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Bereavement

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Clearing the house

29 replies

MildredPeirce · 27/04/2023 22:17

I’d be really interested in how people tackled clearing out the family home after their last/only parent died. I have this ahead of me. I’m massively sentimental, it’s my childhood home and I know I’ll find it hard. I need a plan. Tackle the most sentimental stuff first? Build up to that by starting with easy stuff? Did you sell things? Give everything not to be kept to charity shops? Use house clearance people (I don’t even know how that works)? I’m dreading it, but it’d be helpful to hear how others tackled it. I live abroad so will come to the UK to do it with my two siblings and we’re going to try to do it in a week. Does that sound realistic? For info it’s a 4 bed house with quite a lot of stuff.

OP posts:
MyLifeIsFullOfLemons · 27/04/2023 22:46

House clearance is simplest tbh. You take the items you want to keep then invite house clearance round, they will tell you how much it will cost and they then empty the house completely.

Over the road did it, several vans, guys in and out for hours and the house was empty at the end of the day.

We partly did house clearance when emptying DF house when he went into a dementia home but we had spent a couple of weeks trying, and failing, to clear it first. It was just so overwhelming so we did get house clearance in in the end.

For DGM uncle refused to get house clearance so spent weeks and weeks carting things to charity shops and auctions, waiting for people to come and collect pieces he had advertised. It made it a very long drawn out process.

DH’s Aunt, they arranged the heart foundation to come and collect the larger furniture they wanted then hired a skip and just emptied the house. They only had a day as she live hundreds of miles away and the council said it had to be cleared within a week, so not many options.

I am sentimental but had to, for my own sanity, leave things. There are a few things I’ve regretted not taking but I know if I had them now they would just be cluttering up my cupboards. Having dealt with two houses now it has made me more determined to be ruthless in my own home. I don’t want DC to be left dealing with my stuff, it’s a huge task and they would want to keep everything. I’m sorry this is something you are having to contemplate tackling Flowers

MildredPeirce · 28/04/2023 08:03

Thanks @MyLifeIsFullOfLemons
And do you know what house clearance people actually do with the stuff? Do they sell, recycle, etc?

I'd like to give the furniture to charities at least, I think. I suppose I imagined going through everything and deciding as I go whether things were bin / recycle / donate / keep.

OP posts:
Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 28/04/2023 09:14

Sorry for your loss OP.

I have had to do this twice fairly recently and it’s a big job.

Whatever approach you use, I am afraid that there is no getting away from going through all the drawers and cupboards/under beds/on top of wardrobes in the house to collect paperwork etc that might turn out to be essential.

Then you have two main choices and can do a hybrid approach between them if you like:

  1. Sort through every item in the house personally. You will need at least two weeks and probably three for a four bedroom house and will probably need a skip and a van. If you can make space somewhere then I find putting like things together worked well, i.e all stationery in one pile, china and ornaments in another and so on. Then you and any others family members can subdivide the piles and decide what to keep, what to sell, what to give to charity and what to throw away. Note that your local charity shop will quickly run out of room and may turn your offerings away.
  2. Use a house clearance company. You will have to pay for this service but part of the cost can be offset by the value of items sold or donated. The British Heart Foundation offer this service and will come round and assess and the fee will reduce the more value there is in the contents. If there are obviously large amounts of valuables (e.g. collections of antiques) look for an auctioneers who offer house clearances who will sort out anything worth selling and sell it on your behalf.

I am afraid a lot of good stuff will get thrown away. There is no demand for display cabinets and even really good quality sofas if they are a bit old fashioned looking and/or they don’t have the appropriate fire labels may have to go to the tip.

QuestionsOnAPostcard · 28/04/2023 11:13

Sorry for your loss, OP, this is a really hard time.

