Does it ever go away

[greycurt]

My baby was born 18 weeks early, three years ago but to the medical world he never existed because he didn't quite make it to 24 weeks.

I gave birth. I held him. I slept next to him. I saw his fingers, his toes, his ears, his nose, his sleeping eyes. He. Was. Real.

But I won't ever shout to tell him dinner is ready. Do you homework. Stop messing about. Well done on your reading. Saying his name.

Nobody else thinks about him or remembers him and I hate it. If I didn't have two others to consider I wish I could go and be with him. Who would he be now. It's school application year. But he won't ever go.

I don't even know what I want from posting. I just want my boy.

Hi, no advice as such just didn’t want to read and run. I haven’t experienced this type of loss but I have experienced deep grief when I lost my Mum and younger brother within a couple of years of each other. The hurt never goes away but it does get a bit easier with time. I hope you are ok xx

I'm so sorry for your loss @greycurt.of course he existed. 💜

It sort of ebbs and flows (10 years). Sometimes when it flows back, it can be quite strong but other times less so and you can absolutely get through it.

Probability is others do think of him but may not know how / whether / to say anything (some people think in case it 'reminds you' of your pain. Have had that sentiment before from an acquaintance and unfortunately I stopped contact with the well-meaning person who sent it as I just could not figure out how to articulate how wrong it was.

My angel son was born at a similar gestation and like you I birthed him, held him, ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes and the most gorgeous little button nose. I got to spend a most wonderful, and yet awful 24 hours with him before I had to say goodbye….the hardest and most earth shattering heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do in my life. I don’t know how I did it I really don’t.

It’s been 2 years for me and in the aftermath all I wanted to do was to go and be with him, but like you I had children that needed me here too. I felt so torn, so guilty, so trapped, all I wanted was to have him in my arms, my arms literally ached for him for a very long time, and at times even now they still do. If all the wishing and wanting in the world could make it true he would be here with me a million times over.

No matter what I’m doing, no matter whether I’m happy or sad or just meh he is in my thoughts constantly. In the early days I was so so worried I would forget him, that his memory would slowly fade away as the passing of time ebbed him into the distance but that has not happened. He is my background, my backdrop to all of life, it’s almost as if there is a movie of the far too brief time we had together playing in my head on a loop. At first I found this incredibly distressing and upsetting but 2 years on I find some comfort in it now, almost like I can visit him any time I like in my head. Obviously I would much rather he was here and that I was watching him grow, first steps, first words etc instead I imagine a lifetime of milestones he’ll never get to meet and always wonder just what he would be doing right about now.

I can’t really offer much advice, but I can say that I know that this pain hurts, they say most awful pain in all the world is the loss of a child and I have to say that I think that’s true. The pain of losing them, the sadness at losing the person you were before all this, the knowledge that the pain will never go away, but also the irony of never wanting that pain to leave you either, because that pain is your love, it connects you and in their absence it’s all you have to hold on to and therefore you never want to let it go.

I am so very very sorry you’re going through this too. Sending so much love to you and your Angel. 💖

@Mmhmmn I think this is so true actually. Even my husband doesn't mention him - it's almost like it didn't happen because he didn't carry him and didn't have that time to bond. It sometimes feels like I'm the only person in the world who acknowledges.

My eldest mentioned him the other day and said he wished he was here to play with him and whilst I found it very upsetting I found it oddly comforting that someone thinks of him.

I'm so sorry you've been through this too, thank you for replying x

@Lillygolightly My gosh, this resonates so much and my heart breaks for you reading it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know exactly what you mean - one of the things I find hardest is that ordinarily when someone you love passes, you have years of memories and pictures to look back on but all we have is a silent room and the dread of ever leaving it. We have pictures of him, his face will be in my brain forever. But we have no "memories" together. No memories with my son. How messed up is that?

I hope you're feeling ok x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost an older child I did get to do those things for. In answer to your question: It is always there but it does soften and get easier over time. The feeling of wanting to join them does also go away. If you feel very serious about this, please get help immediately, but I understand it. I felt that way but had to stay for my other children.

I won't insult you by pretending to know how you feel but I wanted to say your darling boy did exist, he was real. He will always be your son.
My lovely friend had a baby at a similar gestation almost twenty years ago. I never forget. We don't speak daily or even weekly but I always send a message on his Birthday and use his name.
DF says she grieves for the future he didn't get to live but that he will always be innocent and perfect. She loves him as she does her other children and keeps his memory alive with them.
She has a place of rest to visit. DB is buried close by and it might sound stupid but I always say hello when I pass and will tell her I've done so.
I have no advice but I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care. x

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease thank you for your reply - I am so sorry to hear what you went through, I can't even begin to imagine.

I feel a lot better this afternoon actually. I think the sunshine has helped and I've spent some time sat with his ornaments in the garden

@Anaemiafog you sound like an amazing friend - I wish people around me would mention my little boy by his name. Or even at all!

You sound very kind x

I found it almost impossible initially - after 3 years I had counselling and it was such a help. 2 years later and it's so much easier to cope with - the feeling of loss doesn't go away but it does get easier.

Don't feel that you can't talk about him - we make or buy a birthday cake for my daughter every year. You might have a different way you remember him - you can just do what feels right for you.

I would highly recommend talking to someone though - my GP gave me details of counselling organisations, so your GP might be a good place to start or SANDS