Mum suddenly died last week. Feel like I'm in a fog

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

She has a postmortem next week. I'm dreading the outcome. This time last week I was totally oblivious to what was about to happen. I just wish I could rewind time.

So sorry for your loss, you will be in that fog for a while, I was. Be prepared to suddenly break down in different places. I remember when I lost my Mum I parked in supermarket car park and suddenly burst out crying. I tried to not cry in front of my teenage children, so often had a good cry in the shower. My Mum had a stroke on a Friday and died on the Sunday, so was a massive shock also.

Also so sorry for your news..

I'm not in the same situation - however my mum was admitted with bad back pain on 17th March to discover she has stage 4 lung cancer and its also in her spine. She had zero symptoms.

I agree with Mindy - I'm having breakdowns but the best thing I've been doing is talking and crying to anyone anywhere as as we all know its so unfair.

As I say, not the same situation as you but thinking of you

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly nearly a year ago, the wait for the post mortum was horrible. I hated to think what she was going through. I only got through it by focusing on the fact she had left her body and it wasn’t her going through it.

I remember feeling shell shocked and numb for ages. Take everything at your pace. There is no right way.

When I experienced a close traumatic bereavement, I was told 'the fog' is there to protect you from the horrendous reality for a while. It allows you to do what needs to be done, funeral, inquest feeding yourself etc
My fog lasted for some months and once it started lifting, for me, that's when I really experienced the pain of his loss

Thanks. So many what ifs that everyone is telling me to put aside. I don't want to put them aside. I want to know ehislt being terrified too of what the post mortem will show

💐Sorry for your loss; sudden death is very hard to get your head around.

Why are you terrified of what the PM will show? Are you concerned it may be something hereditary?

The worst has happened unfortunately and it may help to get answers from the PM.

I'm worried about the PM results in case she fell and was the floor trying to get for ages. But she was wearing a fall alarm and didn't press it

@WorriedAboutMum2023, you sound so torn about it all.
As you say, your mum had an alarm and either wasn't able or didn't want to press it. There is nothing you could have done about either of those things that would have changed the outcome.
The fog feeling is, as PP have said, a form of numbness because you aren't ready to process it yet. I lost my mum in January and still haven't - I will when I'm ready mentally to do it, I guess.
Try to be a bit kinder to yourself. It really sounds like you care very much about your mum (I won't put it in the past tense because the pain is still there for you).

Me too - mine died 27 April - so two weeks ago. But while waiting for coroner we decided even if it was more than a heart attack - it wasn't going to bring her back. Nor will your pm change anything about the love and care you gave to your mum. I wish I had told her to call an ambulance and not take a taxi - but I didn't and I can't change it. It's all very raw and part of the stages of grief.

Feel a bit sick today. Things are going back to normal around me but I still feel in a fog. I'm trying to have a big of a sort out in my home today but I can't really get into it

@WorriedAboutMum2023, at the moment, all you need to do is to look after yourself. If you have a family, lean on them and tell them they need to help you. If you live alone, don't feel bad about having a day (or however many you need), just taking time to do nothing, or whatever takes your fancy at that moment - having a bath, watching something comforting on the telly. Don't forget to eat and drink, though. Then and only then can you start thinking about getting back to your usual self. You've had a huge shock.
If you usually work, ask your GP to sign you off with stress, bereavement, whatever (who cares what they put on it as long as you are signed off) and don't be afraid to get it extended - especially if you have funeral arrangements to make too (my DM wanted a direct cremation so this was one thing I didn't have to do, I took time off to collect her ashes though - I know that makes me sound callous, but in my DM's case, she had been very unwell and didn't want to carry on living, so whilst I felt the pain of loss, I also knew she didn't have to fight every day to live if that makes sense). Sorry to ramble on.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is do what feels right to you, but don't overstretch yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Don't rush to do anything - 'time is new' as my DM would say. I hope you get the gist, and she is absolutely right. I'm sending you a big virtual hug, as I think you need it.
And just in case this might help - ignore it if it's irrelevant - if you are finding it hard to sleep, or feel like you're sinking, please tell your GP. They should be able to help.

Thank you ❤️

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for loss.

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at home in front of my dad in early January. It happened in France - where I’m from. Emergency
services came on the second call but there was nothing they could do. France being France, there was no post mortem. She was left on her bed for hours and the funeral home came to pick her up in the afternoon. She was 77 and looked about 10 years younger. I had to resort to good old Mumsnet for a diagnosis.

I know it’s hard to wait for the post mortem results but at least you’ll have answers.

The fog will lift gradually. At least it did for me. I get a lot of flash backs or moments of sudden realisation that she’s gone. It’s weird.

i wish you a lot of strengths for the weeks and months to come.