About My Partners Loss

[shoegirl36]

Hi All,

It's my partners birthday on May 27th and I've booked us a weekend away to celebrate. I've organised the lodge company to decorate for us and also organised a cake too so there's a big surprise for him as he walks in (we've stayed here before). However my partner lost his mum last year so this will be his first birthday without her. I know his birthday will be super hard for him and I also don't want him to think I've forgotten that either so I want to organise something to signify that mum was thought of on his birthday. Her favourite drink was baileys so I'm going to buy a mini bottle each so we can raise a glass for her but I want something more than just a drink. Any ideas or suggestions would be more than welcome.

Thanks in advance.

I can't think of anything as such, but maybe take a framed photo of her with you and put a bunch if flowers beside it?

Hope all goes well. It sounds lovely.

@Want2beme actually that sounds lovely, something like that would be beautiful I think. Thank you

If I'd lost my mum only recently and someone did that to me I would lose my shit. My mum died nearly 20 years ago and I'd still lose my shit now.
Do not turn his birthday into an opportunity to show how thoughtful you are about his mother. If he wants to mention it, he will. I'm really not trying to be mean but unless you know he'll love it, roasting my late mother in my birthday would be a bloody awful idea.

Christ, roasting her would definitely be bad!! Don't toast either, just no.

@MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco no I know my partner would appreciate it, he wouldnt appreciate if it was made into a huge thing which is why I want to do something small to signify I haven't forgotten it will be a hard day for him. I know it's a delicate topic but it's also one that should be addressed and in my opinion I'd be a terrible partner if I didn't do something small.

My suggestion would be please don’t.

I am about to celebrate my second birthday without my mother. I didn’t need reminding she wasn’t here last year.

You partner will know you haven’t forgotten her, from you being there and supporting them between their mothers death and that day.

My dp didn’t specifically mention my mother, but I knew he hadn’t forgotten her or forgotten how hard that day was.

I would have loved a weekend away to get away from it all. Trying to include mum would have just reminded me that she wasn’t there on my 40th birthday and it would have made it worse.

You need to be really sure this is what they would want. Not what you think they want.

I'm thinking something like lighting a candle in the morning and then we can carry on with our celebrations. That way it's something small but also not ignored.

Seriously, I can see you mean well but if the man wants to light a candle for his mother he can, you don't need to shoehorn her into his day.

I wouldn’t do any of that. Just a little hug in the run up to the birthday to say you’re here for your partner if he needs you.

If you really believe he will like it. Ask him.

Tell him you wanted to know if he wanted something to feel like she was included and what felt appropriate to him.

Grief isn’t sensible. He may one day appreciate it, but that day be having a bad day and not appreciate it.

I think it’s best to let it be his decision.

I think you need to ask him.
I'm about to celebrate my first birthday since the loss of a parent, and I am struggling with my emotions already. I don't need someone to remind me of my loss, I live with it daily and I would consider it to be a huge overstep if I were to be forced into lighting a candle.
Obviously everyone is different, but grief is a mad ride. Please don't assume and make what might already be a difficult day worse.

You sound lovely but honestly, don't. I found the build up to my mums first anniversary far more difficult than the actual day itself and I think if my partner had made even a small gesture it would have upset me more. All you need to do acknowledge the situation is just say something to him like "I know it must be hard not having your mum here" and leave it at that. Don't make this about your grief and you feeling the need to do something.

I'd ask him rather than surprise him. He will still find it thoughtful (even if he says he doesn't want anything the thought to ask before ploughing ahead will be appreciated). Plenty of other ways to surprise him if that's important to you.

I just don’t understand why you can’t quietly say, the day before - I know it will be tough this year without your Mum and give him a hug.

The lighting of candles and small Baileys etc seems oddly performative and weird. I say that as someone who has lost both parents.

But you seem determined no matter what the feedback on your thread, so ….

OP you know your partner best and no one can say whether he’d take it well or not as no one here knows him.

I personally would find it extremely touching if my partner organised my mums favourite flowers or as you say, chose a drink or cake that they’d loved. It doesn’t have to be a big show, a simple “I went with Baileys because mum loved it so much” and then move him along, he can then do a toast if he wishes to.

I actually wish my family / partner would mention my mum and show there that it’s not just me who remembers and loved them. I sometimes feel that it is - because I suppose they don’t want to “upset” me, but for me it is upsetting that they are no longer talked about.

everyone is different, i think it’s lovely sentiment IF he is someone who would appreciate it

Blokes and emotions are strange things so how did he cope on Mothering Sunday this year?
Was that not more significant a “Memorial Day” than his birthday?

In your shoes I wouldn’t over-egg his birthday with Mother memories but when her birthday comes along or the anniversary of her death, maybe acknowledge it then? A lighted candle beside her photo would be more appropriate than maybe and entirely sufficient.
Each to his own. You know your DH best.