alone at home.
When your friends send those kind messages asking how you're doing, it can be tough to know how to respond. You don't want to be rude or push them away, but seriously, how the heck do they think you're feeling?

Some of them are sending messages like 'thinking of you and sending hugs, no need to reply', and that's lovely. I'm mostly just replying with a X or a heart, but it's the ones that ask how I am, or how is my Dad, that just feel so ridiculous.

It's such an odd feeling, you never really respond to someone you love dying the way you think you will. After my son died I was sort of OK for a couple of months, oddly OK. It hit me after that, looking back I think it was because I was still doing stuff for him, arranging and sorting things, after all the 'jobs' were done I wasn't needed as his mum anymore.

In your case you've lost your mum, but also the opportunity for that emotional closeness, so that's a double lot of grief for you, it also sounds like you're supporting your dad too which is so tough when you're also grieving yourself.

Just take your time, baby steps, this is a long journey, and there's no hurry to feel 'better' quickly or put on a brave face for anyone 💐

@HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew I'm so sorry to read about your son. My heart goes out to you.

You are absolutely right, it probably is that real final-ness (I can't think straight and that isn't a word, but I don't know right now what the word is!), the final-ness of never having that close mother-daughter relationship that I actually would so have loved, and feel sad about often.

I am definitely going to take your advice, and not put on a brave face. I won't answer the phone, make arrangements etc. Some friends who are messaging to take my mind of it and tell me trivia, I also find I can reply to, or those who want to send a hug etc... it is the ones who just say 'how are you?' and things like that, that I find hard.

I was the same.

Weirdly I could answer acquaintances, or work people telling me things about themselves or their kids etc, I struggled with my close friends and people who genuinely cared, I knew that they knew me well so if I made a joke, or said I was fine they would see through it, acquaintances took less emotional labour to talk to.

Everyone talks about the grief of losing the person, but the grief of losing the potential of what the future could have held is rarely discussed. Its absolutely a valid feeling though.

I think you are absolutely right. it is less emotional labour to talk to acquaintances or other people rather than close friends. Even to strangers on the MN I can manage ;)

I always vent on MN, there's always someone to listen.

We aren't a bad nest of vipers really 🤣

After losing DH I found that one or two friends really wanted to know how I was and were asking face-to-face and they wanted the truth and I was able to say "Fucking crap". But then there were people who were texting what felt like walls of messages and I found that a much harder medium to handle and I often ignored them. Grief is a strange place to be.

It's been a bit over a year for me, and I still have a huge gap in me. I can't get too close to it or it overwhelms me, but I can potter round the edges. Those first days I remember so well - not wanting to see anyone or to talk, but not knowing what to do with myself either. Sending you . I hope you have the right support when you need it.

@EATmum yes, I understand that. I don't want to see anyone or talk, but I don't know what to do either. am just sitting in bed, reading MN and googling random nonsense, as well as just joining Duolingo!

what do you mean that you potter around the edges? Do you mean you don't address the grief and the gap?

I'm not sure how to describe it. It's just something inside which has shifted. Day to day I can be fine, carry on, laugh and smile - pottering on. But inside I think I'll always feel changed.

I heard that, maybe on a podcast I listened to today. A part of you changes forever after a close bereavement....
Right now, I feel I will be a totally different person and can't comprehend normality, going out, laughing, being intimate with my partner even.

I wasn't even what I consider, close to my Mum. But, she was my Mum.