Is there a right way to grieve? Or am I broken?

[Denialisagirlsbestfriend]

Sorry this is a long post……My dad died last year. He battled cancer for 10 years, was told it was terminal 6 years ago and although he was extremely poorly he just seemed to crack on. At first I’d get really anxious before each scan thinking they’d tell us this is it, but as the years passed I guess I thought he’d be around for the long haul.

His actual decline happened over about 6 weeks, he was at home and I visited each night. We were always really close, he’s my person and I wanted to make sure he had the help and support he needed at the end. His final 2 weeks were horrific, he seemed to be in so much pain. I think he always was in pain but he just lost the ability to hide it from us. We constantly looked for the signs that this was it and would prepare for the worst but he’d still cling on, slowly wasting away. The day he died all I could hear was that awful rattle as he breathed, but he was alert. I knew it would be soon but he was still alert and communicating so thought we had hours. All of a sudden he was just gone. For years I’d been expecting it but then suddenly that was it, my person was just no more. I felt numb and in shock and just stood there but after years he finally looked relaxed and free of pain.

I thought my grief would be all consuming, I see people that have lost and they struggle to function. I was devastated, but I thought I’d feel more. I found out I was pregnant the day after he died, all my emotions of loss then got redirected into focusing on the pregnancy and raising my children. It’s been almost a year and I think I’m still in denial? I still talk about him in the presence, at Christmas I just imagined he was at home, I tell myself it’s not been that long since we last talked. If I actually stop and think about the fact I won’t ever see him again the pain in my chest is to much so I just divert my thoughts to something else. Did I grieve before he died so I’m coping ok now? I feel like my baby is a gift from him as he knew I’d need something to focus on so maybe that helped me cope? Am I still in complete denial and one day I’m going to break?

This post is probably just waffle, but I’ve not really talked about it so I guess it’s a start. Am I just weird and not grieving properly? I tried to explain my grief to a friend like this… I’m in a submarine and surrounded by water but inside my little bubble I’m nice and dry. When I’m feeling weak and the pressure outside gets to much the door cracks and water starts to force its way into my bubble. So I divert all my strength to closing the door so I can carry on inside my bubble and keep the grief away.

There is no right way. I expect you largely came to terms with the concept of him not being there one day over the past ten years. Don't beat yourself up about not doing it right - this is the right way for you.

So sorry for your loss, there is no 'right way' to grieve. It is a lovely that your baby brings you closer to him. I do t have much advice, hope you have someone to talk to and lean on. Take care.x

This is very similar to the story of my dad’s passing and how I feel. I think that maybe I grieved a lot and for a long time before he died, which means that grieving now is different. As one door closes, another opens.

No, you're not broken or doing it wrong. There is no right or wrong in grief and, for what it's worth, I can identify with everything you've said. I lost my DH 15 months ago and I feel pretty much like you do.

Echoing the above that there is no right or wrong way.

I lost my Dad earlier this year, and still feel very shaken by it all.

I lost my dad 4 yrs ago, I have missed him so much, a year after he passed away I got pregnant and those 9 MTHS were beautiful it lessened my grief and I was focused on my baby, but unfortunately 5 days before his due date he passed away, I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy and he was buried on his due date, you know the weired thing is I thought losing my dad would be the worst but my baby took it out of me more, then last month I nearly lost my mum but thank goodness she pulled through and recovered 🙏 it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. Most times I'm numb, but I'm getting by, certain things trigger it off and I have a cry and move on....
But deep down maybe I'm bit like you I keep alot inside of me, it's like a storm brewing but I suppress it, but it is affecting my health, i get anxiety too.
I wish you all the best, it takes time to heal ❤️ do what you have to, to stay sane 🙏

God I feel like I could have wrote this post myself. My dad was diagnosed as stage 4 terminal in March 22 and they decided not to give him any treatment. Come July the cancer had grew and spread and he was in hospital unable to walk, speak or eat. He spent 12 weeks in before he passed in September.

I miss him and I love him so much but I too have questioned if I’m normal as I’m not “tv grieving”. I haven’t really cried and if I do, it’s for like 5 minutes and then it passes. I don’t feel the outpouring of grief that some people seem to feel and went back to normal pretty normal basically straight away.

I think it’s because I knew it was coming (with his lifestyle I expected it for years before it happened) and I saw him in pain and become a shadow of himself in the end and spent so much time being his full time career that when he passed, I actually felt relieved and I feel guilt for feeling that way but I did.

im constantly waiting for the shoe to drop and your analogy is great, it is like waiting for the submarine to burst. It’s would have been his 60th birthday 13th June and I have plans to go to his favourite place and scatter his ashes but I wonder how I will feel especially with Father’s Day a couple days after.

Thats a long reply but just to say your not alone and it must be normal because it seems a few of us feel the same way. Sending my love.

Flowers and prayers for all you lovely people x life is cruel x

No right or wrong. Let yourself process your way

Oh OP I'm so sorry, I lost both my (very elderly) parents last year.

I do wonder if yes, your child was a gift, I really feel that. And your coping mechanism with the submarine is your very strong mind protecting you.

With your child and your imaginative resolve I think you're built to get through this.

You do you - everyone copes with these huge situations in different ways.

Makes sense to me too OP. My DM died last year. She was 83, and had been in a care home because she was disabled, but declined quickly from pancreatic cancer. I don’t think I grieved properly. I’ve only started to be able to feel like I really miss her recently, and it feels like a storm is brewing.

Everyone’s journey is unique and intricate. It’s not a straight line. There are twists and turns, peaks and troughs, vacuums, overwhelms and sometimes circling back.

It’s personal to you, the relationship and the moment you are in now.