Some useful ideas already, but here are some of my thoughts having done this last year for my mum. It is really hard, and you obviously realise that, so please do be gentle on yourself. Here are some of my thoughts:

  • I also had two siblings, but they were both overseas, so came over for the funeral etc, but then left me to deal with clearing etc. We went around the house together identifying the small number of things that we each wanted to keep. Whatever anyone wanted to keep they had to take away with them (otherwise I would have ended up with my garage full of things someone couldn't bear to throw away).
  • manage expectations of everyone involved. Not sure what your situation is, but one of the hardest things I found is that one of my sibs couldn't get their head around how little everything was worth. I might have gone for the whole house clearance thing, but one of them wanted to sell or donate to charity (to offset against IHT), but it was me doing the lugging things to charity shops, etc. I did a bit of that (and taking junk to the dump) but charity shops do indeed turn things away and I ran out of energy. In the end we got a local auctioneer house who came in, told me there was nothing of value (which I knew, but satisfied my sibling), then they came and took everything away, sold what they could and dealt with the rest (I didn't ask!). They charged us for the cost of the labour to remove the stuff, charged us commission on the sales, and in the end we just about covered the costs (so paid about £500 and made about £550, or something like that).
  • Be really careful to keep any paperwork that might be useful / needed for dealing with probate. Obviously depends on how well organised your parents were... but I ended up bringing the contents of a filing cabinet back to my house as I was worried about missing something.
  • If you are selling the house you might also want to think about getting estate agents around to take photos while there is furniture still in it (but after some of the clutter has been cleared!) as difficult to make an empty house look nice!
  • Again, don't know about the situation with your siblings, but do be gentle on each other. As the one sibling who had dealt with everything to do with the care of my mother for a long long time, I did find it difficult when little decisions about dealing with her aftermath of death started to be questioned.
Take care of yourself!
kweeble · 28/04/2023 12:18

I agree it's best to go through everything as you'll then know what's there and can let others know what's available. I tried to limit what I took - if something is of sentimental value then I'm happier if it is kept within the family but I don't need to keep it myself.
The house looks so much better furnished that we have left the minimum there for the period of sale. I agree that house clearance is a good idea if you haven't the time to sort, sell, gift and dump all items; using a charitable service seems best as I wouldn't mind paying them to take stuff away.

maxelly · 28/04/2023 12:19

Such good advice above. It's one of the hardest things I think, physically, emotionally and in terms of dealing with finances, legalities, logistics. Do really make sure you give yourself enough time (although having a firm deadline does also focus the mind) and don't make life unnecessarily difficult practically e.g. hire a skip if needed rather than doing multiple car trips back and forward to the tip.

Totally agree re absent relatives and siblings sometimes being the hardest thing to manage, you do need to set firm boundaries e.g. if they want sentimental items kept they need to collect and store them themselves within a reasonable timeframe or put up with the fact they'll be sold or dumped - you don't need to say it as brutally as that, but I've found myself being used as an indefinite storage facility for bulky items e.g. a damaged piano, a heavy display cabinet, a non working grandfather clock that various people in the family were so attached too they kicked up a huge stink about them being disposed of but 'didn't have space for right now' don't want in their house or 'haven't got time at the moment to come and get' will never come and get . I'd set a relatively tight timeframe for all relatives to visit the house and take any sentimental items they want (obviously first remove anything particularly valuable or specifically left to someone in the will) and after that everything goes, no ifs no buts.

Also totally agree that you (and relatives/siblings) need to let go of the idea that a lot of the stuff in the house is valuable. It's hard (even aside from the sentimental issues) because some things in the house probably could be worth something but the time and effort involved in listing things on eBay or car booting or whatever will likely not be a good return on investment. I would certainly either get an auctioneers house in to quote for house clearance (as per pp they.will charge for their labour in removing and sorting through everything, then a % commission fee on anything they can sell) or get British Heart Foundation or another charity to remove any furniture they can sell (try not to be hurt/upset if there are good quality items they can't or won't take, some things like sofas have to have fire tags, some things that are old fashioned just won't sell). You probably are going to have to somewhat lower your own standards re recycling/reusing absolutely everything as you would if it was your own home.

