Do you really feel better after the funeral?

[BeatriceLacey]

It's been a long wait (6 weeks) for my dad's funeral but it's coming up soon. So far I just feel like I'm getting sadder and sadder.

I had a migraine a couple of days before my relatives funeral (I was next of kin and organised it all), I turned up and met the celebrant (is that what they’re called?!) and sat down still feeling a little unwell. Did the eulogy and as soon as we walked out of the chapel I felt instantly better. Now this is obviously only the physical symptoms of grief I’m talking about. We had a 6 week wait too because of the cause of death, it was so tough but actually I think because of that it was sort of a relief to have him properly at rest. The grief doesn’t go away, or at least it didn’t and still hadn’t left me now 8 months later, but I’m moving forwards. I still have the ashes on my desk (home office not in my work place, that would be a bit weird!) and talk to him etc, wished him a happy birthday, merry Christmas etc. not ready to scatter him yet but there’s no rush.
Take everything at your own pace, there’s no handbook for working through grief, just listen to your heart and head and accept the validity of your feelings.
Sorry for your loss, it’s heartbreaking 💐

It depends, it can bring a feeling of having completed the first stage, and of having performed that one last act of care for a loved one. When all the people have gone it's often a relief, and there is a feeling of being left alone to get on with finding a way of coping without them.

Six weeks seems like such a long time though. Where I live, almost all funerals are held in three days. I hope it does improve for you once the funeral is over.

For me, it was better because it was done and out of the way. I found the funeral(s) loomed heavily. Once they were done I could move on to "healing" and coming to terms with the loss.

th3e is no right or wrong way to feel, it's a very tough time.

I don't think you do - sorry. The funeral gave me a focus and afterwards I found reality bit hard.
However, as TheChosenTwo says, there is a feeling of a job well done and a definite sense of moving through the stages of mourning.

I'm so sorry. We recently lost my father and had a 6 week wait before his funeral too. I won't exactly say I feel better - it made things seem so final - but I am glad to have got past it. It had started to prey on my mind rather and now I can grieve in peace.

I think bizarrely the funeral day can be one of the better days in those difficult weeks and months if you are surrounded by love and compassion from others and feel satisfied that the ceremony was a tribute.

But no, I would say it’s a milestone on a difficult journey that may not be linear. I recall the first year getting slowly worse and worse until about month 8, with particular spikes of grief on important dates. Then spiking again in the lead up to the first anniversary where in my case the horrors of the last months of a terminal illness were replayed in my head.

You have had an unusually long wait. It must be excruciating. The ritual itself should bring a transient relief.

I am sorry for your loss and the additional specific complications.

Everyone is different. I’m sorry for your loss @BeatriceLacey . 💐

I’m sorry for your loss.

It’s different for everybody, with my own DF the funeral was only 4 days later and I felt I’d not had time to process properly and grieve due to being busy with organising so was quite upset at the funeral. I also feel I didn’t do a great job giving the celebrant lots of information for a good eulogy as I just wasn’t in that headspace so soon when I had to speak to him.

With my FIL it was 4 weeks so there was much more time to do the organising and process things so the funeral felt more like a celebration of a life which I guess is what it should be.

Personally it stopped the limbo feeling of waiting for something I knew would be heart wrenching and difficult.

Post funeral was when I really had a chance to figure out what my life would look like without them. Grief is rarely neat, take each day at a time and do what you think feels right for you.

we waited four weeks for my dad’s funeral. I felt better afterwards in a sort of ‘thank god that’s over’ way, but not in a way of my grief being lessened by the funeral, if you see what I mean? The grief still comes in waves 18 months later - I don’t think it ever leaves, but you get used to it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

Grief isn’t the same experience for everyone. Sorry to say my proper grieving didn’t start until after the funerals. I was very anxious about the funerals but they were truly wonderful occasions- I honestly enjoyed them. Because they were all about the person who has died and it was a wonderful opportunity to meet with other people who also loved my loved ones. A chance to talk about them and celebrate them.

For me, grief became much harder after the funerals. You may experience your grief very differently.

You’ve had quite a wait for your Dad’s funeral; I hope it goes well and provides some moments of joyful remembrance. Wishing you well for your continued journey through grief.

Yes, definitely with my dad. We only had to wait about 10 days, but it was looming over us and we couldn’t wait for it to be over. It was such a relief to get to the end.

It gave me no comfort on any sort of religious or spiritual level, but the wake bit was lovely and my dad would’ve really enjoyed it. People should have their wakes before they die 😂

When my brother died the wait for the funeral was hard, I had to walk past the funeral home where they had his body everyday, I still hate walking past it now.

I don't think I really started to grieve until a few months after the funeral, not really, it hit me like a ton of bricks sox months after he died.

Three and a half years later I can look back and remember the good times and have a laugh about some of his antics.

I hope you're doing ok, you'll get through it but you need to look after yourself and be ready for grief to grab you when you don't expect it to.

Hi, my mum passed very suddenly on 7th March and her funeral was last week on 4th April. I really threw myself into the funeral almost like it was a project, that is my way of dealing with things, I wanted to make it perfect for mum, and it was, and I really felt lifted by that feeling. Lots of people commented on it being such a lovely and well thought out day. Other members of my family felt quite flat the next day... it really is quite personal... I felt like I'd really done my mum proud and that made me feel better. We also collected her flowers the next day and they look so lovely in the garden. I'll be honest though, I'm not sure I'm processing it all properly. When mum died I had 6 days where I was so sad I thought it was going to go mad and actually die of grief, and then a blanket of calmness and numbness fell. I'm still not sure that's right, as now I can function and go about my day, but I do feel like I should be sadder about it all, I feel like I haven't really dealt with it, like it's almost like it hasn't really happened, but I don't want my children to keep seeing me crying either. It's so difficult to navigate :(

Thanks so much everyone and so sorry for your losses too.

I haven't found it so, some of the hardest days have been a couple months later and it feels like nobody cares now, not in the way they did early on. It's a fight to keep on day to day.

I'm sorry OP, it's an awfully sad time. Everyone experiences grief differently, so no one can really tell you whether you will feel better or not.
My experience was that the funeral was something i dreaded as it was a difficult occasion and so final. For me it was also was a great outlet for my grief, and I took comfort from reflecting on the life that had gone before and the love and support from others there to celebrate the life as well as to mourn the death. It was a relief that the funeral was over for sure, and made it a little easier to move on. That said, grief still overwhelmed me from time to time for a long time after. That is ok, you can't love someone and get over losing them quickly.
Please keep talking about it if it helps. It's a painful time x

Thanks so much everyone. Unfortunately things are complicated by a sibling being very difficult so I'm partly dreading the funeral because of them and how they might behave. I'm also worried about having to keep it together myself so I can look after my mum and my children. On the other hand I'm pretty sure I've arranged the funeral my dad would have wanted.

I didn't. We only had a four week wait for DH's but, for me, it reinforced the fact he was never coming home again.

I didn't feel 'better' after my dad's funeral but I was glad to have it done and to know it had all gone as well as it could have done. It was a beautiful sunny day and I feel like my dad would have very much approved of how we'd done things.

Six weeks is such a long time though. My dad's funeral was four days after his death.

I didn’t feel any better after my daughter’s funeral but it was a relief to have the knowledge it was coming up and that I would have to make small talk etc over.

I’ sorry about your dad.

We had a 6 week gap after dd died because a coroner was involved and needed to investigate. I felt peaceful after the funeral (still can’t bring myself to say ‘her’) and found I had space, rather than people constantly asking me what was happening. I felt quite alone though, as if no one cared and had just gone back to their lives (they had I guess).