Just try to notice it, embrace it and accept it as a painful and exhausting part of life - some days more so than others.

Time will take you through it at your own pace.

I’m sorry you lost your dad too. TV grieving is a good way to look at it, it’s like we are told that’s how we should grieve so anything different and we don’t think it’s normal. I rarely cry over it, I’ve had one panic attack that was triggered by a picture but otherwise I’m just sort of numb to it.

Life resumed straight away for me too, I had to return to work a week after he passed and although it was important for my kids to see me upset ect I was conscious I didn’t want to them to see me devastated and have that scare them so I think that contributed to me holding back.

That sounds like the perfect way to remember your dad on his birthday. I did something similar on my dads birthday and I know he would love it.

I’m so incredibly sorry for the poses you have endured. You sound like such a strong person, I can’t even imagine the pain of losing both your dad and baby boy in such a short time.

I think like you, suppressing the grief is causing me some anxiety. I’m often ok but have become more aware of the safety of my family and it does panic me that something may happen.

I’m glad your mum has recovered xxx

Thank you everyone. it’s good to know I’m not alone and I guess logically I know there’s no ‘correct’ way to grieve, but I often feel like I’m doing my dads memory a disservice by being able to function. He really was an incredible soul.

It sounds like you might have an element of “frozen grief” maybe, I’d recommend contacting CRUSE bereavement care for some counselling. But it’s also ok if this is letting you function for now.

No right or wrong way to grieve ❤️
I lost my lovely dad last October to a very quick illness. He had cancer but it was rapid and he passed away six days after the official diagnosis.
I miss him dearly but I haven't cried once so he died and have just carried on . I have two small children to .
It's not how I expected to feel. I remember crying when I went to see him when ill when I left each time though as it was just horrible to see him like that.
He is still a huge part of me and his memory and everything about him lives on in me and his family.
Take care of yourself op ❤️

but I often feel like I’m doing my dads memory a disservice by being able to function

My dad wanted me to just live my life and find happiness without him physically in my life .
It really gives me a lot of comfort to imagine if he could see me he would be smiling at me

I have thought so many times about starting a post like this myself.

my dad died just 2 weeks after we were told he had cancer. We thought he just had bad flu which needed treatment in hospital.
I only cried twice, the day I told my boss that dad had been given a few days to live, and again when I told my boss I had to go home as he had just died. (My poor boss!).
I had thought I’d be broken with grief and warned everyone at work to expect me not to be in for a couple of weeks when he died. But I was back in within two days, albeit shorter hours due to looking after mum, sorting paperwork etc.
If I find myself thinking that I will never see him again, I push the thought away, just like you said.
I’m still expecting the ‘tv grief’ to hit at some unexpected moment. Maybe it never will.
there seems to be a few of us silent grieves around.
Big hugs all round to everyone who has loved and lost someone close.

As above by everyone there is no right method for grief.

There is nothing wrong with thinking of your father in the present. He is not gone, he is in your head, he is fully relevant to things around.
There’s also nothing wrong with forgetting your loss and then remembering.

If you are concerned that you have packed things away in the back of your head and that one day everything will hit then you can consider someone to talk to, a friend, a stranger, a professional or ransom members of a forum

Happily going on with your life and hitting pain at times is perfectly normal

I was zombified when I suffered loss.

A friend passed in her sleep, but due to misadventure.
I dealt with things that needed dealing with
I had the support of everyone
But I didn’t talk about it, I locked it up and it remains locked up but pokes itself out sometimes
I didn’t tell the whole truth on the circumstances - she just died in her sleep for the reason that is known. I have told particular people that I haven’t told them the whole truth and all of the facts, but that they do know the truth, just the better parts of the truth
Only I, the police and coroner know the full truth and one friend knows more of the truth
(she was unable to come to the funeral and made her own fairwells at the funeral home. The way she looked didn’t add up with the partial truth I had given, so I told her a little more)

A little cry works wonders.
But it’s just for you to know whether you are fine with feeling the hurt and fixing that with better thoughts.
No grieiving or therapy will remove the pain
Physically your father has gone, he will always be a great memory for you and you have the life in front of you with your child

On a spiritual or religious basis your father is there and will always be there
On a basic human basis your father will always be in your memories, and in the memories of others.
One day anyone who remembers us will be gone, and ‘living memory’ of us will be gone
But there will be an impact of some form on the world as a result of every single one of us.

Blood lines go on into the future, a blood line that ends will still have interacted with other people, directly and indirectly

Even those who have done nothing of note and forgotten to history have an anonymous place in history

I genuinely think everyone grieves differently and sometimes putting focus on Christmas, Father's Day etc is only making things worse. I never found those days difficult when my dad died. But l could be driving along in the car and one of his songs..old country ones..would come on the radio and l would be weeping. On his anniversary nothing. Also smells get to me. He died suddenly and l can never talk about that day 20 years later without crying. You had so much time to grieve beforehand that you were ready.
My mom on the other hand died after a slow diabilating illness and the relief for her meant l was happy rather than sad. Just go with your own heart. There is no perfect way.

Oh goodness, I’m glad I have read this. I don’t feel so “cold hearted” now. My dear dad died from dementia during lock downs. I had two children 15 months apart and the younger was born the day he was hospitalised for his last 6 months of life. I live at the other end of the country and only managed to visit twice (also covid times so various restrictions). As per my parents wish there was no funeral and the cremation was private (no one there).

My 15 month old didn’t take his siblings birth well and rejected me a lot. I ended up with PND but have never been able to grieve for my dad.

I think a lot of the grief was anticipatory but sometimes I wish I could cry and miss him but it’s like a switch goes off and brain shuts it all away.

much love to everyone who has lost someone and is dealing with it in their own way and thanks for this thread.