In terms of approach, personally I've found sorting via item rather than by room the best approach. So first I gather all obviously valuable items and important paperwork, and put aside/take somewhere safe. Then gather and sort all other paperwork. Then all clothes, then all books, then all kitchen items etc. Doing it this way also helps if you have people coming in to take items for themselves and you can also then delegate certain jobs to others e.g. right sister you're in charge of clothes, brother you're on garden stuff and plants, DH you're emptying the garage etc. As you go I do find it gets easier to be brutal and let stuff go particularly if you've started with the harder items and move on to easier. The Marie Kondo technique of taking photos of things you are going to get rid of helps, and even the slightly cheesy thing of holding the item for a second, 'thanking it for it's service', then saying goodbye. One thing I would say not to do, although tempting, is don't put stuff into storage or bring it back to your own house to be sorted at a later date or without a clear plan of action for its future - my experience is this stuff will just then fester forever like a non healing wound. Of course choose and keep some keepsakes but I think emotionally it's important to put these things into their permanent place in your home then let go of the rest, maybe I attach undue importance to possessions and material objects but while a person's 'stuff' is still in transit I can't help feeling the person themselves is still in flux and I can't really move on in grief. Obviously it does mean an intense period of sorting and disposing of stuff and being prepared to take a risk that you'll bin something you later wish you'd kept but actually 99% of the time it's the other way, you end up saddled with things you really could have gotten rid of. The only exception is paperwork where it's worth being a bit cautious and holding on to things which could be useful for probate until that's gone through.

Good luck!

DelurkingAJ · 28/04/2023 12:28

If you do bring anything back ‘to sort’ then can I recommend getting a dispassionate (but kind) person to help you. I went through my DFIL’s Dad’s desk as he simply couldn’t face it and DMIL was going up the wall. I was one step removed and left him with a small pile of things that he needed to make a decision about without agonising over empty notebooks and half used holiday souvenir biros.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 28/04/2023 12:36

Some excellent advice above. If you have time, I recommend the book 'Swedish Death Cleaning'. One comment stuck with me: just how many things do you need to remember someone by?
After clearing DPIL's house, we went home and tackled our own clutter 😀

Flippingheckfire · 28/04/2023 12:49

We had to do this last year and again we were coming from abroad. It was a 3 bed semi and was full of stuff. Lots of little things slowed the process down so it took longer than expected. British heart foundation will want to see contents in order to give you a price to clear. Then that had to be paid in person at their shop 7 days before they would come in. That could have been just the store we dealt with, but was difficult to arrange from overseas.
Local council did allow non residents to use the dump due to bereavement, but the slots had to be pre booked. Part of the family wanted to sell 'valuable' items, but the value was tiny compared to time and physical cost involved in doing this, let alone the issue of where these items were stored until sold.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 28/04/2023 12:55

We removed valuable things such as jewellery, some shared among the family, most donated to a charity.

Packed up paperwork to sort later.

Had one Saturday when family could come to choose a couple of things.

House clearance came on the Monday and did the rest.

username98765 · 28/04/2023 13:02

So sorry you are facing this OP. This plays on my mind a lot. Not an easy task whatever you decide. My Dad is still in my childhood home and I dread it. I don't think I could bare the thought of anyone else going through his things. I have 3 siblings and I'm definitely the most sentimental of us all. Ideally I'd like to keep the house but I know the others will want to sell.

Maddy70 · 28/04/2023 13:11

Take photos you can store them on your phone so you still have the memories. . You have to be ruthless. Only actually take what you will use
Everything else goes.

If you can't face the selling of individual items get a house clearance in

And lastly. Its horrible. You will cry. Look after yourself x

Bigoldmachine · 28/04/2023 13:28

Lots of good advice above.

