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Bereavement

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Delayed grief, 30 years

12 replies

louderthan · 17/04/2023 13:03

Hi
My dad died very suddenly when I was a child and I really don't think I ever came to terms with it or grieved at all. I missed him and knew it was sad that he wasn't there for birthdays, Christmas, stuff like me going off to university for the first time etc but I didn't really feel it, I just felt numb.
Now, 30-odd years later I feel like the grieving process is just starting, do you think that's possible?

A close friend of mine died very suddenly last year in horrible circumstances and several other friends have lost a parent recently, I'm coming up to the age my dad was when he died and I just think everything has triggered all these feelings I've suppressed for 30 years.
It's like a pain in my chest and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I keep getting jolting flashbacks to my childhood which almost render me speechless and I cry at least once a day, usually multiple times. I can't stand seeing families or dads with their kids, it's too painful.

I don't have much real life support, I'm single and don't have kids. I'm close to my mum but we don't have any other family and she struggles with the loss of my dad too, of course.

I'm waiting for an assessment appointment for psychotherapy, I can afford to go private so my aim is to do it long-term. I'm just scared of everything it's going to dredge up and I'm exhausted and scared at the thought of having to go through the grieving process now, I feel a bit sick with it.

I supposed I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced similar??

Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
ModeWeasel · 17/04/2023 13:07

So sorry you are going through this OP. Have a look at CRUSE or similar organisations if you haven’t already, they may be able to help?

MyMarmite · 17/04/2023 13:07

I’m so sorry, poor you. We often hold grief in our chest.

Timeforchangeithink · 17/04/2023 13:09

That sounds awful. I think it likely is delayed grief but is there anything else wrong that it could be masking? Am glad you're going to see someone, somethings need help to be processed.

louderthan · 17/04/2023 14:06

Thanks everyone, yes I may get in touch with CRUSE I think.
I've had a lot to deal with over the last few years, nasty break-up, redundancy, I had to move back to my home town and rebuild my life from scratch essentially. I found Covid and the lockdowns hard to deal with like everyone did and I have some problems with a phobia and associated compulsive behaviours, which escalate if I'm anxious about something.
I've recently started a new job which I really like but is a massive step up from anything I've done before, and I'm learning to drive which is causing me huge anxiety (that's a thread in itself!!)
So yeah, a lot going on. I am proud that I'm recognising all this and am seeking help, rather than just ignoring/suppressing it as I have done in the past.
Thank you all for your kind words x

OP posts:
ModeWeasel · 17/04/2023 14:08

Here is something from Cruse on delayed grief: https://www.crusescotland.org.uk/about-us/news-and-blogs/delayed-grief/ which might offer some starting thoughts for you

Delayed Grief : Cruse Bereavement Care

https://www.crusescotland.org.uk/about-us/news-and-blogs/delayed-grief/

SleekMamma · 17/04/2023 14:10

Yes it is definitely possible. Well done you for getting support.
Look after yourself

ModeWeasel · 17/04/2023 14:11

Just seen your update. It sounds like you have had a huge amount to deal with. I hope you find the support you need at this point in your journey ❤️

TheVanguardSix · 17/04/2023 14:12

There’s a wonderful book called The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk who has probably done the most research on what happens to our bodies and minds when we hold onto grief and trauma. I think the book took a decade to write… or maybe that’s Gabor Mate’s latest book. I can’t recall. But also, Dr. Gabor Mate is one to read! Both Drs are on several podcasts and are worth discovering and listening to. It’s essential listening/reading.

louderthan · 17/04/2023 19:13

Ahh thank you for the recommendations! I will definitely check the book out, and Cruse is a good shout too.
Thank you all once again x

OP posts:
gininthejar · 25/04/2023 21:46

There’s a Facebook group called adults bereaved as children you should check out

SignificantSalamander · 30/11/2024 11:37

Hi @louderthan how are you feeling now?
I have just had a traumatic medical event and I think it's stirred up issues of grief similar to yours. I lost a parent as a teenager and just continued with life as if nothing had happened. Having to consider my own children losing me has just tipped me over the edge.

LottieMary · 30/11/2024 11:40

There’s definitely something about reaching the same age as well, almost like there’s no roadmap any more

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