How to best support DP when he's bereaved?

[wuell]

DP's brother unexpectedly died last night. He is beside himself, it was his younger brother that also had some disabilities, the two were very close and DP was very, very fond of him. The whole family is in shock and DP is visiting his relatives and I am staying at home looking after 2 small DC(per DP's request). I want to know what I can do to be as supportive as I can be, it's so fresh that I'm not sure what the best thing is that I can say or do. Any help would be most appreciated.

I'm so sorry to hear this . To be honest there's no right or wrong answers, every person and every grief is different. I think the number 1 thing you can do which it sounds like you are already doing is listen to him and be responsive to his needs, even if this isn't what you (think you) would do or want in the same circumstances. So whatever you can do on a practical front re childcare etc to enable him to be with family (but equally if he prefers to have the kids with him that's fine too, young kids can be a wonderful distraction at times of grief). Have some simple and comforting meals available (maybe offer to cook for the whole family if practical) but be understanding if he/they don't want to eat. Be ready to sit with him and listen to his thoughts, share happy memories, look at photos and mementos of the loved one, but equally sometimes in early grief in particular the most comforting thing is to do 'normal' things like watch TV, listen to music, go for a walk, play with the children or pets together without being made to feel cold or uncaring for not spending every single second thinking or talking about your loss. So you can gently encourage that too and if he's a bit clammed up that's fine, often people find it hard to verbalize their complex emotions around loss (esp where the person has had some challenges or disabilities in life) particularly in the immediate days after when all you really feel is shock and disbelief so don't worry or get offended if he isn't really able to talk openly at the moment.

Also, this probably goes without saying, but obviously now is not the time to be voicing grievances or criticisms either of the person that has died or their family, even if you think they're handling things "wrong" now or in the past. Sadly a lot of families seem to come to blows in the wake of a loss either over money or other things which aren't all that important like details around the funeral - some people for want of a better phrase seem to enjoy and thrive off stirring up drama so if you have any of these in your family I'd try and give them as little airtime and oxygen as possible...

@maxelly thank you so much for your well-thought post, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you, thank you

I lost my Dad in January, and still feel completely off kilter. I get really overwhelmed and tired easily, my appetite has gone to pot (either not eating or bingeing) and I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Grief is a rough journey, and an unpredictable one. I've found that bereavement counselling has really helped me.

Just quietly stand by his side, and be guided by him is the best advice I could give.