Lost mum, feeling so fragile and bereft

[Mabelface]

She died on the 11th, just last Tuesday. The circumstances weren't great as it was a cancer that should have been picked up but wasn't. Tumour necrotised causing severe infection. The hospital were wonderful with her and us during her palliative care. I was with her all the time in hospital until she died.

I feel traumatised, bereft and seem to have forgotten how to function. I can speak to my kids fine, but if I try with anyone else, the tears just come.

No one told me that dying is a noisy business, that the rattle starts days or hours before the end. No one told me that she could start to choke on her own secretions. That happened when my siblings went for a break and I was with her. That was fucking scary.

I have support around me, but I still feel completely lost.

So sorry for your loss OP. I agree it can be scary when secretions start especially if you haven't been warned beforehand. Just let yourself grieve and take your time with all of this.
I found it helps to concentrate on the happy memories you have and it does get a bit easier over time.

I'm so sorry for your loss @Mabelface.
This is a situation I've been thinking about a lot recently as my 80 year old, cancer patient DM has been very unwell since she had Covid in February. I have no advice, just solidarity.

@Mabelface

I too lost my mother and it is brutally hard. This is very VERY recent for you so nothing anyone can say will make you feel better.

You are lucky to have children because their dependence on you will mean that you are forced to function to get through a day because of their reliance on you.

There are only three useful things to say

• you are not alone and how you feel is normal
• the often quoted phrase about grief is the price we pay for love is true. It can help by remembering that you are actually lucky to feel that grief because it's a sign of great love and a great relationship that many never have.
• you just have to focus on getting through the day ahead or if that is too much the hour or the next minute.

It doesn't get less painful but it gets less pain all the time every minute of every day.

Seeing my own DM die just 3 weeks ago was the most awful experience I've ever had. I'm in my 50's but I felt like a child in charge of a situation I wasn't prepared for, if that makes sense. I hadn't prepared myself for the fact that she could die, so it was such a shock. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same again. Corny as it sounds but a light has gone out in my life and in my face - I look at myself and see intense sadness.
I have no words of wisdom as it's still too fresh for me.

It's bloody awful, isn't it? Also in my 50s. Being poorly with a uti and an ibs flare up hasn't helped at all. I'm hoping to actually get dressed and leave the house for a short walk today. I've lived on the sofa for over a week now, bar one trip out for brunch with the kids, and a gp and pharmacy trip.

There are little moments though. Mum gave each of us kids a photo she'd had done of herself. It's an awful photo, but I find myself talking to it, saying "sorry Mum! " when I do something she'd disapprove of. I talk to her a lot when I'm alone. I've asked her why she didn't make sure I won the lottery!

I'm in the process of trying to forget how she was in her last couple of days and remember her as healthy and whole. I still find it really difficult to speak to people (autism and adhd doesn't help her), but am working on it. We are a dark humour household, and mum would appreciate how we're all handing it.

One thing I'm so glad for is that there's no guilt. My siblings and I did everything we could for her, and she died surrounded by love. We sang to her, talked to her, included her in our conversations even when she no longer had a voice, and the hospital care received by both mum and us in her last days was outstanding. I take great comfort in this.

I lost my Dad today to sepsis. We didnt get there in time. I feel your pain it is simply horrific

How are you all doing @Mabelface and @Fedupofdiets ? I only recently interred my Mum's ashes (various reasons for delay). That seemed brutal, so final but necessary. I had a good cry. I don't feel so bleak atm. I've stopped thinking to myself 'Oh, I must tell Mum.....' but boy do I feel lonely. There's no one on earth like your Mum to be interested in the little things in your life.

Better. I'm phasing back into work and they're being wonderful. They've given me a couple of projects that completely fit how my brain works, so I'm busy! Anxiety is improving. No funeral as mum requested direct cremation. My siblings and I are going to sort her stuff in a couple of weeks and I'll be glad when this is done.

I miss little things. Talking about the books we read, little catch ups during the week and a proper one on Sunday afternoons. Still hard to believe that's she's actually gone for good.