It really is a huge task. I wanted to go down the house clearance route once we had sorted / taken sentimental things, but my sibling wanted to sell everything and that’s what we ended up doing (which was a huge amount of effort for them as I am far away whereas they are near, but they were adamant that’s what they wanted to do).

my sibling is also a lot more indecisive than me which held things up a bit. Perhaps sitting down and making a plan of action / strategising with your siblings would be a good idea.

yes, it is emotionally hard as well as logistically / physically, but I also found it incredibly therapeutic to have to go through everything my parents owned, the story of their life basically. It did help me grieve and process the emotions it brought up.

yes to being ruthless. And accepting there will be good things that you have to say goodbye to. And it’s ok. You can take photos of sentimental things, you can keep some but there’s just no way you can keep all of it. My sibling kept loads of stuff which is now just in their attic, they haven’t looked at it or enjoyed it in any way since, it’s just there.

and agree with a PP it made me want to sort my stuff out and have a massive clear out!!

OnYerBikeSteve · 28/04/2023 13:29

So much great advice above, I can only second it.

Don't underestimate how exhausting it can be, emotionally as well as physically. For me, clearing the family home was actually worse in some ways than dealing with my parents' deaths, because it was so final, and there was no shock to carry me through. And in a family home, you have to assess and dispatch your own childhood relics as well as theirs. I've always been an enthusiastic trawler of charity shops and local auctions but couldn't set foot in one for ages, because every box of fish knives and ugly Victorian mantle clock had obviously come from someone else's mum's house too. Two years on, I still regularly have anxiety dreams where I'm back in the house and have found another room that hasn't been emptied.

It's galling to realise how little things like books, display units, prized china, etc are 'worth'. I took the nicest non-auctionable older stuff to a vintage charity shop in town where they were sold for a decent amount to help the local hospice. The rest... I can't think about. But it helped to look around my own house and think, How distraught would I be if this bookcase/coat/tea set ended up being recycled? The answer is 'not at all, really.' That's probably what my mum and dad would have said.

My sister told me later that the one thing she wanted most was our mum's crinkle cut chip cutter. I said the same about the little hippo nailbrush that had been in the bathroom all my life. Make sure you get those things first, because the house clearance team (or your DP) won't realise they're the treasures.

Rainallnight · 28/04/2023 13:34

MildredPeirce · 28/04/2023 08:03

Thanks @MyLifeIsFullOfLemons
And do you know what house clearance people actually do with the stuff? Do they sell, recycle, etc?

I'd like to give the furniture to charities at least, I think. I suppose I imagined going through everything and deciding as I go whether things were bin / recycle / donate / keep.

I did this, simply because I felt I wanted to go through everything. In one way, I’m glad I did, because it helped me to process everything that had happened. But it is slow and time consuming and very, very emotional.

I would say assume it’ll take longer than you think it will.

Don’t plan to do it at a busy or emotional time in your life.

Decide what how much you’re going to hang on to, roughly. (One or two bits? A couple of crates?)

Have planned exit routes for your stuff, like any decluttering.

Rainallnight · 28/04/2023 13:35

And book way more skip space than you think you need.

Theunamedcat · 28/04/2023 13:36

I've just had to do it for a friend you will need more than a week

Freegle and free sites on Facebook are faster than BHF and the like you will need to put a postal redirect on ASAP because it takes two weeks to kick in pills need to be taken for disposal at the chemist you will need an emotional break before a physical one I donated food to a food bank frozen to friends it was endless and that was just a flat

OnYerBikeSteve · 28/04/2023 13:37

And never, ever, EVER start a collection of anything. Anything at all. Because one day your children will look at your seventy-eight lovingly collected vintage egg coddlers and be told that they're worth about £20.

Every time I see a small estate of Lilliput Lane cottages in a charity shop, I feel some poor houseclearing offspring.

claracluck1978 · 28/04/2023 13:46

I can offer advice from the clearance side as I'm an auctioneer and we deal with several estates every week

In the first instance have you had to get a probate valuation on the chattels? If so then go to that person to ask about selling anything valuable you don't wish to keep. Alternatively ask any local friends / colleagues who may have been through this process in past 2 years if they can recommend a n auction house or clearance company. Find a preferred auctioneer/valuer and then ask them to give ideas of valuables either by photographing items for them or ideally visiting your property

If they can take items for sale make sure you get a comprehensive list of what's being taken and agree prices. Then ask them if they also do clearance. That way if they come across any other valuables as the house is being emptied then they can also take them to auction, rather than you paying a house clearer to take them from you. Also find a local furniture charity to take beds/sofas/electricals that the auctioneers probably won't want.

Values on so many items have dropped so
Much in the past generations please beware that what you may have been told was 'granny's expensive tea set' or 'great uncle's expensive Victorian painting' may not be that commercial today.

But first of all take a couple of hours to go through papers/drawers for photos, paperwork like birth certs and especially jewellery/medals hidden away. Unscrupulous clearers may never tell you if they find valuables you didn't know about.

And finally make sure any clearer you use has a waste licence. I live in an AONB which is constantly seeing fly tipped waste dumped by people who have been paid to tip it properly.

CMOTDibbler · 28/04/2023 14:21

I had to clear my parents house 3 years ago, and did it in 4 visits (only due to distance and lockdown) - 1 was with my brother and we took out every bit of paperwork and boxed that up plus portable valuables like jewellery which we divided up there and then.
Next we both took anything either of us wanted for sure and sorted anything of certain value that we didn't want and that would need to be sold - that came back with me to a storage unit where I took pictures and listed it.
Then the house clearance people did the massive clear out. I won't lie, it was awful, but they got rid of everything, sold what they could. I hid in the garden.
Last bit was anything house clearance wouldn't/couldn't dispose of so I booked a bulky waste disposal from the council for the white goods, and just did a sweep around the attic etc.

ohtowinthelottery · 28/04/2023 14:54

We did my parent's house in a weekend. Tbh most of the stuff was worthless (my parents never got rid of stuff). Some of the furniture was non compliant so went in a skip. Other furniture was collected by a local charity. Clothes, tea pot collection and other nik naks went to the charity shop too. I already had all the paperwork as I took that on from DM after DF died. I kept a few bits of sentimental value and took photos of others. As said previously there is little 2nd hand value in a lot of old stuff.

MyLifeIsFullOfLemons · 28/04/2023 22:17

MildredPeirce · 28/04/2023 08:03

Thanks @MyLifeIsFullOfLemons
And do you know what house clearance people actually do with the stuff? Do they sell, recycle, etc?

I'd like to give the furniture to charities at least, I think. I suppose I imagined going through everything and deciding as I go whether things were bin / recycle / donate / keep.

They sell them.
There is a second hand place near us that has everything from rusting garden tools to big pieces of furniture for sale, and everything in between. It’s all the contents from multiple house clearances.
Charity is a lovely idea but the logistics to arrange it can be time consuming. Sorting into bin/recycle/donate/keep is also hugely time consuming. DF had lived abroad for a couple of decades and had only been back in the U.K. for around 15 years. He’d arrived with two suitcases of possessions yet it still took two of us forever to sort through stuff before we realised house clearance was the best way.

MildredPeirce · 28/04/2023 22:56

Thanks much for all the replies. I've had a crazy day and only just saw these now. I'll have a proper read in the morning. Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Biscuitmonster2318 · 01/05/2023 00:35

Sending lots of hugs 🤗
I have no advice but thinking of you. My situation is different from yours and can only imagine how difficult it must be.

I still can’t pack away my child’s bedroom and she passed away in aug 2018. Except for cleaning etc it is just as it was. It crushes me every time I try. So I’m just gonna send you lots of virtual hugs and prayers